what do you think of this poem that i wrote? i'm thinking that it is rather lame, but i just don't know...?

Question

BE HONEST.

Diluted tears flow down the drain,
Visons of you,
They cloud my brain.
How could you leave?
I can’t believe,
That you would
Just. Go.
How could you be so low?
Low as to leave me,
Tho I said “please believe me”
When I said it won’t last forever.
But you just acted like
We were never together.
At all.
And you just watched me fall.
Fall into myself,
Fall into the walls I built around me,
So boys like you could never find me.
And I watched as you walked away,
Thinking that every princess has her day
Where her white knight will come and find her
Knocking down the walls beside her.
Telling her that things are going to be okay.
And so I wait here,
With my world crashing down around me;

Waiting for that day.

Answer 1

its o.k . don't give up

Answer 2

I enjoyed a lot of the meter and the rhyme and much of the unfolding story.

I don't understand some of the line breaks, especially line 14 (At all.)

"Brain" is too clinical.

Why are the tears diluted?

I have no idea about what the narrator wants the boyfriend to "believe."

I am not sure what it was that was not supposed to "last forever". If the relationship was not meant to last forever, I am unclear about why the narrator is so distressed.

The line, "how could you be so low" would make more sense after the narrator points out that the boyfriend acted like they were never together." Otherwise, it just sounds like an empty accusation.

I don't see why you spell "though" as "tho". Taking that license is a little abusive of the reader.

"Where her knight will come..." should probably be "When her knight will come...".

First you say that the walls are around you, then you say that they are beside you. This causes confusion.

Where is the "here" in which the narrator waits? I think you could take out the "here."

There is nothing in the poem that really leads me to the conclusion, the narrators whole world is crashing down. I'd also point out that the idea of the world crashing down conceptually contradicts the metaphor of walls crashing down earlier in the poem. The narrator portrays walls crashing down as a good thing. World crashing down, however, is clearly a bad things. So, we have lost of crashing down, but some of it would be good and some of it is bad.

I am not sure what the last line adds. Looks tacked on.

Answer 3

Mmm... the rhyme scheme is ok, but I suggest that you either make the rhyming more clever, or just drop it totally.

This is very much more spoken word than a poem, and that's cool.

The poem itself it full of emotion, sorrow, and hurt, and you convey that very well.

I would keep working at it. Poems are ever-evolving. I took a poetry class with a teacher who was published, and brought her book, "Last Chance for the Tarzan Holler" to class. She said that even though the poems are published and in print, there are things about some of the poems that she wished she could go back and change because a poem is never finished.

Keep working on it... but remember, your poetry is for you, it is your outlet. I realized a long time ago that I liked my poetry more than anyone. Other people thought that I was clever, or was good at writing, but no one would ever know or understand how good that poem was because they are not ME.

Remember that.

Answer 4

its really really nice but what do u think of this one, my freind wrote it.......

YOU...
No words I write can ever say
How much I miss you every day
As time goes by the loneliness grows,
How I miss you nobody knows
I think of you in silence
I often speak your name.
But all I have are memories
And a picture in a frame
No one knows my sorrow
No one sees me weep
But the love I have for you
Is in my heart, and mine to keep.
I never stopped loving you
I don't think I ever will.
Deep inside my heart
You are with me still.
Heartaches in this world are many
But mine is worse than any.
My heart still aches, as I whisper low:
I need you and I miss you so
I also know that you are not mine
So my love to you don't worth a dime
I'm saying this because I care:
Love hurts a lot, so, please, beware
Don't let her hurt the way I do
The reason for my pain is you
My heart is broken, all apart, again
But I'll get over you, and will treat you like a friend.
I'm strong; we both know it, right?
Sometime in this life I'll find my light.
I'll forget all good that we had
I'll only remember the things that were bad.
You shouldn’t have probably read this, you know.
It's just that right now I am feeling THAT low.
But, please, don't let it bother you in any way –
Look into her eyes, and take her blues away.
By doing that you'll make my day.
Love her the way you loved me, even more.
I'm giving you back the piece of your heart that I tore.
But from tears because of you my eyes are sore.

I'm thanking you for being honest, though.
And all the dreams & memories are ours now to throw.
But I just wanted you to know
That now I HAVE TO let you go.

Answer 5

Your poem was a bit sad and a bit immature but it was not entirely bad. You're truely talented.
Continue to write and one day you could be as good as Maya angelou or any other good poets of this era.

as the saying goes
You must creep before you walk

With time you will improve

Answer 6

I like it. It has a good solid meter..and some interesting imagery. Have you tried to put up some poetry at Deviantart.com
You can get community feed back there from other artists like yourself and store your poetry all in one place.

as for this poem I really like the lines "so boys like you could never find me, and I watched as you walked away"

Its very poignant..

Answer 7

It's getting there...

Things to remeber when writting poems:
Imagery is EVERYTHING. You are litterally painting a picutre with your words. Try to assosiate things with something opposite of it.

Try not to use words to many times. Falling is used over and over. Try using something diffrent, like drowning or sinking everyonc ein a while.

Finnaly: rhyming isn't everything. Also try matching the number of syllabuls; it keeps a scence of orginization without seeming so blatened.

Answer 8

honestly, it isn't too, bad... you need to choose better words and use appropriate syllables to keep the flow of rythem smooth... you clunker certain lines that rhyme with other, more simple ones... write a couple drafts and you may want to try to write in quatrains instead since they're easier to organize... in addition, use more symbols, metaphores and soliloquies to add texture to it and give it more trivial value... if we can trully understand and FEEL EXACTLY HOW MUCH YOU HURT through this poem, IT ISN'T VERY GOOD!!!

Answer 9

its good. like a begining of a small book laying in a puddle found only by those who can take the road of deep sorrow but will find light at the end waiting just for them!!! keep writing

Answer 10

I thought it was great. I am impressed by the content and the poem itself. I am always impressed when someone can rhyme words like that. I can only do poems that don't rhyme. You did a great job.

Answer 11

Things are going to be okay. It's a beautiful poem. I hear your heart song. I'm sorry you found such a louse. Connect at my 360 and we'll be friends. I'm new in town.