How do I stop finding reasons not 2 like my husband? I seem 2 b sabotaging my relationship & I don't know why.

Question

I am judgmental toward my husband and it seems like he can't do anything right. I know I am not perfect but I can't seem to get a handle on retaining any kind of tolerance or patience toward him. I feel like I married the wrong person-the right person being a man who tries to understand me, listens, communicates with me, doesn't get defensive or overly sensitive right off the bat, and a man with more of a postive, can-do attitude. I just feel like we are not matched well at all and both of our needs and wants have changed since we met 15 years ago. I feel I married him for the wrong reasons (security, stability) and that I would not choose him as a mate today. I struggle with these feelings everyday. We have been married for 9 years and have 2 children, 6 & 3. I am feeling lost and displaced.

Answer 1

Of course you've changed,and with two young kids it doesn't make things any easier. You can't live your life over again,you
have to make do with what you've got. Don't blame your husband
because you can bet this wasn't what he had in mind either.Do
you measure up to his expectations or are you as much of a disappointment to him?
The question you should ask yourself is are you better off with or
without him? Go from there.

Answer 2

I have heard of this kind of thing before. You're not the only one that does this but it seems, and I'm not saying that this is the case but, the people I have heard this from have done something in the past that they would rather not tell their partner...

Sub consciously they then tell themselves that the other party is to blame when in actual fact they are just obscuring the truth about the situation - they have all been afraid of confrontation and have not wanted to discuss the event with their partner.

If this is the case - You need to tell your husband that you have a secret that he does not know about. The worst thing that can happen is that he does in fact leave you - although unlikely this is what you're driving him toward either way so you have nothing to loose.

On the other hand - the secret may not be the case - you may be suffering from an inferiority complex. Don't be fooled. This has nothing to do with confidence. Some of the most confident people I know have had terrible self images. If this is the case you need to address an issue that will only get worse if you leave it.

You need to talk to your husband and let him know that you are having difficulty - I can understand that asking the question that you just did here in the forum may invoke some anger and spark off a fight which is the last thing that either of you need right now...

You must remember that for a healthy relationship to keep growing doesn't mean that you get to a comfort zone and stay there - you have to keep working as I am sure that you know...

Communication is essential - keep talking to your husband and make it known that you have a problem - don't make it his problem through shouting at him etc, rather ask him for his help - this will in turn make him feel as though he is important enough to be an integral part of his life and should help him feel better about putting in more effort...

Answer 3

It seems to me most women get married for the reason you describe (security and stability). You are do busy looking to find a guy that can give you a secure future that you overlook the things you need to stay together for the long haul. You figure you will be able to change him down the road and mold him into the person you dreamt of as a teenager. That is so wrong...
Why have you waited 15 years before coming to this conclusion? Even in your question, you place all the blame on him again instead of looking at the real problem...you and your overly high expectations! If you want out of the marriage, then tell him that...give him the kids and don't take any alimony and go find your prince charming. DON"T make him support you and live off him until you can find your ideal guy. HE did NOTHING wrong!!! Be an adult and don't make him pay for your mistake. Make a clean break and good luck finding your dream guy.

Answer 4

There could be any number of reasons why you are sabotaging your relationship - boredom, fear of success, anger, unmet expectations. It would help to identify what the issues are
However, that aside, you need to find a more enduring purpose for your marriage then fulfilling your desires. You have two little kids. The best thing you could do for them is model what a healthy relationship looks like, and give them the security of knowing things are good at home.
You certainly won't help your marriage by dwelling on your husbands perceived faults. Your negative attitude towards him and your excuses that "maybe he isn't the right person" will only cause you to spiral downward. You need to stop thinking about your husband being "the right person" and you need to work hard to be the right person. Pour yourself into your relationship, discover what makes Him feel loved, look for ways to encourage and build him up. I think the results will surprise you.
You are at a crossroad. You can either give up and live with the question "What could have been", or you can make something of it. The best things in life take perseverance, hard work, a positive outlook and a purpose that goes beyond yourself.

Answer 5

People change over time as do their needs and desires. I think that over time both you and your husband have changed directions in the marriage. Also you have small children that contribute to your feelings - stress of raising them, cleaning house, and all that fun stuff. Some of you judgmental feelings could be because of the stress you are now under that was not there when you first go married. Both you and your husband need to spend quality time together and really discuss the issues. The other thing I would do is spend ME time with out the kids and hubby to just relax.

Answer 6

Read Dr. Laura's The Proper Care and Feeding of a Husband

You probably did meet the right man and your caught up in the stupid I Hate Men attitudes put out in popular culture. A man that offers security and stability sounds like a man worth loving and you have 15 years behind you and two kids.

Sounds like you need a tune up on the TRULY important things in life.

Good luck, I wish the best for your children, husband and yourself.

Answer 7

Consider therapy, it helps (if you can find a good therapist).

Do you love him? I'm not talking about the romance. Do you love him? The reality is that you could leave at any time. It sounds to me like you want to make this marriage work. I've been married for 11 years and also have 2 kids. I got into therapy for myself and eventually my husband came in with me because it was either that, or divorce. It's working.

In the mean time, try to remember that he is a person with thoughts and feelings to, and if you're not telling him right out that he's not "good enough", I'm sure he can sense that and is feeling it.

Answer 8

You have falled in to a vicious circle fueled by old habits.
You have stopped communicating to each other by holding on to grudges and unresolved isuues, that's why you feel irritated by everything that he does, when the root to the problem is other, but the only way for you to show your discontentment is nickpicking into everything and nagging constantly.

Your behavuious is not helping and is not solving the situation. You are reacting to the true problem but you are not telling him what the real problem is. You say that you want somebody to listen to you, so the reason of your discontentment is not that he is a procrastinator but rather that you feel ignored, taken for granted and neglected.

Marriage counseling will help you break the bad relationship habits, improve your communication and help you unterstand each other needs.

Good luck

Answer 9

U have to ask Ur self if u still love him and did he gave u that security,stability u were after if yes, then u should give him a credit. Not many blokes can make u feel secure....most of the time, they want it from u.lol and what is soil mate Ur not playing game or watching TV u have to bring up Ur kids and for that u do need a good stable man and a dad to Ur kids

Answer 10

You know sometimes I feel that way with my fiance but I have felt displaced in my past relationship as well! I guess in the full scope of things I guess after while your not living for yourself which I am not. I just sacrifice and cope and try to look on the brighter side of things. Don't get me wrong though I have great months and bad day when that thought daunts me "I may be with him for the wrong reasons". I just figure hell I might as well make the best of it after all it is what I wanted! Don't know what advice I could give but I guess I could just say you're not alone!

Answer 11

I think you are unhappy in your current situation.

You ascribe to your self the characteristic of being judgmental towards your husband? Are you the same towards others too?

It seem that this habit is not helping you (or him).

How does he react when you judge him? I am guessing this is not making him happy.

Is he agressive in response? Does he withdraw? Repeated judgement makes people sensitive....

You have travelled 15 years with him. Do you wish to sort this out? Seek help if you do. Right not you need peace with him and yourself.

Your children deserve a happy and loving home.

Peter