My Marriage is Falling Apart?

Question

Last year I had an affair. A long running affair. During which I got pregnant. My husband & I decided to stay together. After lots of problems with the pregancy, I aborted. I have been trying to work on my marraige. And I will think it's getting better, then he will flip out and let me know it's not. He hates me. He use to need me. Now he hates me. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to make it up to him. I love him so much. I messed up bad, but I feel so bad about it. I want it to be back to what it use to be. We wanted to get counselling, but we can't afford it. He has suggested me getting him a woman so it would be even, but now he says not even that would work. I will answer any further questions you have if it will help.

He hates me b/c of what I did & about the abortion. I don't know if we can live like this much longer. He says I ma driving him crazy being close to him and I can't go on w/o him. I feel like I am being selfish by staying or by going..

OK. I am going to try to answer all the questions.

I am in Western KY. If anyone knows of a free or very low cost counselor let me know, I will go.

I don't want to move on. I don't think he REALLY does either. I hate for him to be alone, b/c I am afraid of what he might do to himself. I have spent many nights in the spare bedroom so he could be alone and have his space.

We are still sexually involved. We have sex about 610 times a week. When I can't have sex I give him oral.

I know I screwed up. This is no excuse, but at the time we were on different shifts and I developed a drug dependency. He knows this.

I do not believe in divorce. So further advice does not need to include, just move on. It's not an option.

He is kind at heart and I believe he is doing his best at dealing w/this.

I also have been trying to do little things for him to show him I care, ie, backrubs, footrubs, sex stuff, other stuff like that. Suggestions welcome.

Answer 1

Oh honey, been here done this! Still doing it really. I got to where you are by cheating. No baby though. It's a long story but the basis is that I was going through bad times personally and emotionally and then another factor was added that I allowed to push me over the edge...thus...I cheated. 3 months later he found out and we separated for 18 months through which he suffered miserably. Things are getting better now but there are still things I have to tolerate because I understand the basis of them. I get frustrated and feel like a prisoner sometimes but I know that he is only trying to protect his heart. All you can really do is give him space. Just sit back and let him go through his stuff and figure things out for himself. He will...but only if you back away and give him room to do so. I kept my mouth shut completely for that whole 18 months and still do about a-lot of it, that alone has been the one factor that has held things together. Patience is a virtue. Remember that you hurt him in a way no one else ever could. The damage is deep and drastic. Do NOT put limits on how long it should take him to get over it or when he should stop being so anal about something. Let him heal his way. He deserves that much after what happened. He does NOT hate you. he may think he does but he does not. It does not work that way. When he tells you to go away, do it. He will go back and forth but he will TELL you what he wants at that moment. Be flexable and give it to him. Do not hound him. That will push him further away. If I can be of any help to you please feel free to e-mail me anytime! I will do what ever I can, even if it is just to talk to you and help you deal with it. Hugs! It will be ok! Good luck!

Answer 2

Well, you don't mention where you are from, but many cities have marriage support groups that are free. If you belong to a church your pastor/reverend might help. Also many employers offer a program which covers counselling under healthcare insurance.
Sadly, he feels betrayed and will have trouble forgiving you. It's hard for him to understand why if you love him so much you were having a long running affair. At this point it's a matter of trust. It's hard for him to care because he doesnt want you to have another affair and hurt him again.
The best advice i can give to you is try to show him you still love him. Have you stopped sleeping with him? If so, start again. Let him know that you regret what happened and it wont happen again. Cook his favorite meals, offer to rub his back, little things that show him he is the only man for you. He will slowly come around or he wont. At this point it is up to him.

