Bondage sex...a control issue?

Question

O.K. My husband is into bondage. Hog tying, ball gags, school girl out fits with heels. I used to enjoy it until I found out he was looking at this on the net constantly and masturbating to it. And on the net it's more than just "dress-up" bondage. It gets (to me) degrading and it really bothers me that that type of bondage turns him on. He gets angry/pouts if I don't feel like doing bondage but since I've learned these things about him it's a real turn off. What is this attraction to damsels in distress?

Answer 1

I don't think that bondage is really a matter of PUTTING WOMEN DOWN or a CONTROL ISSUE. It is just something to do with your time. I have never been into it, but I tried being beaten once. That chick kicked my ****, but I wore her out.

Does he let you tie him up? I think what is good for the goose should be good for the gander.

A lot of people are attracted IN FANTASIES to what they would not do in real life. I think it is "Clerks II" in which one of the kids says, "What is the point of an Internet hookup if you can't look at pornography of things that you would not do yourself?" That is a good question, but Yahoo Questions is a good reason for an Internet hookup as well.

Perhaps you should talk to your husband about your concerns. It may just be an idiosyncratic taste. Some people like beef and some people like chicken.

Do you feel CONTROLLED in your relationship? If so, there may be deeper issues involved. If not, I would think it is just a harmless fetish.

I know that MOST MEN are not good at communication, but you should probably try talking to him about your feelings and seeing what you can work out. Maybe you can do the bondage thing some of the time to keep him happy and at other times avoid it to keep you happy. Marriage is not easy nor are relationships, but good communication is quintessential to a healthy marriage. Yours does not seem unhealthy at this time, but it could become so if your feelings become more ingrained and you feel used and abused.

You may also wish to speak with a professional counselor together or by yourself.

I hope my ideas help you out some in your situation.

I like damsels in distress, but I like rescuing ones that OTHERS put in distress like a KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR. I would be HAPPIER if they were not distressed in the first place. Good luck sweetie.

Answer 2

1) You need to talk to him. Everything you just told us, you need to say to him. A counselor may not be needed yet, they'll have their own "take" on the bondage thing, not everyone understands this.

2) The difference between a "kink" and a "fetish" is that a Kink just adds to sexual excitement. It's a turnon, but it's not required. Clinically, a Fetish is when you can't get sexual arousal any other way. When was the last time you had "vanilla" (non-bondage) sex? And if it isn't now, it could become a fetish to him, he sounds well on his way.

3) When you talk to him, ask him why bondage? He may not be able to put it into words, maybe he's never had to. Give him some time, but come back to that question until he has thought it thru.

4) When you talk to him, let him know how this makes you feel- about going to the internet when you're right there. Try to compromise, work out something you can both live with, but that takes your feelings into account. Chances are, he's more willing to compromise than risk losing you.

5) Trade off fantasies. If you're doing this for him, what secret romantic things would YOU like to try? He should be willing to exchange.

Bondage, in a healthy relationship, is based on 3 watchwords: SAFE, SANE, & CONSENSUAL. If it's not safe, someone can get hurt. If it's not "sane" (mature, moderate) someone can get hurt. If it's not Consensual, well, it's rape. And it looks like you're being coerced or manipulated into it more than you enjoy it.

So, bring these issues up with him, open those lines of communication, and good luck!
hugs, val

Answer 3

I suppose that you are willing to agree that there is not is or itself bad about bondage when it's done in the proper context. However, this is actually some of a different issue, one of over-indulgence. Just like food or any activity, anything taken to an excess, where it becomes a destructive force rather than a beneficial one, is definitely a problem.

I would guess that part of his fascination with looking at it on-line is that he is trying to fulfill an urge, one that you are not as willing to help fulfill. However, your refusal to participate is truly the right one and should not be compromised, and it's not an excuse for him to be wrecking your sex life.

I believe that you and he need to have a frank, open discussion on what your situation is, why he has this fascination (which in of itself is not bad) and why you are turned off. However, I suspect that there is an underlining addiction that is being tapped into that needs serious treatment, so perhaps marriage consuling is required at this point.

Hope that helps.

Answer 4

I is an intense need for control. Usually the person earlier in life felt like then never would or have any control.

There is a real rush of power when they tie their partner up, then they just leave the room for as long as they want to leave them alone.

This is NOT a damsel in distress thing.....this is the guy who has control over you andd the feeling that you are frantic for him to to be in control and let you go.

If he continues this, he will feel more and more powerful, instead of making love.......he is getting the feelng of power and control.

You may have to ask him to tone this down and agree to have a variety of sex styles so that the bondage isn't the only style of love making.

