Critique me! What do you think of this poem?

Question

im thinking about writing songs for a punk band- what do u honestly think? and im not trying to be emo, if thats what you got out of it :)

A sweet temptation
hardly a sin
yet im still holding back
as if the demons are trapped within

im possibly sucidial
take me to ur help
im content in denial
this ****** up life wasnt worth while after all

so draw me a butterfly
try to get me to answer why
the honest truth is im perfectly fine
just content with denial
you see, im all for being hostile
im drowning in your fake-the-smile style

a victimless crime
it all comes together but not in time
its really so sad you just now care to care
so read this letter...
And wave to me down there


thanks for answering!

the song is not abotu sucice, its about everyone assuming just becuz u may listen to a certain kind of music you cut urself.

Answer 1

kind of pointless,its not awful,but needs a little more direction in it,and songs of suicide are already overused,if everyone wanted to kill themselves seriously,it would be an empty world,take on things like politics like the original punk rockers did,i mean be original but have more of reson to be a band,email me ill help ya out seriously

Answer 2

I do not fear approximately harsh critique. I've had lots of that during my time. You pass forward if you happen to suppose I've written garbage. By the best way, spelling errors for your first line HH. Should be buddy Add: Unless you have bought a further approach of spelling it anyplace you return from.(smiles)

Answer 3

It's not my type either, but it really is good. You should totally give it to them.
And maybe you should try writing a song for Paris Hilton, it would be a hell of a lot better than all her songs put together.
lol...j/k.

Answer 4

Excellent ! However, everyone knows punks only listen to the music.

Answer 5

I think your song (not a poem) could be a hit with the right music (heavy quitar, fast bass, loud drums) You must sing it, not read it as a poem, and imagine music while you sing it.

Answer 6

A little on the rough side but to me it speaks volumes.I think it is great and shows your feelings at the time when it was written.

Answer 7

Thats not really punk, punk is like... Oi!!! F*ck you! what this is though, is either pop rock or emo. Better luck next time.

Answer 8

I think you need to go outside and play or go swimming and get the hell out of that house and to a beach.

Answer 9

I know your not trying to be emo,but sounds like a typical emo poem.

Answer 10

It sounds depressing, but yet very mysterious, nice choice of some words fits well together keep up the work! :-)