THE CLASH- I have been through 12 years of hell...?

Question

My wife used to physically abuse me but now it's only
verbal. Over the years it has lessened (I think) or maybe i have
growbn accustomed to it. Anyway, I see a trail of emotional bashing
towards my children. I have been reluctant to divorce becasue I was
afraid she would get custody and then they would be unprotected,
wheras now I can console them afterwards. But I think I have enough
documentation now that I may get custody if I "go to war".
Now my wife seems to have been abusive less frequently, although I
know it's a matter of time befor ethe next explosion. She has refused
to go to the doctor and get medicine. I think she is bipolar/manic
depressive. We've been to several counselors but she always quits
going whenever they finally realize SHE needs to be responsible.
The other thing that has held me back from divorce is my strong
religious convictions. Yet I don't want to allow my kids to be
subject to her wrath. So tell me: should I stay or should I go?

Answer 1

Only if you can take the children.

Answer 2

You should go, I don't think your religion expects you to stay committed to a bad situation. You have made efforts and given her plenty of time to straighten up, she has chosen not to and nobody can make a marriage work alone, I'm sure your God understands that. This is bigger than you, this is about your kids and saving them and any God worth his salt certainly can't see that as a bad thing.

She knows what she has done so perhaps she won't even put up that much of a fight over the kids. Even if she behaves this way somewhere inside her she knows its wrong and she knows its hurtful to her children. You are an adult and can choose to tolerate or not, they don't have that choice. Not to mention that a lot of this she does because she doesn't think you'll ever walk away, when you do it may be a big enough kick in the pants to make her realize she needs help and when you tell her its time for a divorce you can make that a point. Tell her that you will take the kids for a while and give her the time to get the help she needs then after she does you will be willing to discuss the situation further.

If you take them with you when you leave (or boot her out) she has to fight YOU for them, just like a guy would if the kids stay with her during the split. Thats why guys end up fighting for custody because many of them don't understand that they have just as much right to the children as she does so they don't even consider taking the kids with them when they go. You are absolutely right to document everything, continue doing that and good luck to you! Your kids need you, remember that who they will be when they are out in the world and members of society is being shaped everyday.

Answer 3

Check your state for laws regarding tape recording without the other parties consent. If you can tape, then tape her abuse.

From what you describe she is "borderline personality disorder". There is book that you can get called "Walking on Eggshells".

I have lived through this, so I know what I am talking about. You're first mistake was not getting her arrested, a restraining order, and temporary custody of the kids when she was violent, but you can still testify about it later.

You need to consult with an attorney in your area about building a custody case --- before you file for divorce and custody.

Your strong religious convictions are obviously bs because Jesus said you can divorce if the woman is hard-hearted. Jews are allowed to divorce and so are Muslims. If there is some religion that does not allow divorce in these situations, then it is a real obscure sect and you might wish to reconsider your faith. Check with your pastor, priest, rabbi, whatever.

As far as getting custody, there are something called "best interest of the child" factors. Find it on the internet. Go through it objectively by yourself, then talk to a family law attorney about this. You need to consult with an attorney in your area about building a custody case --- **before** you file for divorce and custody.

If you and your wife work, then you will have a great chance at getting 50/50. If the kids are old enough they can state a preference. If she is a kook and you prove it then you can get full custody. However, it is best to build your case prior to any talk of divorce or filing of divorce because borderline personality disorder chicks are great at looking good in public and in court. Whatever you do DO NOT MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE unless ordered by the court - you will never get custody otherwise.

Do some research on borderline personality disorder. Not only am I a lawyer in Florida, but I married one of these nut jobs. (Hey she was a piece of @ss and then I knocked her up within a week - nobody is perfect).

This answer is not intended to be anything other than general legal advice in Florida. It is not intended to create an attorney client relationship. Consult an attorney in your state.

You will pick this as your best answer after you start an internet search on Borderline Personality Disorder. You will see your wife in every symptom.

Answer 4

You need to go! Consoling your kids is not enough; they need to be protected completely. As their father that is your responsibility. Before you do anything o make any announcement go talk to a divorce lawyer who specializes in getting men full custody of their children. Let him/her give you pointers on what you need to do. You will need to get proof of your wife's abusive ways towards your children and yourself. As far your religious beliefs go I really do not think God will think is it good to have His children abused in their marriages. Leave this abuser. If she refuses to get help; she leaves you with no other choice. It is sad though; nice guys like you never marry good girls. Leave!

Answer 5

Only you know what has been going on in your home. When you went for counseling and she did not continue that was your RED flag to either take control of the situation and continue to seek help for you and your kids.
In all honesty I know you love yourself and your family but, at sometimes in our lives when we are going through a crisis like this, you have to continue to seek help. You have children this is also affecting them. In a very short time the situation will become TOXIC for everyone in your home.
I have been in an abusive relationship. You have to get help. Do you have a domestic hot-line you can call? Please don't let this eat up your family.
If at any time the situation escalates and gets worse and worse you could not only loose your wife but, you can loose your children to.
You need to keep seeking help. Only you know whether or not YOU should STAY or GO. At this time you all are victims of abuse. You have to continue to seek help.
GOOD LUCK and please be careful.

Answer 6

Don't let religion stand in your way of getting your children out of what appears to be a real mess -- that you have stayed so long is, well, stupid.....most would have bailed. If you have the evidence to get your children, all you need is a good attorney...... and good luck. Your children deserve a better role model that what you have described her as being.

Answer 7

You should go. You are teaching your kids that the way she treats you is the way to treat their future spouse. If the kids need you to console them now, they will begin to resent you for not putting an end to this now- when you knew it was a problem. They are going to want to know why you let her do what she did when you knew it was wrong. What kind of Christian/father/protector does that make you? You need to go and God will understand. He is the only judge, so you need to stop judging him on how he will view what you will do. Leave that job to him.............

Answer 8

Make sure that you are able to take the children. It is more common for men to get custody now, especially if you have solid evidence. If you know you can get the kids then get out NOW!!!

Answer 9

I wouldn't stay with the abuse. And it will have reprocussions, the environment is not good for children. When they get older, sometimes ( not always ) act out things they seen or heard as children.

Answer 10

If you can get out with the kids RUN LIKE HELL!!! if not stick it out so you can protect them. Once they are old enough, most kids are able to choose whom they want to live with. The age varies from state to state. Good luck.

Answer 11

You should go... but i will warn you ahead of time, with her (comparing her to my husbands bipolar ex wife) she will probably fight fire with fire and accuse you of molesting your kids to keep you from gettin custody... so if i were you, id be prepared and hire an atty (it will be costly) and let him know of her mental illness before you even leave..... just something to consider before you leave.