What are the chances... Is it really possible?

Question

... for a 29-year-old single mother of two little boys, unable to have more children... to find love again???

I'm contemplating leaving my husband of 6 years because of a porn addiction that he refuses to get help with.

(Before you tell me I'm over-reacting, let me tell you... this is not so in my book. I was molested as a child and pornography was part of the abuse. There is NO reason I should have to put up with this after years of begging my husband to stop looking at porn all the time. I've done everything imaginable to try to help him, but he has made his decisions, so now I'm faced with decisions of my own...)

So my question is... have any of you been through this or something similar and found love again? I'm terrified because I can't have any more children... What man will want me now, ya know? :(

Okay... I gues sI need to add that we had a great sex life, according to what he told me... It was frequent and fun for both of us as far as I could tell. You need to understand I've done EVERYTHING I can to make him happy. He says the reason he does it is because 'it's there.'

Yes, my husband knows about what happened to me as a child, I was very open and honest with him before we even started dating seven years ago. He has seen me through so much... I thought he would understand how disgusting this is to me but he doesn't... But yes, he knows all about what happened to me as a child.

Answer 1

Everything is possible and if you are unhappy w/the situation (I do not blame you for being), you should do what your heart tells you do as the right person is out there for you.

Answer 2

I'm going through the same thing right now, however he's moved on from porn, webcam, etc. now to escorts. He say's he just looks because he's bored when he's out of town.....I say BS!

I first discovered this 2 months after we were married, that was a year and a half ago. I feel as if I'm going out of my mind at times. And yes I know what you mean when you say you've done everything to try and please him. I did too, to the point that it started killing my spirit and made me feel as if I was not just a whore but a down right slt. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE having a good time and can get down right kinky. But when he comes home after being out of town and says and does things he's never said before or positions we've never tried before.....well I think you know where I'm going with that and how it makes you feel.

I just turned 45 this month and spent my birthday and all night fighting about this. And yes you're right, there is NO REASON you or I should have to put up with this.

We both need support groups to help keep us strong and focused. And, YES there are men who will LOVE you and your boys regardless if you can bear their child or not. The question is where and how do we find these men? And how can we learn to trust again?

Honey, you're young! This kind of life sucks and sucks the life right out of you. Are you working? Do you have an income? Don't let the fact that you can't have anymore children stop you from the happiness and love you deserve, nor your boys!

Let's talk.......

Answer 3

The answer to your larger question is yes, it is absolutely possible and likely that you can find love again. My concern however, is that you have a (6) year investment in a marriage with your husband and two sons. That's a lot to throw away ( even taking into consideration the abuse you've suffered...and I am sorry, by the way, that that happened to you.) Your husband may not necessarily become an abuser because of his weakness for pornography even though someone else did. Granted, as your spouse he should understand that that's a trigger-response for you based on your past experiences, but in so far as you both had issues you brought to the relationship ( which is true for all of us) it's possible that there are some equally compelling issues for him that keep him anchored to porn. I don't and can't know any of this for a fact, I just hate to see families dissolve if it's not absolutely necessary. Have you attempted counselling or anything of that nature? It's worth a shot, because ultimately divorce destablilizes you, your spouse and your children in ways you can't imagine from this vantage point...and it should truly be a last resort. I wish you well in establishing some sort of dialog with your husband; and I wish you all the best of luck in the future.

Answer 4

Is it possible to find love again? Yes. I have. And, NO. You are not over reacting. However, you need some help. And the reason I say this is from my personal experience. I used to pick sick people to get involved in. At one point, I had to look at myself and ask, "what am I doing to attract these people?" Although I would never accuse you of being responsible for your husband's addiction or behavior (What he does as an adult is his own responsibility and eventually he will have to live with the consequences of his actions), I am suggesting you look at what you are doing that made him come into your orbit (or made him draw you in) in the first place. In my experience with survivors of sexual abuse is that, especially when it happened as children, they have less than perfect boundaries for a start. They are vulnerable to "predators" and addicted people. A predator can spot a victim from a mile away. Now, you may have already done a lot of this, so I apologize if I am repeating anything. But, in case you have not already done all this stuff. . . Get yourself some good therapy (if you have not already) for the Traumatic Childhood. And/or find a woman's self-help group so you can have some women who can be your cheerleaders and show you how to get the attitude of being a survivor, not a victim. Once you heal from your pain, you will learn how to spot a fake vs. the real thing. And you will attract a healthy partner. When all things are equal, love has a much better chance of growing. Oh, and make sure you take care of yourself and your children before you make any moves. Unless you are in any danger. If that is the case, get with family of find a shelter. My good thoughts are with you.

