Child abuse, Dad dosent get it, What to say to him..?

Question

My dads father sexually abused me when i was 6 and it just came out now after it happened to my sister . My dad acts like he dosent give a crap he brings out the "forgiveness"right from the start . He still treats him the same... I didnt want him to never talk to his dad again but he barely blinked an eye. I just wish he would of stood up for me. Then i find out my grandma is talking about me to my little sister saying it was my fault grandpa did this to me. He still tells me that he would like me to see him.

Child services know and said i should talk to him when its my time. Moms supportive.

Forgot to mention i am seeing them again my grandparents...after 3 years when this all came out Only reason im seeing them again is because they bought me a car..real nice right? well now they are talking smack such as above. COOL HUH! :(

Answer 1

Um, where's your mom?

You need to talk to an adult outside your family about this. Grandpa should be in jail, and your Grandma and Dad probably should be too for allowing this to happen.

This was NOT your fault.

Answer 2

Im sorry that happened to you...

First i'v been threw the similer thing, My dad never acepted it.. he could not look me straight in the eye or even look at me at all.. That hurt me alot, but i had to look also at it from his point of view, i know the bad thing happened to me and not my dad, but my dad also had feelings .. i learned that alought my dad put on such a brave face, and pretended nothng happened, he did hurt inside, but he went through a stage of wantin everything to be normal again.

So try and have a little look at it from your dads view, or talk to him.. and be really open with him tell him how you feel about him talkin to your grandpa.. knowing such a thing has happened to you.. Maybe hes just trying to pretend it didn't happen but he should also be comforting you, i do hope you have someone thats giving you an ear and a sholder..

Have you reported this to the police?? I know he is your grandpa and you might not want to screw the family up, but also think of it another way, what say in a few years time he does it again to another family member?? That aint fair.. people who do bad things like this should be sentenced to a life time in hell... and even though you are older now it does not matter you can still take this to the police, i waited 6 years to talk mine to the police.. and he got sentince.. Please don't let him away with it.

As for your grandma, that is not a nice thing to say about you, because you where a young child you did not know right from wrong, you probably thought this was his way of showing you he loved you... thought this is what some adults do to kids.. She is so wrong mixing stroys in with your sister, and your sister should also stand up for you and not go and see your grandma and grandpa... God what is the world coming to..

Please try and talk to your dad and good luck :) i hope this helped you.

Answer 3

OMG. you have been dealt such a rotten hand so far in life. I'll first repeat what everyone else has said - it's not your fault. that can sound cliched but really stop to think about it logically. what could you have possibly done to deserve such treatment. I work with criminals and I assure you - no-one deserves that or can be blamed for being abused (hence it being called ABUSE). you must also remember that your family all have issues surrounding this awful situation. your Grandma has been married to this guy for ages and she probably feels disgusted, betrayed and its not uncommon for the spouse of an abuser to actually feel jealous. your dad and your grandma may also be feeling guilty that they might have been able to stop it and didn't. to be honest, the best adivce I have is to not discuss your feelings with your family (except maybe your mom and sister). your family are not in a position to be open minded and objective about your experience. but you really do not have to see your grand father ever if you do not want to and don not concern yourself with how that will make your family feel or how awkward it might make others feel. the reason they want you to talk and visit etc, is because it will paper over the cracks and they can pretend that nothing has happended. for if they acknowledge that you shouldn't see him, they'll have to acknowlegde what he's done and that it hard core.

i think you are being very reasonable and to be honest i don't know I would be ok with my dad still seeing his dad if that had happened to me.

family politics are hard enough in 'normal' families, but are extremely tricky in cases like yours. I think you should be very proud of yourself and give yourself a huge pat on the back for being so brave

good luck

Answer 4

Your dad is probably ashamed and embarrassed by what has happened and at the moment is in denial. he cannot accept that the man he has looked up to is not the man he thought he was. It seems like your gran is having the same feelings, she has probably kinown what has gone on but hoped that it would go away without saying anything or that it would not happen again.
Years ago it was all swept under the carpet and it wasn't talked about in families that is why so many children were abused and nothing was done about it.

