I wrote this poem and i want some feed back
~Sun Goes Out~ (Part 1)
Sun goes out
Feel all hazy
Don't know what to do?
I'm so lazy
Sun goes out,
And my world goes blank
I'm so scared
My heart just sank
Sun goes out
Feel like crying
Where do I go?
Everything around me is dying
Sun goes out
Sky is falling
Thinking of answers
Help me I'm stalling
Sun goes out
My world ends
Darkness surrounds me
Closing me in
Sun goes out
There's no one left
Where are you now?
I think to myself
Sun goes out
I detect a shadow amongst the debris
Then out from the darkness I catch sight of your face
It's such a sight for all the world to see
Sun goes out
We're all eachother has
What are we going to do?
Now that it's just me and you
Sun goes out
My life comes to an eclipse
Don't wanna leave you behind
Cause I just bagan to notice the light, to where me safe haven should reside
TO BE CONTINUED.....NEXT QUESTION SAME HEADING
2006-07-25 17:50:43 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous in Entertainment & Music ➔ Other - Entertainment
Sun goes out
Feel all hazy
Don't know what to do? (remove question mark)
I'm so lazy
Sun goes out,
And my world goes blank (remove "and")
I'm so scared
My heart just sank
Sun goes out
Feel like crying
Where do I go?
Everything around me is dying (change "everything" to "all")
Sun goes out
Sky is falling
Thinking of answers (change to "seeking the answers")
Help me I'm stalling (change to "but no one is calling")
Sun goes out
My world ends (change "My" to "thus the" or "thus my")
Darkness surrounds me
Closing me in(change to "Closes me in")
Sun goes out
There's no one left
Where are you now?
I think to myself
Sun goes out
(all lines from here down are too long)
I detect a shadow amongst the debris
(I detect a shadow)
Then out from the darkness I catch sight of your face
(Then from darkness)
It's such a sight for all the world to see
(I can sense your glow)
Sun goes out
We're all eachother has
(We find each other)
What are we going to do?
(What should we do)
Now that it's just me and you
(?)
Sun goes out
My life comes to an eclipse
(My life, an eclipse)
Don't wanna leave you behind
(My life, restored)
Cause I just bagan to notice the light, to where me safe haven should reside
(From the light of your lips)
It is a good poem, just try my suggestions. Good work!
2006-07-25 18:00:20 · answer #1 · answered by Awesome Bill 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
i liked ur poem. iget that feeling that u r abit gloomy yet hoping positively. ur inspiration comes from d sun but i suggest u not to see lifeless things in the dark as it embraces many secrets in it as well. hoping much of zeal from light as well asdarkness in ur poems sequel.
chao!
2006-07-26 01:15:44 · answer #2 · answered by tango 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think it's pretty good, but I'm not a big fan of rhyming poems. I'm more of a fan of freestyle poems.
2006-07-26 00:53:50 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's okay, but it's depressing. Funny thing, I read the question: I Need Your Onion. Lol.
2006-07-26 01:28:27 · answer #4 · answered by ChaoticChicaLovesJT 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like a "love life". Sounds good to me!
2006-07-26 01:02:57 · answer #5 · answered by leebaugh2 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's really good! i dont really like poetry, but urs is really good. Cant wait for the next one!
2006-07-26 00:56:21 · answer #6 · answered by rbdgurl87 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
OK, the first part is really good.
Waiting for the second one.
Good luck.
2006-07-26 00:52:36 · answer #7 · answered by Eternity 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is good!
Pretty meaning.
But I don't think it is poem.
You are very lucky because I am so free in this time.
2006-07-26 01:35:18 · answer #8 · answered by PiPi 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That's good.Waiting for the second part.
2006-07-26 00:57:30 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Is this about someone dying? Or about someone that wants to commit suicide? I don't know what to make of it yet?!?!?
2006-07-26 00:55:35 · answer #10 · answered by 2hot2handle 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