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I do not understand it myself.We have 4 children,so that is part of it.I am 40,been married 16 yrs,and the children are 7,11,12 and 15.He treats me terribly lately.Please do not suggest counseling.we are already in it--it is not helping at all!

2006-07-25 11:20:09 · 20 answers · asked by MaryBeth 7 in Family & Relationships Marriage & Divorce

20 answers

There are several reasons why you stay.

First, the kids: it scares you to death that you might be a single mom with four children to support. Everyone knows that if you don't have an amicable divorce, money is going to be an issue and you don't want to change your children's quality of life.

Second, it would suck to admit defeat after sixteen years of marriage. No one likes to be thought of as a statistic and no one wants their children to be the children of divorced parents. You feel like you've failed your kids.

Third, you are in a state of "uncomfortable comfortableness". Even though you don't like your life as it is, you are accustomed to it and we as humans are naturally resistant to change, especially one this big. A divorce would be a separation from everything as you know it and that's scary.

Fourth, as you've gotten older and the children are growing up, you are now discovering a new side to yourself that you never knew and probably wasn't developed when you got married at 24. After sixteen years of catering to others, you want to experience new things. You're having growing pains which is completely normal.

As for counseling, I can only suggest that you and your husband go separately and together. Separately you are more likely to be honest and open which will give the counselor a better insight into you both when he counsels you together.

I am very sorry that you are having to live this way and I wish you all the best in finding a solution. God Bless.

2006-07-25 11:34:52 · answer #1 · answered by stseukn 5 · 7 1

You are most likely staying out of a sense of duty to your children and when divorces are a dime a dozen in our society that is very admirable of you.
However if counseling isnt working and there is some extreme unworkable difficulties, then I would start with a trial separation before stepping into divorce proceedings. If your husband fails to work through the counseling to change his behavior then asking him to move out may give him a wake-up call as to how valuable and precious his family is to him.
Divorce is hard on the kids, especially at their age and will be hard on you and your husband financially.
I have been divorced twice and I wish I would there would have been a way to work out my marriage. I was divorced because of abuse in both marriages, so there was no alternative. Now I'm 34 and have no financial stability. Where my friends have new homes and good careers, I work paycheck to paycheck and live in a small apartment. I'm not complaining because we have a roof over our head and food on the table, but had I had other options than divorce, my children and I would be able to enjoy life more.
I wish you the best.

2006-07-25 18:47:49 · answer #2 · answered by lilmissy 2 · 0 0

Sorry I don't have the answer. I'm struggling with the same question myself.
Mine is like you mentioned for the kids mostly but then I think out of fear too. I am afraid that if I leave I will be lonely for the rest of my life and even if I'm unhappy now I'm not lonely and the kids have a little stability.
Plus I think we as women have always been taught to stay, that it is our duty to our family to be there, to sacrifice our own needs, wants, desires,and sometimes happiness to keep the family "unit" together, no matter how disfunctional that unit is.

I personally have this hang up where I HATE to fail at anything and I would feel like I failed if I gave up. I know I would always wonder if I did Everything I could have to make it work. I know b/c when I was 19 I got married and that marriage only lasted 2 yrs and now here I am in another bad one and I wonder why I didn't fight as hard for the first one.
I know its because of my girls. I did not have any children w/the first one. See I've been on the child side of it too with divorced parents so I know personally how that feels and no matter how many times your told as a child its not your fault you still always think somehow you could have done something different.

The sad fact is nobody can really give you an answer on this one. If you want to get back in touch with me through my email I can get your address and send you a book that might help.

Its nice to hear you say the problems are only resent, that means you or he could be going through a stressful time and taking it out on those closest to you, each other. Try to remember what brought you together in the first place.
Plan a date night once a week, every week. Make each other a priority. Try to see the situation through each others eyes. Are some of his complaints legimate, are yours to? Just DO NOT stop communicating. Count yourself fortunate that at least he will go to counseling. Mine refuses.

Hang in there. Don't count on him for your happiness you have to be happy with yourself in order to be happy with your life.
Maybe some of that helped a little.

2006-07-25 18:46:13 · answer #3 · answered by SpecialK 2 · 0 0

I see it as this. If he has been treating you badly lately something is up,if its not him thinking about infidelities,it may be something else. He could be in discontent about the marriage itself.
If the counseling doesn't help it says something to you,that it won't work out. Sometimes you hope it will,and for the children's sake,but there is always a root to a problem.
Discontent comes when you realized that when you were younger that man married you hoping you never changed and you married him hoping you could change something about him.

2006-07-25 18:27:32 · answer #4 · answered by Ellie 4 · 0 0

u probably stay because it's what u r used to "the relationship I mean"maybe u love him and u r not ready to b alone u wonder what the kids will say and how it will affect them instead of how it will affect u maybe u remember ur vows "when u said for better or for worse " and u feel like u would b a traitor if u bailed now maybe u don't want to break the promise that u made before God and then again maybe all of this is going through you head at once..just pray about it and it will come to you

2006-07-26 00:19:27 · answer #5 · answered by His 5 · 0 0

My story and answer to you is, I was in my first marriage for 7yrs with children. I treated my wife(at the time) terribly, I wanted more I thought she couldn't give me. What was it? Lust, I lied , cheated, verbalized her. I felt It was all about me that she was Wife and I was Man. The answer is he has become too comfortable, you allowed him through out the years to dominate you. Now you are just a signed document to him. Get out and be happy if counseling can't help you find someone who will.
good luck Darling.

2006-07-25 19:50:57 · answer #6 · answered by skawp 2 · 0 0

Two things: First, the pain of what we know can be more acceptable than the fear of the unknown. You'd rather suffer what you're suffering than risk doing something different.
Second, everything we do, we do for a reason. Staying in this relationship "does" something for you. You get some value, some benefit from it. I've seen abused wives stay because they feel guilty inside, and suffer the abuse because being "punished" eases their sense of guilt... the blows on the outside hurt less than the pain on the inside...
You're doing what you are doing because you'd rather do that, than something else.

2006-07-25 18:24:38 · answer #7 · answered by antirion 5 · 0 0

You only live once. So make the most of it. If it isnt working out just get a divorce, and do what makes you happy. Your kids will understand as they get older. Think about yourself for once, and everything will fall into place. Its better for the kids and you. You dont want this marriage and your kids dont want to see there parents fight.

2006-07-25 18:51:16 · answer #8 · answered by porschegirl702 2 · 0 0

you stay in this marriage because it is all you have known for the last 16yrs. Happy or not your marriage is some what of a comfort zone for you because you probably can't even remember life before married life. Be brave and try something new, of course it is scary, but it can also be FUN.

2006-07-25 18:25:49 · answer #9 · answered by angel 4 · 0 0

You should get a divorce. If he is treating you like crap, there is no reason to stay. Why spend the rest of your life being unhappy every single day?
Plus I'm sure it's not healthy for your kids.

2006-07-25 18:40:31 · answer #10 · answered by Courtney T 2 · 0 0

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