Do I really have to come out?

Question

ugh, i don't want to hurt my parents and come out.. i've seen their reaction because they've seen some stuff before. i lied and said i wasn't and it was a virus or something, and they believed me, but i have never seen them so sad. it was omg. i really don't want to hurt them again.

so my question is.. do i really have to come out to them? if no, how can i live my life, have kids, and not come out? There is no way i am marrying a girl. i WILL live with my partner, even if we are just "roomates." i still have time to figure it out, but it's all so stressful! sometimes i think i am thinking out of the ordinary. it's crazy. so please help

yeah, and i am having kids some way or another,so how do i go about having kids with some girl if i'm gay? plus what would i tell my parents? "Oh, it's some girl i screwed and she got pregnant and me and my 'roomate' are taking the baby"? Hah, then they would think i was a playa lol

noo, noo, i want my kids to have a mom. they have to. how will i do that?

Answer 1

Oh you wuss!
Tell them if you want them to love you, or hide it if you want them to love something they think you are, but you are not.

Answer 2

Um, for one thing, worry about having kids when you are comfortable with your life. Gay couples have kids all the time, and it's not necessary to have one by "screwing" a girl. (Besides that, the first time might not accomplish the task). This can be done by adoption, for example.

Secondly, you don't need to come out now, but whenever you feel like you are ready. Your parents don't need to know right away, it'll just cause chaos if you come out in their home (from what you're telling us). Get out on your own first, get your relationship life going, and then bring home the right guy someday.

Most parents are open to these decisions these days, and just because they are disgusted by some of what you describe they've seen, doesn't mean that they won't be okay with it; and then again, they might not be okay with it. That is why I say personally that it's best to wait until you are on your own. They might need time to adjust.

There are many sources for advice in this. Try doing a yahoo seach on the subject, or talk to a friend who's been through the experience.

Answer 3

I am bisexual so I do not know if my answer will help you or not but I denied my sexuality so long because of a rape that occurred when I was 9. I blamed my homosexual urges on that. I denied that I was that way before the rape although now I know that I was. I can remember at 5 liking to look at pictures of both naked men and women and wanting to touch both. It was convenient for me to blame the rape on something I didn't want to be true. I didn't come out. I stayed in the closet because I was so wanting to be normal. I married thinking at least this part of my desires could be met and for a while it was enough. The desires lessened I could tolerate not fulfilling my needs for male closeness.
Now I am 40 and I realize what I denied all along was true I do desire men I want to have a relationship with a man and it is not all about sex it is about a need for intimate emotional closeness. The same kind of closeness I have for my wife. I still love her and have no desire to end my marriage but the need for male intimacy is so strong that I ache with my desire for it.
I know you are saying you will be with your roommate/lover but why live a lie. After you move out you need to just come clean with your family they will guess in a few years anyway and will feel as though you don't trust them if you do not. Adoption is a good way to go if you want to have children. I have a good life and a good family and will not be able to ever live my life fully you on the other hand have that option and need to do so.

Answer 4

I can only share my experience with you. This is not something that I looked up. It is something that I have delt with in my life.
My parents married young had two kids, by the time I was ten my father came out (Yes, my dad is gay) I don't love him any different ( he has now been with the same partner for seven years. My sister was experimenting for a while and is now married....I have two children that I will love no matter who their preference is and who makes them happy.
As a parent I gave birth to two children, knowing that they are different then me in many ways - as they grow they will probably be different in believes, thoughts,likes, dislikes, and so on and no matter what I will always love them, they are my children.
You should come out to your parents when you are ready and you feel comfortable, nothing more nothing less, if you never tell them that is your choice, however you should be able to be yourself to anyone....You really need to be true to yourself more than anything.
Think of how your partner will feel if you constantly have to hide her/him from your parents, or how you would feel if the tables were turned and you had to hide the rest of your life from your partners parents...and the two of you had children - that of course the grandparents would want to spend time with.
It may shock them if and when you tell them, but give them time to adjust to it, deal with it and keep the window to talk open...so if they have any questions which they may, you can answer.
I personally think that if your parents taught you to be who you are as a person they will love you none the less.
I have also had many friends as I grew up that were gay,by, and straight.....that is not why I was friends with them.....
good luck

Answer 5

First off, I think that you should come out to your parents, BUT you don't have to do it right away. Plus you don't have to get a girl pregnant to have a child, there is such a thing as adoption, or you could find someone who needs money and would be willing to be artifically inseminated with your sperm and carry the baby then give it up to let you have full custody at a clinic. The clinic would probably have a list of a woman interesting in doing this too.

Answer 6

Wow, I could have been asking that question myself...

For me, I'm worried about coming out to my Dad. Last time I tried, his reaction wasn't favourable, so I claimed it was a "phase" and I think it was out of site out of mind.

I also want to have kids one day. And I want them to have a mum.