Talk to someone, there are several organisation out there that can give you counselling. remember IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME..IT IS YOUR GRANDAD WITH THE PROBLEM NOT YOU. keep saying this to yourself and believe it.
Do not see him if you don't want, explain to your dad that you don't want to see him and that it would be unfair of him to make you under the circumstances. Talk gently to your sister see if you could get her counselling, tell her it is not her fault and not yours either.

Good luck. my thoughts are with you.

Answer 5

Your father and grandmother are frightened and not dealing with the sexual abuse issue--instead they are hoping to minimize it or deny it. Actually, they are protecting themselves from feeling the reality of the situation--and the anger and hurt that go with it. It isn't right, it isn't fair. But it is common--you are not alone.

You need to know that sexual abuse is always the responsibility of the offender. Period. it is not, nor was it ever, your fault.

No one can force you to forgive. In sexual abuse, choice is taken away from you. You DO have choices, however, about how you respond to what has happened to you.

Take good care of yourself.

Has your grandfather... (these can help you in the forgiveness process)
1) asked for your forgiveness
2) made amends to you
3) attended treatment for his offending behaviors

Turn it over to the Lord. God can hold anger and anguish that is just too devastating for us--and can hold onto all of this for you. God is protecting enough and safe enough to handle what we cannot.

You might tell your father that you need him to understand the pain and anguish that you feel--that while he couldn't protect you from the sexual abuse then, he has an opportunity to help you now. It might be helpful to attend a counseling session together.

Answer 6

Your father is in denial. He obviously cannot deal with the situation, this must all be very painful for you, adding to the trauma you have suffered. Your father must have incredibly conflicting emotions going on right now, and for whatever reason, cannot bring himself to deal with him. Is it possible his dad also abused him? In which case the denial would be a form of self-protection. The important thing here that I notice, is that although your grandmother is blaming you for what her husband did to you, which is disgusting, no one is saying they don't believe you, which is often the case in families where sexual abuse has occurred. I say this not as a way of offering cold comfort, but because it makes me wonder if your grandmother knows more about it than she is letting on, that she either knew about the abuse, or knew your grandfather has done this before, possibly even to her own son. There are so many issues in your tale, and the whole situation could benefit from some family therapy, however, this may be unlikely at the present time. So, the important thing is that you and your sister get the therapy you need. Child abuse wrecks lives. It can come back to haunt you for many years, which is why I say it is important that you get some counselling, your sister too. It is also vital that you find a supportive adult that can reaffirm to both your sister and you that this in no way WHATSOEVER is either your or your sister's fault. You must work hard to believe this too. Your grandfather has behaved disgustingly, you, and your sister were little, defenceless, innocent children,and he abused his position in the most abhorent manner. You say your mother is supportive and that Child Protection is aware of the situation. Can they not get together and not only ensure that you and your sister receive the care you so need as well as ensure this man is never left alone with a child again?

Yes forgiveness is a wonderful thing, if only because by forgiving someone we are able to let go of all the pain and bitterness we carried against them for their sin, however, this is such a complex issue on so many levels. To forgive, sometimes we have to put ourselves in the shoes of the person we are forgiving, and in cases of sexual abuse, this is pretty much impossible to do. Let your father forgive him if he so choses, though I still think it is the more likely case that your father, for whatever reasons, cannot deal with it all and is in denial. For that matter, so is your grandmother. Sometimes, when we know we are at fault over issues, we go into denial. It is a form of self protection, but is actually quite harmful. Perhaps your grandmother, or your father even feel they have let you down, or they knew about it and didn't stop it, so they project their feelings of guilt onto you. All of this is grossly unfair, when what you really need right now is their support and understanding. If you cannot get this from them, you must find it where you can. Can you and your sister talk about it in any way? Can you both talk to your mother about it, even if only to explore the way you feel, not just with the abuse but also with the surrounding issues of trust within the family and how your father and grandmother are dealing with it? Your mother must be made to understand that if your grandmother is telling your sister it was all your fault, that your sister will eventually work out that if it was your fault, it must also be hers. Neither of you must allow these people to put that on you. There was nothing either of you could have done, its no use saying you could have done this, or should have told that person. You were both young children, scared, confused, feeling shame and guilt over somethin neither of you had even the slightest control over.