Answer 5

YES !!!!

You WILL find someone. It wont happen immediatly but the right person will end up in your life.

You must put yourself and the kids first. Now, I dont have a problem with pornography but for obvious reasons it is an issue for you. If your hubby truly loved you then he would have compromised ages ago knowing your past.

You will find someone hun - OR someone will find you (as happened to me). That special someone will be out there for you but before anything can happen you need to make your move and become single.

My new partner is loving, supportive, is a great lover and my best friend !

What I can tell you is that most decent single men will love you because you are you ! The fact you cannot have more kids should be discussed early on in the relationship but I think a lot of men would `want` you.... never put yourself down and think positive

GOOD LUCK hun & HUGZ !

Answer 6

I'm in a similar situation. The difference is that I'm a 35 yo guy w/two young kids. But I didn't have the "operation". I wonder about finding someone else after my wife left me. My two kids are everything to me. And I need to focus on them and me. This is absolute and goes without contest. However, the issue of me also includes my heart. This is also where you need to understand. The heart doesn't know if you can bear children or not. It only knows emotions. Most importantly, happiness. Whomever you meet from here on will need to ring that bell. Yes, there is no question about the experience of having children. However, there is nothing more like being happy with that someone special. Focus on you. And rebuild you. Coincidently, this is probably the time when you least expect it. Mr. Right will probably walk into your life when you are not looking.

It's a hard concept ... focusing on yourself and not your relationships. It is for me. Good luck to you.

Answer 7

Two kids and he spends all his time looking at porn, and he knows you were abused and that porn was involved? What's wrong with the guy? Drop him like a hot rock, honey. Love's out there, and while it may take a while to find it again, you will.

Whether or not you can have more kids shouldn't be a factor. You're not a baby machine, and you already have two children you love and would walk through fire for. There are guys out there who won't mind having an instant family. Let your kids get to know someone your dating and let them decide. Ask them what they like about him and what they don't. Involve them in the selection process; there's less resentment that you're "betraying" their father, which is, from what you've said, basically what he's doing to you.

If your hubby loved you, he'd respect your opinion about the porn and would either only watch it while you weren't home or he'd throw it out and get help.

Answer 8

You have very good reason to have deep problems with his porn addiction. Let me tell you about my sister--she cannot have children, never could. She has just gotten remarried to a terrific guy at least 10 years younger than she is. Yes, you can find happiness again. If a man only wants you as a breeder, that's probably not the best guy anyway, so the issue with your inability to have children shouldn't be a factor, if it's the right guy.

Answer 9

First off for a relationship to florish both partners need to be comfortable. His inability to get rid of the porn shows where his priorities are. You have told him about your past and why you have a problem with it and he still keeps it as part of his life so that is killing the marriage. It is time to move on. Trust me women with childern DO find true love, women who can't have childern DO find true love. My wife is a perfect example of that. She has been in several abusive relationships in the past, she has 5 childern 4 of whom live with us and she can not have any more childern. I fell in love with her, married her and went from being a 40 year old bachlor to a married family man, so yes you can find love, just make sure you take some time for YOU first, don't rush into anything if you decide it is time to leave

Answer 10

You can find love again. I was divorced at 21 with a 3 year old. Never thought that I would find anyone that would take me and my son. It took me 6 years to find my husband. He also has 2 daughter from a previous marriage. You are doing the right thing. Hang in there. It does and will get better. :-)

Answer 11

If this is an issue for you and your husband won't get help with it then you should leave. The last thing you should be thinking about at this point is if you're going to find love again. Now you should be getting you and your children a fresh start in life.