What do you think of my poem?

Question

My heart buzzes,
My mind is strangely calm.

If I could stay in your arms forever,
I would without doubt.

That you love me,
As I do you.

Arms of strength, of love, of securtiy,
They make me feel wonderful.

This feeling is new to me,
As it is for you.

We need to begin this road together,
Arm in arm, hearts one.

If this embrace could last,
I would make it last forever and keep it in me after forever ends.

I look in your eyes,
So loving and intense...

And feel it.
Love. The word feels right.

Sweet embrace ends,
Our bodies pull away.

Love still lingers,
Just with the ache of lonliness.

I want to return to you,
So badly it stings.

Magical moments of love don't last forever...
Oh, I wish they could.

Answer 1

Very sweet. You're in love.

Answer 2

You have tried, and that's a big first step. Enjoyment of poetry is very subjective, as you can see by the varied comments.

If you continue to write poetry, and I encourage you to do so, one day you will look back on this poem and see it as simplistic and poorly written. That happens to all writers, whether they write prose or poetry. It's not something to be ashamed of.

What I'm saying is you will improve with practice. Read lots of other poetry and you'll see the difference between the best and the rest (see a quite good example above).

Don't copy others styles but find what you want to say and say it in the least number of words, with the most wisdom and the most beauty you can find (a good trick is to write in simple english, then use a thesaurus to find alternative words - everyone is gonna hate me for saying that but published writers do it all the time).

Then you'll be a good poet (but never be surprised when some people STILL hate your work). Like I said, it's a very subjective medium.

Keep writing!

Answer 3

It feels cheesy and contrived, very immature, like the people in love are 14 years old. And then it just makes me feel gross to think about two 14 year olds who think they're in love. Eeeww.

I think it would benefit from some thoughtful imagery and metaphors. Also, some attention to the rhythm of the lines and including some alliteration and rhyming. Give the words some movement - they're very stagnant.

For comparisson, read your poem aloud and then read one of Emily Dickinson's love poems while paying attention not only to the words, but to the rythm of the lines. Example:
http://www.bartleby.com/113/3052.html

HE touched me, so I live to know
That such a day, permitted so,
I groped upon his breast.
It was a boundless place to me,
And silenced, as the awful sea
Puts minor streams to rest.

And now, I ’m different from before,
As if I breathed superior air,
Or brushed a royal gown;
My feet, too, that had wandered so,
My gypsy face transfigured now
To tenderer renown.

Answer 4

I know exactly what ur saying.U were in a relationship and u really wished it lasted but it didn`t.=(At first u were in luv and happy,now u feel lonely and empty inside.Since that relation ended it stings ur heart and life.I see right now u must be heart broken.You really want to get back to that person but u can`t so u wrote this poem.Sorry about what happened.Peace!luv the poem.

Answer 5

Sweet lovely poem, it warmed my heart, until the ending. The ending was bittersweet, it was like sipping sugar and then sipping salt next. Great though.

Answer 6

Very brave of you to allow others to read and perhaps criticize.
It was very sweet. and I agree that moving "If this embrace could last, . . . would be nicest at the end.
Thank you for your thoughts.

Answer 7

You asked, and what Katie and Sugarpine both wrote is near-exactly what I'm thinking, but I like the way it was put, by Ke Su.

Answer 8

I dont like it. Its a personal moment you shared with someone, not something everyone can relate to. It is only special to you and the person you wrote it to, they shared that moment with you.

Answer 9

your line that starts "if this embrace could last...." I would put near the end...very well done, love is bittersweet

Answer 10

It is too simplistic, too juvenile....... sorry. Just being honest.

I guess I can forget about getting 10 points from you. Bummer.

Answer 11

Sounds true