Should I stay with my husband who has cheated on me??

Question

we have been together for 10 years and have 2 kids. I found out in Feb 2006 that he was cheating on me. Well we talked it out and promised to change, blah, blah...But even though we talked things out, I can't forget and the pain is still there alot!! What should I do? This is driving me crazy.

Answer 1

Not that cheating should ever be condoned - and not that he couldn't have kept himself from cheating, but there is so much more at stake here other than "once a cheater always a cheater." You have a relationship and two kids to consider. Any step --- ANY step --- you take from here on out is going to impact EVERYBODY'S life. Things have changed, permanently, and you now have to set a new - and better - course for everything. It may be with him; it may be without him. You don't know just yet.

This kind of situation takes serious introspection, effort and dedication. More than the two of you have had for your relationship in the past. Work, work, work. You two do need to go to counseling, both together and separately. You need to go as a couple to understand what happened and why - and it's not just as simple as "he was an a**hole." The two of you need to figure out what the TWO of you are going to do to rebuild your relationship. You need to go to counseling by yourself in order to learn how to expel the pain and hurt --- you are going to be able to express it to him, but you also need to be validated enough to the point that you will be able to let it go. He needs to go to counseling in order to determine, for himself, why he did what he did and if he really can re-dedicate hmself to the marriage and if he really can be trusted not to betray it again.

Without this kind of work your pain will continue --- generally, men think that once you have talked it out ONCE, there is no need to talk about it again. ("Hey, I SAID I was sorry - what else do you want me to say?") They don't understand that a woman needs to talk it out over and over until it is out of their system. On the flip side of that is that women tend to expect concrete answers for "'what happened". When they ask "why did you do this" they really expect to get a logical answer and there just isn't one. So the couple has to hit a balance between her need to talk and talk and talk it out and his preference for "letting bygones by bygones."

Go to counseling, kiddo - then you won't be the one directing the process - you will be participating in it.

Answer 2

Why is it that, in many cases, when a man cheats on a woman the woman ask other people what to do? My first question is, WHAT DID YOU DO< OR > NOT DO FOR HIM TO HAVE CHEATED IN THE FIRST PLACE? Now go on, tell me, you did nothing, and he just cheated. If this is your responce, then I say you married and had children with a cheater, and it's your own doing. Tell me that you did nothing wrong, and you did EVERYTHING for your man. And I say to that, that is why he cheated is because you did EVERYTHING for him. In other words, you spoiled the MALE.You can't tell me that everything is balanced because it's not ...your husband is cheating. At one point in you and his encounter, both of you found each other attractive. What happened to that? Did you loose it somewhere down the road? And if you find that you misplaced it, then one or both of you have to go back and get it. That's if you want to remain together. He cheated on you....ok....how long ago did this happen.....if it's longer than a week and you are still clinging to it, then you don't want to be with him. If everyone clung to bad pass experiences can you just imagine how much more screwed up the world would be. Now I'm not saying you're screwed up, and I'm not judging you, but you have to get real and stop playing LIFE and start living in real time and not playing the Blame Game. Most of our sicknesses are self inflicting, so take your medicine in silence and heal first.

Answer 3

Well i know you have a lot of answers to sort through but i just thought i would throw in my 2 cents worth. I went though and am still going through a very similar situation.
Just after Thnxgiving last year i found out my husband was cheating. He packed his stuff and left ( i always said i wouldn't stay with someone that cheated on me). That night after work he came back begging and i allowed him to come back. As long as he promised to tell me the absolute truth about everything that happened and about everything in the future.
I am just now realizing what a huge mistake i made. (we have 3 kids) Recently i found out that he lied about what did and didn't happen. And he still lies on a daily basis.
My point is it is hard for someone else to tell you what to do, beause only you know what it is like to be in your relationship. Can you trust him? Can you forgive?
You need to know the answers to these questions because if you can't move on then you end up bitter and hating him (trust me i know). And you kids do not benefit. Yes kids need their parents but they also need role models, they need to see how a relationship should work, not a manual on how to treat a woman (or man) like a doormat. Ok i will stop now.

Good luck in whatever you choose.

Answer 4

You have to ask yourself at this point:
1. Are you better off with him or without him, and that means a long look at economics at this point.
2. You can remain in the household, and finish raising your children, and have nothing to do with him if the whole idea of intimacy turns your stomach.
3. Your third choice is to see counseling -- both of you, and see if you can again feel that you could ever trust the guy again. A tad costly, but after all it IS your marriage, and it may be worth saving. At this point, it is surly broken, at least as far as you are concerned.....
4. Or if counseling comes to nothing, and you just can't stand the sight of the guy, even after guidance, bail.

Only you can decide the correct move. Lots of marriages have been healed, in others the betrayal is just tooo great, and you'd rather sleep in a tent somewhere..... Good luck. It is a mess not of your making, but you get to choose.

Answer 5

My wife did the same thing to me a few years ago. Sometimes mistakes happen and people are selfish and stupid. It still hurts after 15 years, and you don't forget. You have to choose to stay and try to work it out for yourself and/or your kids sake. If you can't let go, then move on. Just keep it civil for the kids sake. It happens. I stayed, but only for the kids. I will be leaving soon myself. There were other things that have contributed, but that was the major "Loss of Trust" incident. You can't get it back...

Answer 6

Hi Jill,

It is easy for people to tell you to leave, but they DON'T have 2 kids and they DON'T have 10 years tied up in the marriage. So for people to tell you to just pick up and leave is as wrong as what your husband did.

The question I have for you before I give you advice is: Did you ever cheat on him? Statistically speaking you are as or more likely to have cheated on him as he did you. That being said, if you have and you didn't get busted, you either need to forget about his infidelity or fess up and see if he wants YOU any longer.

If you did not cheat, then you need to give yourself some time to heal before you make any rash move. As long as he is apologetic and you rip his a$$ for what he did and he continues to be apologetic and respectful, there is hope you will survive this thing.

This is just life. It happens. And even though it makes you hate the world, it is VERY common. No man you ever find will be any different. Try to work it out with this one if you love him.

Answer 7

To be honest if love still there you should stay. Thing to remember is that you can forgive but never forget. Very important that talk a lot to one another and talk it through. Kids nowadays do not have fathers. Remember a man can mess up but it up to man to become a man and know what he did wrong and make life better for you and kids. Try and work on trust with him.

Answer 8

Talking it out once won't do it. You need to have family counseling if you still love him or divorce him now. There are deeper issues as to why your husband cheated and therapy will draw these things out. You have been betrayed in the marriage and it will take a lot of time and effort to trust this man again.

Good luck and I am sorry you have gone through this.

Answer 9

I know it would be easy for me to say, "leave." But it's a lot more complicated than that. Speaking from experience, there is a lot of things that I think a woman must put up with if she's married. That was part of the deal. But cheating is not one of them. It's nothing that you're doing wrong. The only reason it would seem feasible to stay with this man is because of your children. But it's all up to you. How much sh!t are you willing to put up with. Good luck.

Answer 10

1. seek councelling
2. get separated
3. you need your own space to think things out properly.
4.if he has done it once he will do it again.
5.do you want your kids to live with your hubby known that he cheated on you.
6. does he really love you? if you answered yes then why was he unfaithful to you in the 1st place?
7.drop him like its hot.
8.if you are this unhappy tell him to get out.
9.get custody of the kids.
10.you have to make yourself happy even tho times right now are hard.
11.live your life with your kids nevermind him hes not worth it.
12.think back is this the sort of dad you want for your kids?
13.goodluck i hope you make the right decision for you and your family.