I am in a marriage with a very mentaly abusive alcoholic husband?

Question

I have wanted to leave for almost three years now, but with two beautiful small daughters I dont know how I can afford it. Cannot live on child support alone. I am scared, have never lived on my own before. My husband in our 15 years of marriage has never allowed me to work, because of lack of experience, I am having such a hard time finding anyone to just hire me and give me a chance. Is there any where on the internet I can find help with trying to find affordable housing, I tryed public aid, the waiting list is 4 years, I just cannot do this another 4 years. I think half the reason he treats me this way is cause he figures I can never afford to leave him anyway. I am so unhappy and starting to get depressed...how do women start over, find jobs? I do not know where to begin. I could probably make it if I did not have children, but I cannot ever give them up. How do I give them a good life? Any input would be so helpful. Thankyou

Answer 1

Get a divorce. Seek Legal Aid . Get an injunction to stop him from coming near you.

Answer 2

I am so sorry you are going through this right now. You have made the first step though. You asked how you could give your girls "a good life". You can begin by leaving. All the toys and nice clothes in the world will not erase the abuse passed down by your husband. They don't want those things. They want you. Everything else will fall into place.

You didn't mention where you live, so I'm speaking in generalities right now. There should be women's shelter's in your area. Most of them will take women with children. They can offer training and can assist you in getting a job. They will also offer childcare for your girls while you are in school or at work. Most of these places have maximum stays, but they will not put you back on the street. It sounds like this is your best bet. Decide to do it today and then do it. Don't continue to question yourself. Your husband has had fifteen years to make you doubt yourself...please prove him wrong and show your girls what kind of woman you are. God bless you, and please know that you will be ok...

Answer 3

In most places, there are shelters for women - at least a safe harbour for a while. I think the first thing is safety. If you are really afraid of your husband he's abusive and drunk as you say - the most important thing is to find such a place and get your kids into safety (as well as yourself). You are stronger than you think and are capable of doing anything you want. I raised my kids without a penny from anyone and turned out to be awesome, successful human beings. The environment the kids are in is very detrimental to their life. Love is most important - don't worry about the $$. God opens a window. People afraid to leave never know what they are able to accomplish. I look back on those years and wonder how I did it - but I did. If you dump half the problem - you can deal with the other half - at least it's YOUR problem and not someone else's you have to deal with.

Answer 4

GET OUT! IM Sorry I didn't read your whole question. It doesn't matter how long you have been with him. People like that will suck the life out of you, until you get to the point where you dont know anything about yourself. Children that grow-up seeing abuse are more likely to grow up to abuse or be abused. Set a better example for your children. Your girls will think that's how a man is supposed to treat a women and your boys will think that's how they are supposed to act. Do you want that? If not seriously get help.
Good Luck

re-read. If you live in a large city like NY there are plenty of organizations that can help. If not, I don't know.
--Start by saving up every single penny you have. (even if you have to steal $2 from him everyday.) EVERY penny.
--Hide it from him, sperate account or have a close friend or family member hold it. (make sure its someone you can trust).
If you can find a place to stay for a couple of months go there after you have some money saved.
--Find work Anywhere! Try Temp agencies for clerical work. Don't bypass places like Target, Walmart, and Home Depot. ohhh and good luck.

Answer 5

Well, first of all, I am a recovering alcoholic, so I know the situation. I can only say this, while it may be quite a struggle for you at first, NOTHING would be better for you and your children then getting out of that situation. Until your husband realizes he has a problem, and does something about it, it will only get worse. I don't know what state you live in, but there are community action agencies as well as shelters for women and children. It may sound rough, but just think of what you are going through, and multiply that exponentially, and that is what it'sm doing to your kids. The Police will surely point you in the right direction. I wish you the very best of luck!

Answer 6

My dad was a mentally abusive alcoholic. You have to get out of there. You can't keep giving him chances and feeling sorry for him. It doesn't matter where you go, and your daughters may not understand now, but when they get older, they will thank you. My mom had a hard time trying to move out too. She had an ok job. The problem was that all the apartments in our town were either subsidized (and she made too much for us to live there) or the rent was $950, so she didn't make enough for us to live there. She bought a trailer house and a plot of land and we struggled. I was little then, but I remember how badly we struggled. We had peanut butter sanwiches, macaroni and cheese or ramen noodles, that was about it. Subsidized apartments are easy to come by, granted they aren't that much cheaper. Go to careerbuilder.com and try to find the best job that you can. Get help from your family if you can. Also, if your husband is anything like my dad, don't expect child support. He quit his job so that he didn't have to pay it and worked for cash at his own garage. Then he quit drinking for 3 years, asked my mom to marry him again (so that she would drop the 10,000 he owed in child support) and now they are divorced again. But she just met a new guy and he's really great to her. It's not out of your reach. God will make a path for you when the time is right. When my mom left the second time, we were having such a hard time finding a place to live, then, the lady that was living in my great grandmother's cottage passed away and my mom bought her grandma's house. That sounded a little morbid, sorry, but good luck to you.

