My husband is addicted to porn and gambling - what should I do?

Question

My husband is constantly going on-line to gamble for money and he is also going to porn sites. I don't want him going to porn sites for fear that our children might come across the content that he's viewing and also it makes me feel like crap about myself. I don't want him gambling because he spends too much money. This is taking a serious toll on our marriage and I want to leave him because of it but we have kids so that's what is holding me back. I am always mad at him and never want to have sex with him because I'm mad at him all the time. I don't know what the right thing to do is. We've been together for 17 years. He keeps telling me that he would stop if I showed him more affection. I don't think that it has to do with me showing him affection. I just think that he has two very intense addictions that he can't stop. I feel like life is too short to be unhappy all of the time so maybe the right thing to do is just move on.

Answer 1

You need to get into counciling as to why he has turned in this direction. It sounds like a mid-life crisis, but you have to do something; otherwise, it might be time to leave for your own sanity and that of the children.

Answer 2

Bull crap he would stop if you showed him more affection! That is nothing but a lame cop out and he's doing nothing but trying to put the blame on someone else because he isn't man enough to admit to his problems. This is a horrible environment in which to raise children..ask yourself what they are learning about love and relationships from watching all this, and trust me they know more than you think they do. This guy needs to shape up or ship out NOW. He needs to take responsibility for his own issues and deal with them then he needs to start getting his priorities straight, he has a wife and kids for pitys sake and if he was any good at either of those he wouldn't have time for porn and gambling the families money away! I'd give him a week to straighten up or get out, no more games and no more warnings. Tell him you will be affectionate when starts being someone worthy of affection cause right now he's not worthy of being spit on let alone loved. That should fix him and if it doesn't don't let the door hit him in the A$$ on his way to the poor house, but don't let him drag you and the kids there with him. Dare him to go find another woman that will be all over him while he's wasting money and time gambling and watch porn, it won't happen! Good luck to you and stick to your guns!

Answer 3

You answered your own question. If he can admit he has a problem and get help, you may have a chance. Otherwise, tell him what you said in here verbatum. Don't let fear of the unknown stop you from giving your kids the secure and decent enviroment they need. I know that sounds like a contradiction, adding divorce or separation, but what if the bills don't get paid? You could lose your home, your car, have the utilities shut off, the list goes on and on.
You can also purchase blocking software to prevent him from going to these sites. Sure, he'll yell and scream and carry on for a while. But things will cool down after a bit. You can also start pouring on the love and attention during this time, and be patient with him. If he loves you, he'll eventually remember why. These are real addictions. Same as drugs. It takes time. Good luck

Answer 4

I've had similar issues in MY OWN life... embarassing as it is to say. PHEW** this is anonymous right??? :D Ok... here is what my deal was... low self esteem, and boredom. I figured it out. The online poker thing for me was about convenience. I wanted to be entertained when I WANTED, not when someone else's schedule had time for me, or when the movie I wanted to watch was playing at the theater. The best thing you can do is find out what hobbies he truly enjoys...and PUSH him to do them. I mean... allow him to spend a little bit more money on something than you might typically allow. If he likes shooting pool, allow him to get a pool table. ALLOW him to find other reasonable outlets for his time. The porn thing... thats a bit tougher. I will admit that a lack of intimacy between you two might be part of the reason for this. I was going through a very difficult time with a gf at the time of my *shudders* "addiction to porn". When my sex life picked up, and I became more satisfied, I stopped. This is my suggestion for the porn thing. If he claims he needs more attention from you. Ask him what he wants from you. I know it sounds like some sort of contract.... haha but give it a shot if it seems reasonable. He obviously has already told you what he thinks is the problem... thats a good first step. Follow it up with some action on your end.

Answer 5

Try to get him to go to couples counseling about the porn. He needs to join Gambler's Anonymous to break his gambling habit. Surely he can see how he is hurting you. Maybe you should deliver an ultimatum. He has an addictive personality.

Answer 6

1.) What's right to you could be wrong to someone else.
2.)What's living to some, is preperation for death to other's.
3.)What begin's in happiness, Should also be open-mindedly inticipated to encounter moments of sadness, (remember) For bettet or worse.
4.)Without fault,Think about it.
*No feeling for sex.
*wasting money.
*Insecure feeling's, maybe his addiction assist you mentally in reacting to something that you've been surpressing for so very long.
Then again, maybe It's just time that you just totally saclude yourself & did some real mind,heart & soul searching. Even if you don't leave, at least you would have come to some conclusion's, & maybe you would have reached some feeling of peace. After all he's accountable for his own action's.

Answer 7

in my opinion i think you should try the affection thing despite being angry. i know thats hard but in order to do that you have to put your mind back to when things were romantic, hot and sexy, when you really cared about him. However if you try your hardest on that and it still doesnt work then you need to suggest to him counseling and if he doesnt want to compromise then you are seriously going to think about leaving him despite the fact that you have kids. Yes they need there dad but if you guys stay together in this turmoil then your kids will see it and they will grow up thinking that thats how relationships are supposed to be. thats why so many relationships are like they are because people grow up to be how they are programmed when they are younger. you need to do whats best for you and what makes you happy, life is too short. another tid bit is that if your husband is looking at porn then he might want you to be an affectionate freak. Maybe suggest to him that you want to try things a little different in the bedroom or maybe have a little spontanaeity, Again i know its hard but like i said put your mind and crotch in a happy place. Good luck and remember do whats best for you now matter how much it hurts, because it will be difficult.

Answer 8

First of all this is in no way your fault and even if you were more affectionate it doesn't change the fact he has two serious addictions that are putting your family in jeopardy.
If he can't or won't seek the help he needs it maybe best to leave him. I know that's hard to hear but it's the God's honest truth.

Answer 9

I would sit him down and tell him the truth. Tell him that if he doesn't seek help (let him know that you are willing to go with him to counciling) that your going to have to leave. You have to do what is best for you and the children, in the long run it could be more harmful to them if you stay if he doesn't get help. A friend of mine had a similar problem, they lost their home twice because of his gambling. She talked in private to his doctor who then with her and the children talked to him. Good luck

Answer 10

He is bored. Why are you not listening to him. He already gave you the answer, yet you are in denial. Addictions usually arise when there is something missing. Go on his porn sites, and learn a few things.