New baby stresses?

Question

I have a 7 year old son and now a 2 week old son. My wife can be a quite anxious and highly strung person and the stresses of the new baby have sent her to pieces. She cannot cope with the night time waking (which is frequent - every 2 hours) and invariably ends up screaming, panicking and sobbing. I worry about how this is all affecting our 7 year old. It breaks my heart to see my wife that way. I am feeling the strain myself - currently working full time, settling the baby during the night when my wife loses the plot, trying to keep my older son away from the sobbing mother. I have tried to encourage her to give up breast feeding so that she can have a break away from the baby, but as yet am unsuccesfull. She sees herself as a complete failure on every level and would see giving up the breast as an additional failure. I am offering lots of support, am frequently taking time off from work to help out. Would like to hear any one elses experiences and ways they found to cope.

Answer 1

This is a really hard time for some women. I too had a hard time about two weeks into it with my second baby. You can only go so long with out a good nights sleep. For sure getting your wife a break is the answer. See if she will pump for the next few feedings. The platex bottles and breast feeding nipples do work in extreme cases and this is sounding like one of them. This should be a wonderful new time for everyone and if your seven year old is seeing this as a major disruption in his family life there could be limited if not lasting impressions made on him. Seven years old is old enough to figure out that something is going on and you might be better off talking to him about it. Stay on his level but he is old enough to empathize with being tired. You might want to remind him of the last time he was extra sad or grump because he was really sleepy and that might help him understand that it is not the new baby’s fault.
If you can get her to pump for just a few feedings then you will have a reserve of breast milk and can give her a full night’s sleep. This was the only thing that I needed to get me on track. You might be able to encourage her by telling her that if her stress level continues there is a good chance it could effect her milk production. Then she would really feel inadequate. This is a normal thing, she has so many hormones dropping off and perking up not to mention sleep depravation.
Get her involved with the Le leche league. She will meet other breast feeding mothers that are going through and most importantly have been through the same thing. Sometimes support from other women counts for a lot.
Just remember this too shall pass, you will have your happy little family again. Phases in early childhood luckily only last a few months at the most at a time.
I also... (Big taboo with some folks) slept with my babies. It was so much easier to just roll over and feed them. Their Daddy would get up and change them and then bring them back to me. We only did this for the first two months and by then they were sleeping through the night. That is a personal decision though, the "experts" say not to do this and if either of yall are heavy sleepers I would not recommend it. You can also get baby beds that attach to your own bed. That way baby is close to you but safe as well. Being so close to Mommy and Daddy might help he or she sleep for more than two hours at a time as well. Best of luck, I will be sending your family lots of good energy.
Much peace

Answer 2

Trying to encourage her to stop nursing is probably the exact worst thing that you can do. If I were your wife, I'd be totally pissed at you for even suggesting that I stop doing something so very important. Not to mention, when a woman is breastfeeding the hormones can help her feel better. Many women who are depressed post-partum become WORSE if they wean. Please stop encouraging her to wean...you may only be making things worse even though you mean well.

Be sure to spend some one one one time with your seven year old.

Remind her that waking every two hours is normal at this age. Breastmilk digests in about 90 minutes. Babies need to eat frequently as they are trying to gain a lot at once. Plus, there are growth spurts at about 10 days, 3 weeks, 6 weeks and then 3 months. Once she gets past the 6 week growth spurt, things are going to get a little easier.

Is there anyone who can help her out some? Relatives, neighbors, church friends, La Leche League members, etc?

Encourage her to sleep when the baby sleeps.....even during the day. Is the older child home for summer vacation? Maybe she isn't getting the daytime naps she should because of having him home? If that's the case, can he go play at a neighbors in the afternoon for an hour or two so that your wife can get a nap in? Or is he responsible enough to be allowed on the computer or TV on his own for a bit while she naps on the couch?

Tell her not to worry too much about housework right now. The baby comes first. You do as much of the housework as you can in the evening or on weekends. If someone else asks "how can I help" then have her put a list on the fridge of things that need done and they can pick something. If she is trying to overdo it, that could be why she is stressing out. Make sure she understands that no one expects her to be "Supermom" and accomplish everything right now. A newborn is a full-time job!

Stress to her what she is doing well if she is feeling like a failure. "WOW! Look how much weight the baby gained in one week! Great job mom!"

Either get up early so she can have a shower before you leave or make sure you take the baby for a few minutes in the evening so she can have a shower before bed.

If she isn't already, have her consider bringing the baby into bed with you so she can get more sleep.

If she decides to pump some feedings as others have suggested, at two weeks I would NOT offer them in a bottle. You could cause more harm than good that way. Instead, use a spoon, a medicine dropper, a syringe (without a needle or course) or a small soft sided cup (like the kind that comes on a bottle of Pepto Bismol) to offer the expressed milk. You don't want to add nipple confusion to her stresses.

Answer 3

Its not fatal to a baby's health. But high levels of stress can cause hormone imbalances during the early stages of pregnancy and sometimes miscarriage. My partner had been diagnosed with cancer just before i found out i was pregnant + i was working over 36hours a week and i had just been evicted from my home of residence. I state this because i am now 39 weeks pregnant with a healthy baby boy and the pregnancy has gone like a breeze. It was an extremely stressful time a few months ago, but every woman's body is different and deals with stress in its own way.

Answer 4

If the situation doesn't get better in a couple more weeks you might start to think about mentioning going to the doctor. For the first few weeks after my daughter was born I had a hard time. My husband was very supportive and helped out in any way he could. Just keep telling her how great of a mother and wife she is and let her cry it out with you sometimes. I also had trouble breastfeeding and felt like a failure but don't let anyone tell her it is wrong because some people just aren't cut out for it. It is very time consuming and bottle feeding these days offers the same nutrition. All she needs and all you cacn do for the time being is help out as much as you can and offer many compliments and encouraging words. It will get better when a routine comes into play. Good luck!

Answer 5

I also breastfeed and can understand your wife, to a point. First I would start out by taking your wife to the doc, it sounds like she has a little postpartum depression. I had it with my first. Maybe you could talk her into pumping during the day so she can feed expressed milk through a bottle. That way the feeding takes less time, she is not giving up the breast and you both get sleep! Feel free to contact me... I have been there. I am here to help! I would tell her to go take a few hours to herself one of these days.. after visiting the doc. Let her get out and clear her head. That may be all it will take.. Good luck! and hang in there!

Answer 6

you should ask your childs pediatrition how you can get a hold of a new moms group. your wifes doctor might know also. i didn't breast feed, but when my second son would wake up for a feeding i would take that time to read a book. that way she has something to look forward to while breast feeding. maybe she could try a walkman or discman with head phones to listen to her favorite music. a suggestion on a book would be "boys life" by robert r. mccammon. with 2 boys myself it was great to see life through a boys eyes and it was a real page turner. something like that to keep her awake and excited for her semi-private and quiet time while the baby is feeding. just breath and count to 10, eventually it will get better. below is a link to the la leche league. they provide advice and support for breastfeeding moms. also on this webpage you can find a link to find a la leche league near you. my mother in law used them when she had my husband and she said they're great. i hope this helps.

Answer 7

Sounds like she could use some new mom group support or counseling on how to handle the stress she feels she is going through. She might have post partum depression -- so have her go to the doctor.

Answer 8

Try and see if you can have her mom , or a relative come and help so she can rest between feedings, tht's really what she needs or even treat her to an hour long massage at a spa, so she can relax.

Answer 9

Have her call her doctor...this sounds like post-partum depression to me. It shouldn't be taken lightly.

Answer 10

Sounds like she has post partum depression.

Don't have her stop nursing!!!!