I found messages from fiance to gay men saying he is in the closet & wants to talk. How do I get over him?

Question

I've been dating him for almost 3 years (we are both 20) and I've known him for 10. I love him with all of my heart. Around a year ago he told me he was bi-curious and I kind of said ok and tried to be understanding as long as he didnt act on it. Then at Christmas he broke up with me for a month and told me that he thought he was gay and needed to think. About a month later he came back and begged me to take him back and I agreed if he tried harder to be good to me.

Well everything has been great for the past 7 months until last night. We were playing on myspace and he gave me his password, so this morning I logged on his account and was gonna put a picture up for him but decided to check his messages and in his sent box I got my heart crushed. The night before after I left his house, apparently he stayed up until 3 looking up (6) gay males from all across the country and sending them messages informing them that he is in the closet and wanted to talk to them if they liked him...

Answer 1

Get tested quickly and please find a way to get over him, he should go you can stay friends since you have known each other for a very long time

Answer 2

Ouch!
Clearly, there's the question here of whether you should have gone looking in his Sent box in the first place - hardly sounds like a trusting relationship. But let's put that aside for one minute. If he's contacting guys and claiming to be in the closet, this guy either a) doesn't know what he wants, or b) knows what he wants and trying to cope with what it means. Inevitably what it means is the end of the two of you, as he appears to have an itch that for no fault of your own, you can't really help him scratch, and whether he's genuinely gay or just needs to find out whether he is or not, it's his journey, and probably nt yours.

How to get over him? Well, technically, you've got to get through with him first, which ain't gonna be pretty. But essentially, space, friends, life, work, all weave a kind of healing spell - by having to breathe in and out, by having to get up tomorrow morning, you take yourself one day further from the pain of this, which will dull, pretty much only with time, and the life that fills up the time.

Good luck with your healing.

Answer 3

this is a tough situation. Its hard because you love this man and you've been together for a long time.. There is nothing wrong with him being Gay, but he has to choose is he gay or is he not? Does he want to be with you or no? Apparently he has been looking for a gay man, so i would guess that means that he is gay. I'm sorry... i would say be very supportive of him and his decisions, but don't agree to be in a relationship with him because apparently he's made his choose on which gender he likes more.... its not easy to move on, but just remember that someone is out there that will love you and give you what you deserve... take one day at a time and don't allow this to put a hold on your love life...

Answer 4

Don't marry this man. He is struggling now with being faithful to you, and it won't get any easier once you are married. It's time to break things off and begin to move on.

Will it be easy? No, and it will probably hurt like crazy, but you have to look at this man objectively as not a good choice for a marriage partner. (However painful this is, it won't be as painful as it would be if he has gay affairs after you are married and have children.)

In order to let your feelings for him go, turn your time, energy, and money in a different direction. You could, for example, focus on improving a relationship with a friend or relative (spend time with that person, buy thoughtful gifts, etc.). You could sign up for some community classes, or otherwise get involved in a sport or hobby. You could join a gym and work out your frustration every evening. Be creative, but don't allow yourself time to wallow in the pain of losing him, and DON'T give in and take him back. I have some friends who did just that and lived to regret it. Cut it off now. It's okay to say "I love you, but this isn't going to work out."

Answer 5

Ask a professional counselor, but it has been my observation that he will go over to the other side. If not now, he will certainly do so by age 45. Bi-sex men are like that. The bi-women seem to be more self-assured about this much younger and will tell prospective men they switched, they're not interested. If I was in your shoes, I wouldn't want to explain this to any offspring later on when the switch came down.

Answer 6

Sweet girl, your little man is very confused about his identity and sexuality. You can NOT, I repeat, NOT, help him with this decision. He will have to go down that road without you. You can love him as a friend and support him but cut him loose as a COMMITTED LIFE LONG PARTNER, you will have nothing but grief and pain. Take the pain now and remember these two things, GOD works in mysterious ways and when one door closes in your life another door will open. I know it hurts like hell and you feel like your dying inside but your saving yourself and potential CHILDREN a painful journey. Being gay is not a bad thing it is a predisposition that some people are born with, they discover this about themselves when they begin to change from adolescents to adults. I doubt he intentionally tried to deceive you, he just didn't know how to spare you any other way but to give you his password. Forgive, forget, heal and be strong, move on!

Answer 7

Listen hunny, this guy is confused. He needs to decide what he wants to do. He probably cares a lot about you but also thinks about other men as well. Don't do anything drastic. Just talk to him. Tell him that you were going to put up a picture for him and noticed the messages that were sent. Ask him if he wants to talk about them. If he says no let it ride for a while and see what happens. Don't judge him just because he is confused. Give him time to decide what he wants.

Good luck!

Answer 8

You are very fortunate that you found out now. You should have gotten a clue when he told you he was "bi-curious." Most men who claim to be bi are actually gay. You cannot hang onto him. Pick yourself up and get back into the dating scene. You will look back on this someday and be happy you were able to walk away from a very damaging situation.

Answer 9

You just have to move on! I hate to say it but you didnt have the right to read his messages. But at least you found out now and not later. I was in a situation like this before and all you can do is move on. You are young there are many more guys other for you!

Answer 10

I understand how tough it is being jilted be your "first love". We have all gone through it. Honey...just stop thinking about him and move on. Accept the fact that he is gay and find yourself another guy! There are lots out there. Play the field for a while before you get serious again...Hey, its ok to date lots of guys and have fun. It's also OK to check out all the possibilities before you decide on the "ONE" that you want for the rest of your life. Be young...have fun and make sure the next time you get serious with a guy...everything clicks...emotionaly and sexually.

Answer 11

And you are still with this guy, why? And you like pain, why? What ARE you thinking??? You want this guy to maybe be the father of your children why???? Are you nuts? You are lucky you know now. Yup, it will hurt for awhile, but there are just lovely men out there who are straight and have none of these problems, including the very big chance of giving you AIDS, honey.. If he's up looking for gay guys, you aint a big deal in his life.... GEt a grip, and get out.....