Answer 3

I can see that you do feel bad but girl you did the worst thing a wife could do to a husband. You took something sacred and shared it with another man and that is so heart breaking. It's a hard thing to get over for someone because I'm sure all he thinks about is his wife being with another man. But it's not fair in how he's treating you by throwing it in your face constantly. You know you messed up and your wanting to work it out shows that you feel guilty. But if he can't get over what happened then it's best to go your separate ways. No one deserves to live like that for both of you. And if you stay this is what your going to have to deal with for a very long time. So it's up to you if you want to deal with it.If he can't get over what's happened then it's best that you two go your separate ways and you take this as a lesson learned on what cheating does to a relationship and put all this behind you and begin your life for you. I wish you the best of luck with everything.

Answer 4

Oh Sweetie, I feel for you. The harsh truth is that NOTHING will ever be the way it was again. You have to accept that. If he is angry with you because of an affair then you two either have to talk it out between yourselves or with the help of a trained therapist. Beware the reality though, he may never be able to trust you again and trust is what makes a relationship strong.

When the time comes, you will know whether or not it is time to move on. And no matter what happens, come away with this whole thing with a lesson learned.

Answer 5

God, that's tough.

Honey, I feel for you. It's awful to make a mistake and not be able to correct it.

But the hard truth is that you may never be able to heal this one. Speaking as a married man, if I found out that my wife had an affair it would probably be over immediately.

HOWEVER... if you want to heal this... I'd strongly suggest giving him time and space. Leave - go away with a friend or visit a relative. Go to Europe, go the mountains, go home to your folks, whatever. Tell him why you're going. Tell him that you want to give him some space and let him feel things out. Tell him that you want to heal the wounds that you've caused, and that you love him and will wait and work patiently to do that... but that before you start "working on it" you'll give him time to feel out what he wants to do. Tell him how long you'll go without contacting him (a month, two months... whatever). When he tries to get in touch with you (he will) then keep it short, mildly tender but say nothing of your own feelings - no blubbering about how much you love him and how much you miss him. Confirm that you haven't changed your mind only if you ask, and keep it at that. No crying. Do not make up excuses to seek him out.

This separation is for him to realize that he still cares about you and still needs you. Which he either will or won't. 90% chance that he will. You stay close to him, you'll smother him and drive him away.

Being away also gives you the chance to decide how badly you want to be with him.

Once you've decided how long you'll spend away from him, don't make excuses to go back early, even if he insists on it (which he will). You will cheapen yourself in his eyes if you do.

When you get back, let him take the lead on intimacy. Do not be clingy, do not hover, do not make overly emotional appeals. This is not a time for your emotions. It is his sense of betrayal that needs to be sooth, his trust that needs to be won. It is a long and painful process during which you need to be patient and selfless. All in the interest of re-gaining his love.

Good luck. You're not up against impossible odds, but you will have to re-build your credibility and that takes times.

Answer 6

I know what you're going through. I've been through the same. I would advise that you don't try and hide your feelings from either of them. Anger and feelings of betrayal are normal. They are in a pretty horrible place too now, but in order to make the right decisions for themselves and for you they need to know how you feel and what you're thinking. Emotions are running hot and they will probably say and do things which they will regret. Your mother wants to run away, which is normal. I'm guessing, since you don't want to leave, that you like your Dad and the place where you live. It's good you told her you don't want to move. If you want her to listen, honesty (blunt honesty) is always best. My parents seperated: my Dad got remarried and my mother has jumped from relationship to relationship. It's been a very bumpy ride but I can say that I've come out of it all right and a much stronger person. Your parents still love you. Things might seem chaotic and dark right now, but I promise that it will get better.