I really do not know what else to say, except that you need to get all the support you can from people around you and leave those who won't support you to themselves. Its unlikely you will change their self made opinions at this stage, until they are ready to confront the issue within themselves. But if you get the help you need, and the therapy, you may find a way to deal with this, and even heal the rift in the family that your grandfather has caused. Ironic that the very people hurt by the abuse are most often the ones to bring peace and healing to the family. You came through it, you got this far, you are stronger than you know.

As for seeing your grandfather again, that is something only you can decide. If you do not want to, or cannot bring yourself to, then don't be pushed into it. If you want to, then do so, and don't beat yourself up about it, the confusing issue is, despite what he has done, he is still your grandfather, and you may or may not love him. If you do, it doesn't mean you love the crime he committed, just the rest of him, if you don't, well that is perfectly understandable. But please, make sure neither you nor your sister are ever alone with this man again. God bless.

Answer 7

Your grandma sounds as though she is in denial and it easier to blame you than her husband. Your dad might have been abused by his father or felt guilty that he didn't protect you and would rather stick his head in the sand and pretend it didn't happen than hear what you are saying.
You did nothing wrong and neither did your sister you were little children they were the adults and they are to blame especially your grandpa.
I think you need to think about how you feel not your dad and do what is best for you.

Answer 8

This subject is close to my heart, it angers me that your father is not a man but a mouse(i cant say how i really feel)are your parents still together? How old are you? and how old is your sister?sorry back to the pitiful speciman. What has happened in your dads life that he could not and would not stick up for his children. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES BLAME YOURSELF,As far as your granma, she is just as bad to try and put the blame on you, she is also not fit to be called anything .Under no circumstances do you go near these vermin. Take strength in that your mother is on your side.As far as your dad is concerned he is in his own little world.Take comfort in that your father is getting older, to tell him when he is in is hour of need and it will come you will be there like he was there for you NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!! as far as forgiveness you have to forgive yourself and dont let it scare you too much. I know this might be a strange thing for me to say, but you are not that person with what was done to you. I hope you get to talk this out with a councellor.Do not let it spoil your life and i hope you can find some strenght to help your sister as well. Your father to me is a lost cause and as far as what to say to your father, i wouldnt give him the title of father for you to wonder what to say to him, dont waste your breath." what goes around comes around." Like they say "god does not pay my money alone"your dad will get his and so will his parents, I HOPE THEY THROW THE BOOK AT THE BOTH OF THEM i could go on but i maynot be able to control what i have to say. So on a good note I am proud of you for telling your mum and the social services keep strong and keep your head above water

Answer 9

Could you persuade him to read an autobiography of an abused person?

I dont know the names of any that are sexual abuse related, but I have read 'My Story' by David Pelzer which is about physical abuse. (Im sure another Question on here will get you some suitable suggestions - read them yourself first to see). 'My Story' describes the problem of physical abuse in a very personal way, and allows you to see it from the persons point of view, plus it talks about the problems of denial by relatives (including the boys father).

Perhaps if your dad read it, he may see what you are trying to say to him, and he may even see himself in Dave's father.

For yourself, you know that you are right, and that your grandma is wrong. Support your sister, and stay strong.

Best of luck with this.

Answer 10

i am in the situation with my daughter i believe my daughter too the police and social services are involved and we don't see my parents anymore cos of this but they have tried to turn the rest of the family against me and my daughter so as far as i concerned i have no family as they believe him .... he was given a conditional warning to keep away as not enough evidence make the call and try and get some counselling speak to a social worker and ask about cahms i hope this helps its not your fault and don't let anyone tell you different it will be hard and upsetting but you have to do it for you and your sister and anyone else he tries to do it too good luck if you need to talk to anyone or to listen i am here OK xxx