Answer 7

First off I am a recovering alky of over 20 years so I know what I am talking about. Second and I don't mean to offend but what I just read was nothing but excuses! Take action if he is abusive and drinking he is dangerous! You need out NOW! There are groups that WILL help you if you look. Listen I have talked to many people like you you want things fixed they wont! If you want things fixed that wont happen least not by you! This isn't your fault but it is your problem! If your any kind of Mother you will get yourself and your children out! If your worried get Police to be there when you leave. Tell your husband he needs help and you cant help him. If he gets help then maybe theres a chance for your family if not then get out before someone dies!!

Answer 8

get out of there. for every abuser there is an enabler. you probably make excuses for him.

Reality check -- do you want your daughters to pick husbands like their Father? They will -- you are their female role model.

Step one - find a hot line, call get a list of resources. In NJ where I live there are plenty of places that provide shelter to women and children in these situations.
Step two - let the machinery take over, You are trying to find to many solutions at once (so you end up feeling overwhelmed).These shelters will help you rebuild your life and provide your daughters with a good role model. It won't happen overnight.

Whatever you do don't go back to him; he'll make you tell where you were.
Next time he hits you call the police so they have a record of the abuse and he won't be able to seek custody. Sign a complaint against him for terroristic threats.

Get together some things you will need for yourself and the kids. Pack a bag and keep it in a secret hiding place.
When it's time to go. You just go.

Put your lives in the hands of people who want to help you not in the hands of one who wants to abuse and control you.

Answer 9

Wal mart and sub sandwitch and places like that require no education and have openings constantly. Move to an area where you can afford to live on what you can make.
You cannot live on minumum wage in say east coast or west coast. But down here in Oklahoma we do it all the time.
Has cheep housing and many single women move here because it is the only way they can afford to live. The mobil home park rents for $85. month.Within walking distance of town in McAlester OK there is plenty of jobs and you can buy a used mobil home for around 10,000. or sometimes 100. mth.
eventually you would own it. where else can you get a place to live for under 200. month the court is full of divorced women with children who help each other. Widows who were left with very little or nothing. Many from New york or California who came here because they couldn't afford to live in those areas. mild winters and mild summers.

Answer 10

Get out while you can! The last thing I'm sure you want is for those beautiful little girls to be harmed. Is there a shelter in your area that you can get in touch with? They probably have plenty of resources for women in your situation. Your husband has spent your whole marriage protecting his bounty by making you feel locked in like you do. You need to get out. You need to break his power over you. Go to the police and tell them what is happening in your home. Do anything you can to get his abuse on record. Are there any relatives that you could stay with? There's a point where life has to come before your dignity/pride. Apply at local fast food places. Apply to work ANYWHERE you can.

I'm going to leave you with a list of websites to dig through.

http://www.feminist.org/911/crisis.html
http://www.mysistersplacedc.org/resources.asp
http://www.safe4all.org/resource-list/index?category=2
http://www.ndvh.org/

I wish you the best of luck in your time of crisis. Protect yourself and your children. You'll pull through, even if times are hard for a while. Just have faith.

Answer 11

I also had to do this. No you can't live on child support alone. You will most likely have to rely on public assistance. Call or visit(if possible) your local office. Explain the situation, yes, in full. I KNOW it's hard, but they can help you. They can also put you in touch with other agencies that will be able to help you. I tolerated a relationship like that (also extreme physical abuse) for 7 years. For the kids. It took me so long to be able to realize that, even if you can't rescue yourself, you have to do this for your kids. My mistake was in allowing him to stay in my life for 3 years after I had moved out. (I was terrified of this man!) It ended rather badly, he is now in jail for stalking and harrassing me and also attempting to break down my door. I wish he would be there forever, because those charges don't even begin to cover what he put me through for 10 years.
Back to my point...sorry about that!...Leave any way you can. Alternatively you need to realize that you CAN make HIM leave. Just be sure to change the locks.How can you? Call your local police, they will be able to hook you up with the legal and moral support you may need. They may not be able to do it but they can tell you who can.
That's how I managed, I didn't know where to start or who to turn to so I started with the premise that if the agency I contact can't do it-they WILL know who can.
Good luck.