You definatly need a secret word, that will be your way of sayig
to him that you are in a panic, or closterphopic. And he needs to respect you enough to respect your felings.

He needs to let you choose who you make love, so you are both getting what you need.

Answer 5

i am a female & i am into the opposite side. i like the submissive side. i don't know what the attraction to being a Dom is. It's not something that can really be explained. There is a feeling you get from it that normal sex don't & can't give. Even still, it's not all about sex. When you get into real D/s the whole relationship works on an entire new level. Go to castlerealm.com if you are in search of accurate information. There is nothing dirty about it. Now please don't get me wrong, him looking on the internet & masturbating to other women is not ok. Just be aware that this lifestyle in an obsession. I ended up getting divorced & in some ways, it was for this life. If you are interrested in it for real then there is nothing wrong with him wanting to include you. If he thinks though, that it is all about sex...he is very wrong. Best of luck to you.

Just remember...if it don't feel right to you, it's not.

Answer 6

I don't see the attraction, especially when you are the one causing the distress and thats the part that concerns me. Every guy wants to be the knight in shining armour that saves the girl, but this guy wants to be the one causing the girl to need saved. Who cares if he pouts, let him, its just another control game he's playing to try to get what he wants. Tell him you didn't mind when you thought it was a funny game but now he's going overboard with it and you are finding it a turn off. Why does the way he feels about it count more than the way you feel about it? Tell him he should've been content with what he had instead of trying to push it further because now he has just lost what was there. He'll get over the pouting real quick once he figures out he can't use it to manipulate you. This problem gets to the point where you need outside intervention if it is the ONLY way he can get pleasure out of it, if its a phase and he can find other ways to get the same results its one thing but if this is the only thing that does it for him you have big problems! Good luck and stick to your guns!

Answer 7

First I must tell you I'm a bondage enthusiastic. And that my boyfriend looks like yours: he is not into porn, but goes on the net to find bondage images / videos. We have separate computers, but when I get to use his PC, I find what he looks like, and just like you, it offended my at first.
But then, I guess I made my mind differently. I have a very good friend, a man, and I talk with him about the strange male way of behaving. My feeling is that "men are lurkers": they like to watch, they keep looking at other girls, etc... It's much more different that how we behave.
Then my friend told me: "what matters is how you see it: either you feel degraded, or you feel proud because, who ever he fantasizes about (actresses, bondage stars, etc...), he comes to you and he is in love with you)
So what I did is that I talked about all that with my boyfriend, told him he can watch whatever he wants, as long as he respects me. He knows tells everyone (especially his friends...) that he has a really cool girlfriend. And our sex life is even better (sometimes, I do even challenge myself with some bondage he shows me)
So you see, it's just a point of view: if you love him, speak to him and take his fantasies as game for you too.
Of course, if he doesn't show respect, if he seems to be more attracted by the virtual world than by you, then drop him. But leave him a chance. Remember: they like to watch ; ) maybe because men really lack imagination?.
Hope this helped
Love and kisses

Answer 8

A damsel in distress, is a female stuck on the side of the road without a way to get the vehicle started, a flat tire, car broke down, or a situation that she can't fix alone, there are many scenarios that I can think of, where a woman would be in distress, but, bondage isn't one of them. If a man or woman needs, or wants this kind of thing, I'd say they need to see a doctor that can help them get back to the way God intended relations between a Husband and Wife to be. It should be to give and take, to enjoy each other, but bondage seems out of place, as You have begun to realize. Sexual relations should never make a person feel degraded, and it should never take these kinds of sex acts to help a person to get in the mood for lovemaking. If I were You, I'd seek some counseling for Him if He agrees to it, or maybe He'll understand how all of this makes You feel after You tell Him You think He's taking things too far, like going on the net to watch this stuff. It's probably a good idea to speak to a clergyman, they would be able to give You better advice on this. I'm hoping Your Husband understands that this is damaging the relationship between both of You and changes.

Answer 9

You shouldn't ever feel degraded with your husband - both of you should be trying to please one another. That being said since you do feel degraded, you need to be able to talk with him without him turning into a preschooler and pouting. Have you thought about getting therapy? Having a 3rd person who won't judge might be the answer - both of you would be able to express yourselves and not fight the entire time.

Answer 10

Bondage is a big fetish now a days,and if your not liking it,you should confront him about it. sex isn't about one persons pleasure,its about that mutual feeling of being able to please one another.
In most cases bondage is about control,its about having that one person being able to get off on what seems as something close to rape,but more willing then rape itself.