I just found out this last March that my husband has been cheating on me. I have letters and pictures and I had a divorce ready to serve him with when he got here. He has been working in Iraq since Jan. 2005. When he came home this July he decided he wanted to reconcile. We have two small children and I love him with all of my heart and soul. He was my first everything and I gave myself to him. We are high school sweethearts so you can imagine how devastated I am. But I have some issues with all of this still. I feel like he is still not being honest with me. I have no proof that the relationship with her is over. And I mean relationship, he took her to Italy at Christmas instead of coming back to the states to spend with me and the children. And I hate him for what he has done and I hate her even more. Supposedly this same thing happened to her and yet she did it to me. I am a Christian and I know these feelings are normal and acceptable but they feel so wrong. Help!
2006-07-25 13:50:00 · 12 answers · asked by vvvlambert 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I'm so sorry - this must really be devastating to you. Especially if you reflect on the holidays, when families are supposed to be together, that he would choose to make other plans. I recruit for KBR, and every day I ask myself how people can handle leaving loved ones behind for all that time, and how much trust it must take for their wives to let them go.
When he comes home for good, it seems that you would need to have a huge heart to heart talk. It would take an amazing amount of faith and trust to get beyond this. And do NOT let him make any of this out to be your fault. He chose another woman over not only you, but his children. Hating the woman really doesn't help - it's not like she forced him into a relationship. It's always a 2-way street.
I do wish you the best, please keep your chin up.
2006-07-25 14:00:01 · answer #1 · answered by beadtheway 4 · 5⤊ 0⤋
Wow I'd have a lot of hate too! I think you guys need to go to therapy together, you need to yell at him and tell him you HATE him for what he did. Seriously! Think though, do you hate him, or do you hate what he did? He cannot take back what he did, but if you still love him then I think one day you can find room in your heart for forgiveness. But if this has made you actually hate him, and you are now disgusted by him, then I don't know where you can go from there.
I think a good exercise might be to imagine if he had died and then you found out about the affair. I think you'd find a way and some space in your heart to forgive him for that since he was now dead and you can really put things in a proper perspective when something really seriously horrible happens. I'm not saying that this isn't HORRIBLE! but his dying would be worse than an affair such that you could forgive the affair. It's just a thought. You also need to let him really put forth the effort to want to reconcile. It's not use for you to do all of the work, work which he has forced upon you, if his heart isn't fully in it anyway.
Good luck!
2006-07-25 13:57:38 · answer #2 · answered by Stephanie S 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I completely empathize with you. Nothing can hurt worse than deception of this kind. But there are a few key elements here that you need to focus on. First, he wishes to reconcile. This must mean that you are more important than some floozy that could have been nothing more than a massive mistake. Second, you have 2 small children. One needs to understand that children bear the blunt of parents mistakes. They will be affected forever, be it birthdays with only one parent or step-parents they don't like, etc. Thirdly, you recognize that you love him with all of your heart. You have the right to hate her and you are right not to trust him at this point. Remember, you didn't do anything wrong so you are in control now. You can demand whatever you like from him. If he loves you he will meet those demands. Ask for proof that the relationship with her is finished. Ask for explanations. Tell him upfront that emotionally you are wounded. If he wants you back, give him the chance to earn your trust again. The road will be long but well worth the trip.
2006-07-25 14:09:51 · answer #3 · answered by Kauser M 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Honey-
I'd tell him to walk! That's NOT the way for a husband to act. Especially the fact he neglected his wife and children on such an important holiday such as Christmas to take some woman to Italy. And she's a whore for coming inbetween a husband and a wife, let alone the family you two have. There are much better men out there. And it's not up to him to reconcile, he's the one at fault! I'd tell him he dug his own grave once he decided to go off with her.
Good Luck! Stay Strong
2006-07-25 14:53:37 · answer #4 · answered by honeybaby729 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No one would blame you for getting a divorce. He was unfaithful to you and to your kids. (ITALY vs HOME at Christmas, that is terrible!)
No one can tell you how to feel about this.
You need to find someone to LISTEN to you. A couselor or your pastor or whomever. Just someone that will listen to you while you talk about how you feel about your husband, his affair, the other woman, everything.
According to your faith, holding onto the hate and anger are wrong, not having them. Eventually, we are supposed to 'forgive and forget,' but based on the amount of hurt, that is going to take some time.
God knows we are not perfect beings, and I don't think God expects us to forgive immediately.
When this happened to me (also married to my high school sweetheart), I demanded proof that the relationship was over and it took me years to trust him enough not hound him whenever he worked away from home.
This is still very fresh. And it is harder b/c he works out of the country.
You just have to decide how hard you want to work to save your marriage.
If you honestly don't feel like you can forgive him and trust him again, no one is going to blame you for divorcing him.
If he wants to save your marriage, I really think he should look into finding work that would allow him to stay stateside more.
As an example, my husband put in for a transfer and we left the town we lived in so we could put distance between 'her' and our family. He really wanted to save our marriage.
Want to know what brought him around? I started moving on. When he saw that I was really going to live my life without him, HE started making changes. He still made 'mistakes,' on some of his changes (had a couple of lifestyle changes he had to make) but the thing that spoke to me the most was the relocation.
2006-07-25 14:06:51 · answer #5 · answered by ? 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Don't stay with him for the children. No matter how much you love someone, the trust has been broken. I am not so sure trust can be rebuilt. Trust is the underlying base in a marriage. Trust is above love, if ya can't trust, love cannot be there. Hard call... but it is your call. As for me, no matter how much it hurt, I would not be able to stay. I can deal with anything in a spouse but for cheating and violence. No good to live with distrust.
2006-07-25 14:33:29 · answer #6 · answered by tootsie45414 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Unless you change your life, your anger will stay. If your husband is not being faithful, you should confront him about it, and let him know what the consequences are for his cheating. I don't think you should stay any longer if he's being dishonest to you. I know you love him, but it's going to be 'negative love.' You'll never get over your anger and suffering if you let this type of relationship to continue.
2006-07-25 14:34:03 · answer #7 · answered by the_memory_of_ashes 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He betrayed your trust.. It takes a long time to get someones trust back... If you two can not work this out together then you need to get some counseling
2006-07-25 16:57:35 · answer #8 · answered by cinsaint1 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Emotions are a mutha! Cheating ain't nothing to smile about, get it out in the open and let him know that slipping up once can be overlooked...... but F*CKING up twice will get him f*cked up!
2006-07-25 16:42:50 · answer #9 · answered by shawnthavirgo 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You cant trust him that is the basis of a relationship
Good Luck to you and God Bless!!
2006-07-25 13:58:53 · answer #10 · answered by msqtech 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