Is it normal to keep letting your adult kids move home like a revolving door policiy?

Question

My boyfriend has 2 kids, a 27yr old who just got his girlfriend pregnant, and the other is 25 and she is married and has 2 kids. She just moved out in march and now the 27 yr old who has the pregnant girlfriend is moving stuff in.
I am not kidding. One kid moves in with her husband and kids, then she moves out, then the next thing you know the other kid has moved in and then the other kid comes home for a visit and starts moving her stuff in and is telling her dad they are having a hard time financially.
Would you tell them to learn to live on their own or am I being a hard ***? Its like he is encouraging this behavior. He works 12 hour days 6 days a week and travels a lot.

He makes a lot of money, and they are pretty much given whatever they want. He expects no rent, no help on the bills, no money. They see it as easy street.

Answer 1

If he keeps letting them do that, they wiill never learn to depend on themselves. He is enabling them.

Answer 2

It is ok to want to take care of your children but there is always a breaking point to what is overboard. Yes I would never turn my child away if there was a financial burden considering the way everythig is going up in prices. But when this is happening often then you do need to put your foot down and say enough. But im sure he looks at it he is not there most of the time anyways and what would make the difference if a person was in the house and not a waisted place. He loves his children and wants them around. Alot of parents are like that.

Just a piece of advice if your going to try to do something about it. Usually when you try to come in between family then you are making a mistake and going to ruin your relationship.

I would casually bring it up with not that many opinions and see how the conversation goes. After all they are his children and it is his house.

Answer 3

Well we all do it or let it happen. We do not want are kids to be out on the streets either. But you have encourage a little tuff love. we did and it seems to have worked. Know they just ask for money from a distance. But they don't always get it either. It is tuff but hang in there. Set them all down and just let them know this is how it is going to be anyone who lives here pays tow ward food and must work even if it is part time and you have x amount of days to find a place on your own.

Answer 4

He certainly isn't helping them by allowing them to move in. You need to sit down and explain that it is your home too and that they need to learn that they are responsible for themselves.

There are certainly times when this might be needed. But if they are on a revolving door policy they are not learning to take care of themselves.

Also if they are moving back for extended periods of time they should be paying room and board and also helping with household chores. If they are unemployed, they should be spending working hours looking for work, not just sitting around or goofing off.

Also, as others have pointed out, you are not married to him which does leave you in a bit of a pickle. They are family, you're not. I would really consider whether or not this is what you want because it's not going to change.

Answer 5

The questions is how often do they keep doing it? If they have both run into hard times recently, then your boyfriend is helping them out. But, if they've done this in the past (several times), then he is enabling them and they are not learning to stand on their own two feet.

The important thing is pattern. The daughter moving out and the son moving in immediately could be a coincidence, but do some investigation and find out if this has occurred in the past.

Answer 6

I know it's odd, but many parents are "enablers". They enable behavior in their children. This phrase is most often used with addicts but it fits here too. Any place where behavior is not normal yet is allowed and even encouraged there is an enabler. Parents usually can't help it. They want to help their children and they think they are.

There is very little you can do to help. An enabler has a very hard time getting tough with the addict. In this case the addicts are her children addicted to the nurturing and easy lifestyle of living at home.

Answer 7

At the ages that they are at there is no reason for them to keep moving in with there father. If they cant afford to take care of themselves why the hell are they having kids? I understand that money does get tight but at the age they are at they shouldnt want to live with there father .. i no i woulddnt want to live with my parents and i am 19... So i think you should have a talk with your boyfriend and tell him that it is time for him to put his foot down.. he is not going to be around forewver so his children better learn now how to do it on there own... and if he is encouraging this he is just being dumb (no offence) I understand parents want to keep there children close but that is just to close.

Answer 8

Both of my children have moved home while in transition. Like before moving to a new town. I do not think it is normal to have a revolving door policy. It has got to be tough for you since they are not your children. Plus the fact your boyfriend is not home much. You will always look like the bad guy if you say something to them.

Answer 9

They are his kids, and he can't just let them live in squaller. However, they also need to have some level of responsibility too. While it is always nice to always be able to come home, that is more of a symbolic thing than a literal thing. If you are having issues like unexpected unemployment, it is nice to have someplace to go for a couple months to get your feet back on the ground.

Answer 10

My parents allowed me to move back home when I was having a difficult time financially. They always tell me that I can always come back home. I guess you would have to be a parent to understand. However, I know I can always go home, my parents always say they would want me to come home rather than be out in the streets struggling. I will never take advantage of that though.

Answer 11

These kids are part of the Boomerang generation they keep coming and going and do not want to take on grown-up responsibility. You are not being a hard a$$ don't worry. But they should leave and get their own life.