Why doesn't my husband speak up in front of his mother?

Question

Hi, I have been married for 1.5 yrs and was happy until my mother in law and father in law came to stay with us. When I was spending two days away from my home I dont know what they did but my husband started behaving very differently. One day my husbands father talked very rudely to me and my husband and his mom also started shouting at me calling me names and saying that I was basically an egoist only interested in my own little life. I dont know how this happened. I angrily reacted back and my husband did not say a word. When we tried to work things out when his parents left, we started living together again but things have changed. We arent as friendly as we always were, his parents still keep influencing him and basically I dont think he has a mind of his own. He gets influenced by whoever tells him anything. I feel bad and used as I am his wife but he did not support me in front of his parents. What do I do? How will my husband know what a role of a husband is in a marriage?

Hi Angel, Thanks for your reply. Here's the details you asked for. I had left to stay at my brother's place because I had a dance program coming up and the venue was 5 minutes from his place and an hour and 10 mins from mine. I had talked this over with my husband before I left and he was okay with this and said I should go and stay there for two days. This would save time. They all did this to me the very next day after I came back home.

Answer 1

First of all let me say that there is a BIG chunk of information about this incident that you apparently left out. Why did you leave? Were you angry because the parents were with you? You can bet your husband said something to his mom and dad about you and when you got back, they reacted to what he said. Now, he has put himself in the middle of his wife and his mother. If he doesn't have the courage to stand up to his parents as he should on your behalf, he will never do it and you can look forward to being second in his life. He needs to keep his business with you to himself and not share his personal life with his parents. And you, my dear, need to tell him if it happens again, you're gone.

Answer 2

If you are angry at this point, my suggestion is to chill out.
It is good, now your in-laws have left and I hope things could not be worse anymore
Take time to influence back your husband, so he can understand you better (specially when you think he is the person that does not have his mind of his own: this kind of person is very easy to be influenced)
in the future, if possible, avoid having chances for them to get their heads together and start having communication about you.
If you still dont know your husband yet at this point, this is the good time you learn about him.
Remember, at the same time he is also learn about you. (1.5 year is a young marriage)
Believe it or not, but there are cultures when talking rudely is oneway of showing caring.
Chinese proverb: If it is a big problem, lessen it (small problem)
If it is a small problem, make it no problem.
Alway thing positive, thing maybe not as serious/bad as you thought it is.
Watch the movie Crash: When the wife got molested by the police officer. Think of your husband when he is on this situation. Was his action coward or justified.
Finally, as what Antirion has suggested to ask your self two fundamental questions: What kind of woman you are and what kind of man your husband is.
Only you can find out these answers and only you can either take it or leave it when you know the answers.
Good bless.

Answer 3

In-laws...in general...can be the cause of many a break-up...even if they're NOT occupying the same living space! I feel for you...but the only one to be able to answer this question is your husband. If you want to have a long-lasting marriage, communication is key. However, your in-laws are WAY out of line with this kind of verbal abuse! Stick up for yourself...and ask your husband to defend you...or have them move out. The choice is yours...but it's doubtful that this situation will resolve itself without a fight.

Answer 4

Being a child is something that was ingrained in us for years. The concepts of obedience, deference, etc. can be very deeply seated. Being under the same roof with parents, even years later, can bring out this behavior again like gangbusters... It's an almost knee-jerk reaction. It takes a strong person, man or woman, to stand up to their parents, particularly if the parents are strong-willed.
You need to ask yourself two very hard questions. 1) What kind of woman are you? (in particular, was their criticism true?) and 2) What kind of man is he? (in particular, does he have what it takes to break out of the child mode, and act like a man around his family?) He may need to grow a pair and stand up to them. He may not be able to.

Answer 5

I am sorry to tell you but he should have stuck up for you at least he should have told everyone to just stop. When my husband let his mom say something to me we almost got a divorce over it and then he talked to her. He told her that whether she likes me or not is not the issue. He said he loves me and if they love him they need to respect his wife and if they have nothing nice to say then say nothing. If your husband can not do that for you then why are you with him?

Answer 6

you need to tell him how you felt when they did that to you, and that he married you and knows you better than anyone and he knows that you dont do anything to hurt him or be a bad wife, that it is his duty as a husband to make sure that no one hurts you even your inlaws. that he has to speak up for himself and for you and tell his parents that it does not matter that they dont like you that you two are married and that it is your guys business what goes on in your marriage and that they need to respect that, and give you guys your space. if he cant stand up for you and your marriage to eachother then you dont have a marriage worth haveing cause the parents wil always be right there. he needs to fight for his marriage with his parents. even if that means that he dont speak to them anymore till they learn how to act.

Answer 7

this is going to be the big test of your marriage - you can never expect your husband to speak up for you - in one way you can see this in a positive light that your husband holds his family in great respect but never ask him to do this or you will live in misery-
I have learned with the years if I speak well of his parents then he will be the one to criticize them - remember they are not your parents to criticize and when you fight with them you are telling your husband that you don't like the essence of who he is .

either move far away form the in laws or grin and bear it

Answer 8

He simply respects his mom in the old fashion sense and does'nt
want to offend her. But, he needs to relize that once he had taken on a bride, you became his mate, you're one and forsake all others. All others include mom & dad. Read the bible about the topic; in Ephesians if you are saved.

Answer 9

Tell your husband that he need to stand up and I did have plm with in law with my wife paretns and finally my wife knows that I will never tell her make choice between me or your family. she knows that becasue she told me. So finally she understood why i have plm with her family always a plm calling telling my wife plm with her sister and sister call her plm with her mom.. my gosh she was like out of it and didn't want to talk to anyone and my daughter is 3 and said momma and my son age 2 asking momma and i told jennifer jennnifer she said what .. listen you kids been calling your name. and she said oh sorry I told her see why I am so mad? why can't your sister and mom fix the plm not have them calling and finally she stood up to her family told the plms that need to be solve between both of them. She knows that if anything happen i can tell by her face Becasue she is hearing and I am deaf.

I didn't like what my mom said to jennifer so I told her she is no longer my family and so is my sister and it been 10 years and I am so happy I did that becasue knowing that married to my wife will be with me forever no by mom or sister anyone.

He really need to stand up right now and be man enough to protect his you and no matter what. He shoudl say I don't care and you not going to talk about my wife like that and do things and tell him that I did that now 10 years been a wonderful without my family giving my wife hard time. smiling.

Also I want to say that thank you for put up that questions why? I am now move to level 4 for my 2,499 now become 2,501 ... without your question I won't be able to do it today. But thanks.

Answer 10

The Bible says that we are to "leave and cleave"
In other words, you two are supposed to be a united front and your primary allegiance is to your spouse...even over your parents. He needs to stand up to his mother and protect you as his wife. That is his duty.