Answer 7

You know that you have made two hugh mistakes and you want to fix it. Good for you. Unfortunatly, the abortion that you had just may live with you for the rest of your life and your marriage will never be back to what it was before. I had a boyfriend cheat on me before and for two years I would bring the affair up weekly. He didn't understand after two years had gone by why I would still bring it up. Honey, once you have cheated on that person it hits a core deep down in their soul and if it hasn't happened to you, your not going to understand. Of course you know how much you have hurt him thats not the question. You want to know where to go from here. When you cheated you lost all of the trust that he had for you and he even lost some of his love for you. He is thinking how could you ever do this to him, being that he has been faithful to you. You are going to have to set him down, with not telephone ringing, with no tv on and no other distractions..ect. and look him in the eye holding one or both of his hands and tell him that you are truly sorry for what you have done, but mostly for what you have done to him (as far as hurting him). Tell him that you love him to death and want nothing more than to spend the rest of your life with him making up for the mistake that you have made, and tell him no matter how much I want to be with you I want you to be happy first and foremost and ask him if he can find it in his heart to truly forgive you ,because if he can't forgive you then your relationship won't be able to move forward. Your job now is not just to tell him you will do what it takes, but to show him. Don't forget the trust is gone. Do things to let him know that he can trust you.

Answer 8

Honey you have admitted what you did was wrong but what he is doing now is even more wrong.. You can not say you forgive someone and want to work things out with them then treat them the way your being treated. I know you feel bad about your actions but if he can not move on then there is no point in you staying as far as getting him another women 2 wrongs do not make a right and will only make the situation worse.. Good Luck no one deserves to be treated the way you are..

Answer 9

You need to both let go of your frustration over the affair.

Let me tell you a story from my life. I had a girlfriend for a couple of years that cheated on me THREE TIMES. That upset me, but I forgave her, and we continued the relationship. Then, I cheated on her ONCE, and things were never the same. The relationship eventually failed, but it was the closest to marriage that either of us ever were. We are still good friends, and I still love her as a wonderful person and a friend.

GETTING EVEN is a stupid idea. That usually just makes things WORSE instead of better. You need to let go of your frustration in a HEALTHY fashion instead of an unhealthy fashion, and getting even is LIKELY to just make things worse. And, why should YOU GET HIM a woman? Can't he get his own if that is what he wants to do?

It sounds like you two have a lot of issues. You might consider having a friend or married couple act as a counselor to help you talk out your issues if you can not afford marriage counseling.

You might also consider a divorce. Most of my friends whose marriages got THAT BAD got a divorce. Nobody said that you would get marriage right the first time (or ever.)

Talking out your problems (without yelling or abusing one another) is an essential part of a good marriage. No two people are alike, and people will have differences of opinions especially when resources are scarce. Should HE BUY A NEW SUIT or YOU A NEW DRESS if you can only afford one? Perhaps flip a coin so you are treated as equals.

I think that he is UNFAIRLY holding your affair against you to validate his pushing you down. Pushing your significant other down is not a good idea, and you should be lifting each other up instead.

I have one female friend who I considered marrying, but she was always PUSHING ME DOWN and making me feel like a beaten dog. That is not how I want to feel for life or for eternity, but it was expected to get WORSE if we got married. I saw how her last marriage went that direction and how she constantly henpecked her exhusband. I decided that I can find better for myself.

If you can not talk out your differences and he continuously pushes you down, please seriously consider a divorce.

And, I don't think you are being selfish. I think he is being quite rude. I think that a good marriage should be a partnership where both parties feel that their needs are met and their wishes fulfilled. We do not live in a perfect world, and getting along perfectly is not likely for anybody all the time. But, there is no reason why you should put yourself through such recurring abuse. You deserve better than that.

Like I said, I think HE is just using the affair as and excuse to abuse you, and I do not like abusive relationships. Although I have had a number of friends who have been in abusive relationships, I try to counsel them to improve their living situations. Sometimes they manage to pull through the adversity, but most of the time they just quit.

I hope my ideas help. Good luck.

Answer 10

You really messed up. You know something, I lived with my ex-husband for 7 years and every year he messed up. I am sort of like your husband , willing to work it out. But after a while it all comes back. Yeah i forgave him, every time but the truth is you can never forget. Its always in your mind that you give your best to the relationship at this shows us that we fail in one way. But the problem is not him and yes even if he did it to you it wouldn't help because he did it for vengeance and you did it first more than likely for pleasure. Do try to work it out if there is still hope, and if not let him go. He deserves at least that.