Parents blame me for my brother being gay?

Question

He just told the family yesterday.

Our parents are really old fashioned people, I have a lot of their views too. However when I was eight I realised some of what they said was wrong.

Why hate someone just because they love someone of the same gender. I talked to my younger brother about that, and made sure the hate they taught was not passed on to him, like it had been to our older brother.

Because I told my brother to not hate someone because of things they cannot change including their race, etc. My parents blame me for my brother being gay. And want me to "fix" him now, because it is my fault.

Problem is I do know how to make him straight, and I am not too sure if me teaching him to not hate, made him the way he is...

Answer 1

Misha, you already know this but I will say it anyway: your brother is not broken because he is gay. It is biological, not a choice that someone just decides to be gay one day. We see it in animals, we see it in humans throughout history.

What you may have done is save your brother's life. Some gay people, especially men, commit suicide when they find out they are gay. Think of how much hatred there is and how much they are taught to hate gays and then to find out they themselves are gay! Very depressing. Mostly it is depressing what we do to our children in that respect. So in teaching your brother to be kind to people of all genders, you have done him a service.

Now it is up to your parents. They need some counselling. Not from you. Perhaps you can find a priest or someone in the community who can talk to them, make them see that they will lose their son if they do not go back to loving him. They need to stop with the blame and continue with their parental love. He has not changed in his need for that. For that matter, neither have you. Do they want to turn you away, too? They risk that with their continued hatred and blaming.

Misha, children are precious. And we can cite tradition when we do not WANT to change. It is tradiational to love our children no matter what. If you google around you can find quite a few famous gays (including Russian rulers, BTW).

Big hugs.

Answer 2

Kudos to you for being an awesome sibling and showing your brother that hate is not the way. And you cant change him, and he would have been gay even if you didnt teach him to not hate. He would have just been more reclusive and maybe had some major issues with himself. You may very well have saved him from a lot of self-hate. The only thing for you to do is stand up to your parents and let them know he isnt broken and doesnt need to be fixed. You just keep supporting your brothere and all will be well in the end.

Answer 3

Either he is or he is not. Whether he was gay or not was determined at his conception.

What you probably helped him do was come to terms with how he is. Do you know how many young people commit suicide in their teens because they can't handle the idea of being gay? Don't take my word for it, do a google search. Maybe show the results to your parents. You might very well have saved your brothers life! Your parents may never acknowledge this.

Their is no Dr. that can make him straight. Their is no Dr. that can make a straight person gay. It won't help if you hook him up with a woman and he does the deed.

People have to learn to play with the cards they are dealt. This goes for learning about ourselves and for whom we have in our lives.

Time and education are what your parents need. You may give them a lot of each and they may never get it. But then that would be on them.

Answer 4

sweetie, you've done nothing wrong. in fact you've tried to do the right thing by helping your brother see that love is never wrong, no matter who that love is given to. you've actually done a better job at teaching your brother how to be a productive and happy human being than your parents did. they are the ones who did wrong by trying to teach you and your brothers that hate is a good thing. they are the ones that need fixing, not your brother, he was never broken. you teaching him tolerance isn't what made him gay. noone ever makes someone gay or straight, they either are or they aren't.
you'll need to be there for your brother, he's going to need you more than ever during this time. and who knows, maybe after a little time your parents may even get to accepting him for who he is. they might not like it, but if they truly love their son as they claimed they did before he came out, they will at least be able to accept him for him.
good luck to you and your brother!

Answer 5

Oh no way, your parents cannot blame you for something like this. Your brother has learnt to respect all people as individuals which you were right to influence on him. It sounds like your parents are so horrified that their son is gay they're trying to find someone to blame which is unfortunately you. Your parents probably will never get over this, as they seem to be quite narrow minded, ignorant people, but you and your brother have your lives ahead of you, you be there for your brother and I'm sure your brother will never forget the way you helped him and supported him when his parents weren't there for him. Sometime in the future your parents will realise, look back and regret.....

Answer 6

Depends on how old your brother is, he might just be confused, rebelling against his up bringing, feel less threatened by men, searching for lack of love from a father, or he might really be gay.... he can't be "fixed". Just be a good sister and support him. Parents are probably feeling they did something wrong too, many are tolerant of gay people, when they gay person is not a family member. Just don't let it be all that defines your brother in their eyes. Is he good at sport, music, his job, school etc, remind them of the whole person he is.

Answer 7

Your brother needs to be proud of who he is.

You taught him to be tolerant and accept people the way they are. He could have gone his whole life pretending to be straight and miserable.

I say good for you.

I know this is a hard time and your parents just want someone to blame as they this that being gay is wrong. They'll come round.

Answer 8

your parents will probably have had a shock, and you're the one that got it in the neck. you cant make anyone gay or str8: you can lead a horse to water...famous last words, lol.

hopefully your parents will come around in time and realise the prejudiced remarks they have made are unfounded.

meanwhile, i recommend you try a confidence building/assertiveness training course, so that if your parents are still narrow minded even after they have had time to digest the news about your brother, at least they wont have made you neurotic and timid in the process.

these things can take time chuk: you and your brother support each other, and try to pity your parents in their ignorance.

Answer 9

Trust me, you did not 'teach him' to be gay. Ask him, and he will probably tell you e felt this way long before you had your talk to him. There is nothng to fix, I am much happier than many of my straight friends, especially in a relationship sense.

Your parents may need time to adjust to the news, they will be very shocked. So just try to talk to them and get them to visit PFLAG.org (parents, families and friends of lesbians and gays) for information and the chance to meet other parents in similar situation. They may learn that there is nothing to 'fix'

Answer 10

A person is born gay. With all the abuse that people throw at gay people if we were all born straight we would not choose to be gay. I suppressed my gay side but last year I came out and it was the best thing I did. Your brother is natually gay and you may have helped him to accept it.