Money and cars gas and bars the life of a man with who has no band to help him get past the bars that hold him there but he’s free to run but has no fan and to much gasoline but no fire to get him there to help him get pass the iron that holds him in like the curtain that pushes he’s courage but he’s trapped in fume’s but with no match to start fire he will never get out he will only die.
2006-07-25 18:41:15 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous in Entertainment & Music ➔ Music
I like the thought behind it, but the message is muddled by poor structure. Again, as I tell many an aspiring poet, don't screw around around with grammar until you know enough to break it correctly. Keep trying though, I think you have something there.
2006-07-25 18:45:38 · answer #1 · answered by taishar68 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
take out the first "with"
and "to much gasoline" needs to be "too much gasoline"
"he's courage" need to be "his courage" or "he's courageous"
"fume's" needs to be "fumes"
make these changes and its very good. nice flow
enter it at www.poetry.com
you might get it published.
2006-07-26 01:48:23 · answer #2 · answered by lighting goddess 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No, but maybe it's because I don't know how to read it. Add some grammar. Is it a rap? Sounds sorta like one. Maybe you should record someone reading it.
2006-07-26 01:47:09 · answer #3 · answered by Andrea 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I dont get it... =0S
2006-07-26 01:45:22 · answer #4 · answered by antoni_m 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
wow .... alot of dullness to it ...
2006-07-26 01:44:48 · answer #5 · answered by Vendoras 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
cool, sure, i guess
2006-07-26 01:50:52 · answer #6 · answered by snickerz93 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
no
2006-07-26 01:46:17 · answer #7 · answered by Queevil 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
its ok
2006-07-26 01:44:50 · answer #8 · answered by angel74 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