First with the coming out. You don't have to. As nice as it would be to have your parents support, you don't need it. Just make sure you have plenty of friends around you, and if you need support, go to them.

A lot of parents are upset to find out their kids are gay, because they think they can never be happy, can never have kids or a family. If that is why they are upset, you might find they are open to it if you let them know that you are planning on having a family.

As for the having kids thing, there's no reason you couldn't keep the childs mother in the kids life. One way of having kids would be to find a lesbian couple who want to have kids and share custody. If you want to have the kids most of the time, you could find someone who's willing to be surrogate as well as remain a good friend of the family.

Another way is if you or your partner have a sister, then the other guy donates the sperm while his partner's sister donates the egg, that way the child is still a blood relative of both of you, while the childs mother, now aunt, is still in the childs life too. This might seem like a strange option to some people, but really it's not that odd at all, and merely offers a way of gay couples to both be related to their children.

Any way you want to have kids, it can be difficult in our society for gay men, but good luck to you. And good luck on deciding whether or not to come out to your parents. I hope it works out for you.

Answer 7

There is no reason for your parent to know until you are completely independent of them. Wait until they finish paying for college if you must.

Keep the lies to a minimum. They will make you look really stupid.

Most people will figure it out on their own. The issue with children is for you to figure out when you are mature enough and in a place in your life when parenting is a good idea.

I think that for now you should focus on your education and figuring out who you are. You are certainly more than "just gay." When you develop into a well rounded individual with a good education, you will still be gay. There is no rush. There is no rule that states YOU MUST COME OUT.

Just be yourself. A person's sex life should be a private matter.

Answer 8

You should talk to a counsellor or a doctor ... someone who has a professional background in helping people, and someone you can trust to keep your confidence.

I won't give you advice about kids, etc., but please remember this ... when a person is young, sometimes everything seems a bit confusing or overwhelming. That's why I say you should see some and get some good advice, so that you don't make decisions that you might later regret.

As for coming out, it is best that you do. It will save you from continually making lies or getting caught in situations that will eventually backfire and come back to haunt you. As hard as it is, it really is best to be honest and just accept yourself for what and who you are. But do get some professional advice. Maybe there is a support group in your area who can help you.

Good luck.

Answer 9

The one thing I'm concerned with in your post is this. You plan on having a child...do you plan to tell the mother that you are only in a relationship for the child? If so, will she agree to give up custody of the children to you? .

I know of two women who had no clue they were marrying gay men. Both men divorced their wives for another man, and it was very difficult for the women and their children. The women both felt very betrayed and angry because the men hid this issue from them. Please be open with the women on this issue, and realize that the woman may not agree to give up custody. And what if she wins the custody battle? How will you work the shared time with the kids?

Both men lost the custody battle and the kids are split between two homes with parents who are constantly fighting for custody.

Please think about this carefully before having children.

Answer 10

Dude, I would suggest waiting until your out of your parent's house and financially independent before asking yourself this question. You'll find it much easier to answer then. Until that time, no, you don't have to come out. In fact, you might be doing yourself more harm if you do. Homos who argue that everyone should come out don't mean teenagers who still live at home with their homophobic parents. If they do, they're morons and should be ignored.

Same thing with your second question. Until you're older and financially independent, you shouldn't even have to worry about it.

BY THE WAY - to those of you who think it's a great idea to come out as a teenager to homophobic parents, ask yourself why there are so many teenage runaways selling their bodies in big cities just to get by. How many of those kids told their parents and were tossed out into the street with no place to go? Idiots.

Answer 11

If you are on your own and paying your own way - come out to your folks when you are ready.

You don't have to come out to anyone. It is YOUR business. There are some people who believe that being gay is a badge that should be promoted up and down all over creation. And there are others for whom being gay is just an aspect of their personality and they prefer to be low key about it.

Leading a double life hurts. There are a few people that you may or may not need to come out to make your being on this planet easier. When you come out to at least those that matter to you - life will be a lot easier. You will be able to be your self. No more lies. If they accept it - great. If not - move on. It is not your responsibility to wave a rainbow flag and plaster pink triangles all over your body. Be who you are.

My guess is your folks had you figured out long before that disease episode. Come on! They raised you! They were out telling lies before you were born - do you think they can't figure out when someone is trying to put one over on them? They probably have been waiting for you to tell them for years.

You need to come to terms with your self. You have to play the hand you are dealt, not the one you wish you had. Read books about gays and see gay movies. Go to a gay lesbian center. You might have to switch to a religion that is more tolerant of gays.

My ex is the surrogate Dad for a lesbian couple.

I wanted my grandparents to die with out ever knowing the truth about me. They did. I kind of regret this decision now. I was to learn that they had had long discussions about this in private. How could i have been shallow enough to doubt their love for me?

My parents have known for sure now for years. I told them in my late 20's.