So what do i do? My husband has told me I'm not his ideal woman but he still loves me, I love him. Do I leave?

Question

He has never been happy with me always looking and wanting other women (though he's never been with them). He says he loves me and that he couldn't live without me, I love him but I'm torn as to what to do. Those words are ringing in my ears ever since he told me 24 hours ago. 20 years married by the way,

Answer 1

Is there any such thing as an ideal person to anyone? I suspect that everyone could find something in their partner they would like to change. This does not mean they don't love thier partner.

Its a level of honesty that few people ever feel secure enough to voice out loud. Most men will look at other women, it is natural.

The important thing is that he does love you, he does not want to be without you and you love him. Find out what he means and work it out together, love always finds a way.

Don't leave.

Answer 2

Why don't you ask him what exactly about you makes you not his ideal woman? However, imbrace yourself because you may not really want to hear the answer. Then aim for self improvement. We all need a little self improvement. Some of the things that he mentions try working on. Now if you a red headed and he wants blonde or your bigger built and he wants skinny, then instead of changing your hair and body then find something that makes you feel sexy. Amazingly enough men are attracted to women who are confident. Find a place where you can be confident, maybe change your wardrobe or the way you comb your hair. Once you've made a few changes tell him it's his turn to make some changes. Instead of tolerating his messyness or his very small selection of dinner ideas make him pick up his mess or cook something different. Marriage is a 2 way street. Both people have to give 100%. If he is not satified with you, then try. If he doesn't recognize your change or efforts then truly he is no longer interested in marriage. Try marriage counseling or taking to your pastor or priest. They can always offer you some different suggestions. There is also a good book called "the 5 Love Languages". Its amazing book and could probably help you. I read it and tried a few things and it makes a difference. The key to great marriage is good communication. Get that book it's a good one for any marriage happy or unhappy. Good luck!

Answer 3

Difficult! He may not have meant it in an offencive way or seen the significance of his words. Perhaps he was being jovial?

Think you should talk to him and ask him if he'd like a break so he can have the chance to find his ideal woman... you don't have to mean it but you would at least be able to see his reaction to the suggestion and so understand if his heart lies elsewhere.

Could it also be a midlife crisis? Maybe he realises he's getting on and thinks there is not much else left in life for him?

Why not start looking at other men when he is around and mentioning if they have nice bodies or say that he looks like your ideal man? Maybe that would give him a shock and make him realise that he is not being fair on the woman he committed to spending the rest of his life with.

I feel very sorry for you, especially as you say he has never been happy with you and always looked at others. Maybe its time you thought a bit more about yourself. Could be hard but do you really want to live a second best to everyone else? Sure you could find someone else who would think you are perfect but its a big risk to take.

Good luck.

Answer 4

How very sad. My heart sank when I read this. To be married 20 years is an accomplishment in itself. I think you need to show him what other folk here have written. You must make him understand that he really hurt your feelings. At his age he should come already to the realization that: Pretty packages can hide real ugliness. I'm not sure you can count on this man when the going gets tough. It is my hunch that he lacks moral character because after all you both have been through, that he can foolishly say something like this. He does not sound like a very evolved person. Good luck to you. I hope you let us know when you choose the best answer what you have decided to do, if anything. There may be others out there that can learn from you. God Bless.

Answer 5

I don't know why he told you unless it was to either hurt you, or to get you to leave him so he would have less guilt than if he left you. Either way it was a pretty low thing to do.

I think most men, however much they love and fancy their spouse, can't help looking and wondering about other women even if they don't act on it. I'm not excusing him, but I think it's pretty common. But when you say he has never been happy with you, it seems a little more than that.

I would talk to him again, explain how much those words hurt and say you are not happy with him. If he wants to end your marriage then he should just say so instead of making you feel rotten. It seems like he has been chipping away at your self esteem and that's not nice to do to anyone, let alone the women you are supposed to love. Don't leave him... tell him to buck his ideas up or he should leave.

Answer 6

Yes, it depends on the context, and you should try and discuss it calmly with him.

Many men (and also women) have a mental image of what their ideal woman (or man) looks like PHYSICALLY. For instance, I might say that Shania Twain is my "ideal woman", but that has no bearing on my marriage - I love my wife firstly for the person she is inside. (The fact that I fancy my wife something chronic is a bonus!)

As for his 'always looking at other women', that is just what we men do. We can't help it that our primary sense is sight, and there is nothing wrong with liking what we see. Another man trait is saying exactly what we mean. Your husband may have been too honest this time in saying that you are not his idea of physical perfection, but he chose you 20 years ago, has always been with you alone, and he loves you still.

Equally important is that you love him, so you should be able to talk this one through. I understand that this is hurting now, but give it a little time and have your chat.

Answer 7

Get out of this now and don`t waste anymore time on him.That was a terrible thing he said to you and if he has felt this way for twenty years why has he stayed? He obviously thinks you will stand for anything.He is self-centred and conceited and there are plenty more men out there that WILL appreciate you.It dose`nt matter whether he has cheated or not,he has obviously thought about it more than once.My husband of 24yrs did exactly the same thing and I finally had enough and asked him to leave.He was shocked at first,but he went anyway and it was the best thing I ever did.I met a man 2yrs later and we have now been married for 5yrs and he would NEVER hurt or say anything against me.So don`t let people tell you to go to counselling because unless this has happened to them ,they don`t know what it`s like and it does`nt work believe me.Good luck in whatever you decide to do,but don`t waste your life,you only live once!!!

Answer 8

What is his "ideal" woman (if there is such a thing)? Someone who has been faithful to him for 20 years isn't it? They say the grass is always greener, but it isn't necessarily.

I agree with the person who said to discuss this with him. Tell him how much that hurt to hear and find out why he said it. Men and women communicate soooo differently, at least find out what was in his head when he said that, you might be surprised.

But don't give up on 20 years so easily. I am sure you have made it through some tough times and this is just one more bump in the road.

Answer 9

Sounds like he's going through a bit of a mid life crisis or something , but ya know what??
Every woman deserves to be loved like no other. They deserve to be the only person in the world that can turn their husband's head, that can make him happy, and that can make you happy. If you're asking this question here, you need to sit with him, and make him perfectly clear of how you feel. Tell him that if you're not the most important thing to him.. physical flaws and all.. then you're going to go find someone to make you his princess.

Oh, and don't listen to anything "The Defiant One' said.. If he married you.. it SHOULD BE because you are the best woman in the world -for him- you are better than other women.. you're you.. from all the other women he could have chosen.. he chose you.. because YOU are better.

Answer 10

Tell him no one ever marries an ideal one. The word ideal means only an idea - a dream - an illusion.

Don't feel hurt. Many married couples usually take one another for granted once married. Since you love him and he loves you, he's just been very comfortable with you to say that (though that shows he's quite a jerk). Take life easy because that will make you happier.

My husband teases me all the time and since I love him, I got to take what he says with a pinch of salt. Laugh it off and tell him he is very lucky to be married to you. Don't worry, be happy. Life is just a passing phase.