Which one should I choose?

Question

I am divorced mom w/ two kids. My ex was the love of my life but had many problems. He was a cheater, gambler, drug addict etc. So I left him. Now I have a boyfriend who is none of those things and pretty stable. The thing is with my ex I was much more passionate with him, but that is b/c he is a dramatic passionate person who brought that part out in me. My boyfriend now who is stable but also more serious & not so passionate does not bring that out in me. My ex is terrible with money. Well, my ex has quit drugs for a 1 yr now, has seemed to change. I think I believe him but really not sure. He lost my trust so I am not sure if I will ever trust him again fully. He wants me back. I love them both but in 2 different ways. My ex makes a lot more money and I could stay home with his kids instead of them in fulltime daycare,but if he really has shaped up his life. My boyfriend now wants to marry me, but does not make a lot of $, & not his kids. My parents would disown me.

Just to clarify, my parents would disown me if I went back to my ex, I do not care too much about money except for when my kids beg me not to work, but I have to to take care of them or I can not pay for a house for them, food etc. But if I went back with my ex, they would have a whole family and me at home with them. As for what I feel in my heart, I don't know. It is not telling me one way or the other, that is why I am so confused!

My parents love my boyfriend, they dislike my ex after all the things he did to me. The passion is not so much about sex, it is more about how funloving and happy he is and passionate and makes me feel carefree and happy when I am around him. I laugh all the time with my ex, but he is so carefree he is also irresponsible. My boyfriend is sooo responsible and dependable, he is not so passionate and carefree about life and brings out a more serious side in me. I am a worry wort to begin with so it is nice to be around someone so carefree but also sucks when raising kids and being irresponsible. That is what I meant about passion..... (also, yes the sex was more a chemical attraction)

Also, my ex wants to take me out on a date to try to show me he has changed, but I am afraid to do so

Answer 1

Unless you are SURE you should not marry either. If you share love, then marriage can wait. If what you're feeling is more temporary, then it is far better to not rush into marriage!

Answer 2

I think your question omitted the obvious third option ... SOMEONE ELSE.

Your ex-husband has proven himself unworthy and despite his present efforts to change your lack of trust towards him should nix him off the list for consideration. Besides, there is a good possibility the passion he possessed during the past years of self destructive behavior went out the window when he (claimed to have) stopped. Addiction is a tough disease and when someone decides to truly stop, the person changes a lot on many levels.

You present boyfriend appears to be the antithesis of your ex which may very well be the reason you chose him in the first place. But it sounds like you have eliminated the many alternatives that exist.

The safe answer to your question is to stick with the present boyfriend. The absolutely insane answer is to go back to the ex and risk your relationship with your family and the welfare of your kids. The brave answer is to look for a happy medium elsewhere. It sounds like the boyfriend isn't fulfilling the your needs and desires. Thus it is time to get brave and move on from both of them.

Answer 3

I would suggest that you seek out counselling.
What you are dealing with is something about yourself.
Logically, to go back to your ex, would be the worst judgment call to make in this situation.
But why do you want to do this? Because you felt passion with him. And why is this?
What about you craves to be with an abuser?
Do you like being a victim? Do you enjoy being with someone who disrespects you?
Do you want to be with a liar? a cheater?
Why do you want to put your kids through this? Just for the sex.
You are being selfish and egocentric. You lack self esteem and courage.
So instead, of working hard, supporting your children, teaching them right instead of wrong, giving them a good loving honest father who respects and loves you,
you would rather go back to your cheating, drug abusing, spendthrift gambling no concern for you or the children ex so you can stay at home with the kids.
The problem here is you have no backbone. Maybe you have no passion with your boyfriend because you do not recognize what love is, and are not willing to invest time in gaining passion in this realtionship you are in now. He obviously has passion for you.
Seek counsel. Talk with your boyfriend. Work on this. Good Luck!

Answer 4

Is there a third option? Sounds to me like you should keep looking. I would not go back to the ex if I were you - unless you're prepared for more of the same. Re. the current b/f - passion is not everything, but if it's important to you, consider it when weighing the options. Same with the money issue. All depends on how important these things are to you, and how much you are willing to "settle" to get things that you want.

Answer 5

You have an emotionally attachment to your ex which is normal but understand something. You said he is a cheater, gambler and addict. You do realize that he will ALWAYS be these things? I am close friends with a guy that is an addict and was clean for 8 years and recently slipped back into the mode. I say move on with the new guy, but marry when you are ready, but I suspect you will let your heart lead you on. Sometimes you need to let your HEAD take the lead over the heart.

Answer 6

I cannot believe that you have been through everything that you have with your ex-husband, now have a wonderful MATURE guy, and are considering going back to your ex. That you are even questioning what you should do shows how selfish and immature you are. Does your boyfriend treat your children well? If so, it is no contest. Also, you would be surprised at how little money you can live on and could very likely, if you manage your finances well, stay home with your children in either circumstance. May God bless and keep you.

Answer 7

First of all, money means NOTHING and you sound like a total gold-digger for even considering that! Maybe NEITHER is the right man for you. Don't go back to your ex - that will teach him he can straighten up for a while and get you back and then go back to his old ways. Once an addict, always an addict. He might stay clean but it's a constant battle.. one that you don't need to deal with. You got a divorce for a reason, so keep it that way - stay DIVORCED don't get back with him. Your new boyfriend doesn't sound like the right guy either. Sounds like you're afraid of being alone. Focus on being a MOM right now.. that's the best thing for them.

Answer 8

You answered your own question, he is your EX, best to keep it that way. You can't have everything in life, sounds like you should stay with the new boyfriend but not get married yet. You can't live a life on passion and no trust, and money does not buy happiness.

Answer 9

well i know this predicament very well. You ex, as described, completely fit the description of my father. My mothr left him with us when we were 2 or 3 and then they divorced. My dad is still messed up and my twin and i disowned him because we gave him chances to shape up and he didn't take them. Now my mom remarried 5 years after leaving my dad to this new guy (they have been married for about 9 years) I would say you should go with your hearts desire. What will make you happy. the problem with my parents current relationship is unfairness towards myself and my sister (its okay we will be stronger for it) and my mom is sometimes unhappy cuz my step dad puts her down to make himself feel better. but other time they are really happy. I suggest you keep searching if you havent found anyone with all the qualities you need. Trust me...you dream guy is out there! but it is your choice so choose whatever will make you and your children happy.

Answer 10

Better for me to go back to your ex, but make him understand your point, that you don't want any more of his vices. Take him back as a gesture of forgiveness, not because of his money. If he gets back to his old ways, at least, he is still your original husband. But if your boy friend will go wrong in the future, specially that he is not the father of your children, then there are more things to regret. Kids do need motherd, and they are better off with a mother than a step father as additional $ burden. Consider everything.

Answer 11

It's easy. What does your heart say?

Think about it for a second. Your heart, not your LOINS. Don't think about passion. Anyone can learn passion. Just rent some X-Rated Flicks and tell him to be just like that in bed.

Which one do you think will be a better father for the kids? Which one will be a better MAN for you? That is the answer. Forget what your family thinks. It's the rest of your life we're talking about, not thier's.