What do you think of this poem- opinions appreciated...?

Question

please be brutully honest; im thinking about writing lyrics for a friends punk bamd- this is just a random slam poem- thanks for ur opnion!!!


And theres a haze just like a fog
That seperates me from right and wrong
And guess which side ur on?
Ur like a dead butterfly fallen to the ground
Representing every last bit of hope crashing down.


*What did you say you wanted?
The answer never comes,
So now your dreams are haunted.
Why didn’t you just not go along
Now ur stuck relating to stupid love songs *
*If you wanted this all so bad how could it have changed so suddenly ?
Now im here left to be lonely and solve ur mystery...
Painless torture is as to the scars you’ve left etched in my mind
Next time, leave your pathetic self out of it before your ego gets behind*

System of a down taught me politics
Good charlotte taught me teachers are wrong
Blink 182 taught me how to suck a dick

thanks you for all the answers! the last 3 lines are a total inside joke, plz dont be offeneded or anything by them!

Answer 1

hey they are really good and i hope you get to write more and still get into it you might secced in it

Answer 2

Sorry. Doesn't do it for me. Although there IS a way of doom and a velocity suggesting an coming near terror, I discover it overlong. The 4 line constitution is, I feel, tricky to paintings with. Here's an edited variation. But what do I recognise?! Lots of individuals like your poem as it's and the fundamental factor is that it's yours! Terror, ready, Dark is coming Haunted desires, hunt me down. The Dark is water, And I shall drown It is fireplace, And I shall burn, It is air, And I shall choke, It is earth And I might be buried, alive in shadow, With the approaching night time. I'm certain every body right here needs you the very exceptional for the surgical procedure. And do not stop at the poetry!

Answer 3

It is whiny, boring and in bad pantameter; also, unless you are a successful artist, don't change grammatical rules or spelling; a true writer follows the precepts of grammar and usage until they know why it is all right to break them.

Also, on a side note, you are very immature indeed if you decide that SOAD and Good Charlotte are the right teachers in the world; they may have something good to say, but they are not the final word. Do your own research, and form your own opinions.

Answer 4

Pretty damn good for a grunge song.

The last line sux. Lose it.

The two before it would work great if you coupled them with other names and what you learned from each.

Try checking out a song called '88 Lines About 44 Women' when you get a chance. The song is by a group called 'The Nails.'

Answer 5

Deep
but you could have left out the Blink 182 thing

Answer 6

That's really good for a song or spoken word poem. Better than a lot of the junk out there.

Answer 7

My opinion is that the last line is raunchy and I will bet your parents wouldn't be too happy if they knew you wrote something like that. Also, chidren are on this site, think carefully before you post things like that and I certainly hope you respect yourself and don't give head to anyone.

Answer 8

Pretty good, until the last 3 lines. You were talking about someone, then you're talking about bands... Stick to one topic.

Answer 9

could be a little more hardcore 4 a punk/thrash band ps. did u say u suck good or just goo

Answer 10

This is the best poem I have read on here so far! You should definitely write songs!

Answer 11

The lyrics are good. I could have done without the part of where you got your inspirations from though.