Am I holding on to nothing?

Question

I am not really sexually attracted to my husband. We both admit that we are not in love with each other.Yet we both are giving it one last try. We get along great, we talk about our future together,we spend a lot of time together,yet we never seem to work on the things that need to be worked on.( I call us room mates running a business.) We have been seperated for 3 months. After 7 1/2 years of marriage I can not tell if I am holding on because I love him or because that is all I know. I am more than capable of taking care of myself. I have come to terms with sharing custody of our kids. I just can not tell why I am holding on. Is it because I have so much to lose with a divorce? New Home, better financial situation, family, being a full time Mom.

Answer 1

Without knowing more details, it sounds to me like this is a marriage of convienence, and you are scared to get back into the dating world. If you dont still love each other on an intimate basis, you are kicking a dead horse, you should both move and and be happy. Life is too damn short to be unhappy! If you can come to terms on kids and other things, get out and move on.

Answer 2

You mentioned that you feel you are room mates running a business. That is exactly what a marriage is! Especially at the 7 year mark. Just because you have the 7 year itch does not mean you need to scratch it. The main problem is the endorphins and felings of excitement that attracted you at first are now gone. (they start to diminish after the 2nd or 3rd year). And you have most likely added more to your plate as far as children and Items like the new house. The need for more money is wedging it's way in.

"Schedule" dates with each other if you have to. The sparatic magic may be gone but you still need time alone together. You said you both agree on alot so the communication is still good it seems. Each of you write down what your wants and fears are for the relationship. Agree first that no matter what the other writes it will not cause an argument and you will talk it out to see if something is a true problem or perhaps just a misunderstanding.

Note that if it does come to a divorce it will change everything. Even if you both agree on things sometimes the lawyers or courts will change things which can cause bitter feelings that were never there in the first place. And sometimes courts get involved deeper than they should.

Look up Marriage help on the net and if it is possible see a Marriage counselor. It may be that you were both brought up in homes where you never saw your parents handling issues like this so niether of you know exactly how to deal with it. Look at the lists you both write for clues of this as well. Either one or both of you may be expecting the other to be a certain way because thats how they remember thier parents acting in a similar situation. But the other had a different role model to follow.

I would try to get to the bottom of this before I just gave up. Do a little digging into each others thoughts and feelings before you react.

Answer 3

Believe me, the grass is not greener on the other side. All the things you have said about loosing I'm sure are on your mind, but I think you still love him deep down. I would strongly suggest marriage counseling. Divorce is very difficult on children, no matter what age they are. You owe it to them to try to make the marriage work. The bedroom is not the most important part of a marriage. The spark can be brought back with counseling. I think you both have just given up on the idea of marriage. If you tell yourself long enough that the marriage is over, it will be over. The mind works that way. You have communication in your marriage. Most marriages fail because they do not have this. Your 80% there. Why throw all that away?

Answer 4

Making a desision like this s not easy. Filing for a divorce is a scarry thing as you will have to leave your confort zone and adjust to a lifestyle that might be below of what you are used to.

You are holding on because you are unsure to decide if being happy and free is worth the sacrifice of being a stay at home mom with all your bills paid in full.

Good luck

Answer 5

Seek the inner cause of problems
"When you arrive at your future, will you blame your past?"
-- Robert Half

What holds you back from being and doing more? In your journal, list what you believe is holding you back. Have you blamed people or factors outside of yourself? It's important to understand that ALL problems are rooted inside us. Even the blocks that appear to be outside of us are only reflecting back an issue we have inside that we have not yet owned. Once we address our inner issue, the outer situation no longer troubles us.

The buck always stops with us. We step into our power when we accept responsibility for our lives.

"The most self-destructive thought that any person can have is thinking that he or she is not in total control of his or her life. That's when, ‘Why me?’ becomes a theme song."
-- Roger Dawson

"...look at that word blame. It's just a coincidence that the last two letters spell the word me. But that coincidence is worth thinking about. Other people or unfortunate circumstances may have caused you to feel pain, but only you control whether you allow that pain to go on. If you want those feelings to go away, you have to say: ‘It's up to me.’"
-- Arthur Freeman

"Don't make excuses -- make good."
-- Elbert Hubbard

Embrace the positive and negative in wholeness. "Only when we can love hell will we find heaven."

People often view the spiritual path as a search for the light. In truth, spirituality asks us to bring light and darkness together in wholeness. And in fact, this is the only possible solution. In our world of duality, any effort to focus all attention on the light only serves to increase the power of the darkness. Our aim is not to deny or reject anything but to embrace it all.

"When you are able to contain both the light and dark together, that is a very enlightening state. It means that you no longer have to choose one experience over another. You do not have to choose love OR hate, blame OR forgiveness, sadness OR joy, anger OR openheartedness. You are no longer polarized; no particular feeling boxes you in and keeps you from the light of true self. You then have access to the full range of human experiences you came into this life to embrace."
-- Martia Nelson

Answer 6

Life is too short to be "holding on to nothing"! If you KNOW the marriage is over, then go ahead and make it official with a divorce. Sure, there's going to be changes, but change is not bad. Find somebody that loves you, and that you can love in return, so you can "have something to hold on to"! You will not regret it.

Answer 7

You're right, you do have a lot to lose, but do you want to spend the rest of your life regretting the choices you have made? It's your life, sweetie, and a pretty big decision to make, here. Sleep on it, think about it, and your heart will tell you what to do. Good luck.

Answer 8

I really don't know much about marriages, but if you are not love with your husband and he feels the same way then maybe you should move on even it if it means you lose what you have. My mother had to do the samething. Sometimes people are forced to make decision they don't want to make, so really it is what you feel you have to do. its your call

Answer 9

please, take of this idea, that you are not having the right pair..the one u have is a loving husband.. and you wish to be a typical woman.. the fact you are afraid of is, that you may loose your stability as a good woman.. understand that, it is not just a friend ship, but more than that. be live that you are made for each other..

Answer 10

It sounds more like you are in love with him and maybe because it is such a long marrage you are in a rut, Maybe you too should try to refesh the thingsd you too fell inlove with! I don't see you holding on to nothing!!!

Answer 11

you answered your own question, in a way. you said yourself you are not in love with him. it doesn't matter about the new home, the money, or anything in between. do you love him, do you trust him, would you be happy with or without him? could you stand to be with anyone but him? that's what really matters, that's what love is, and everything in between that should be able to work itself out.