Sometime ago in land of Shinook, lived a man. Now this man did many great things throughout Shinook, this mans name is Lloyd Willinger. Lloyd was summoned to the kingdom of Phebas by King Daniel, castle guards escorted Lloyd to Phebas by stagecoach. The journey was a long one, for Lloyd lived in the village of Luin, and should a person want to leave Luin he would have to climb an extremely steep hill, cross a murky swamp infested with piranhas, and then slide down the opposite side of the hill. All of that could take up to two days at the most.
At last Lloyd arrived, he was searched and then allowed to pass through the acesses and into to most populated town in the whole land of Shinook. As Lloyd walked, he began to notice that everybody had ceased what they were doing and was staring at him.
© Copyright 2006 Xekester (FictionPress ID:511745). All rights reserved. Distribution of any kind is prohibited without the written consent of Xekester.
2006-07-25 09:52:52 · 12 answers · asked by ? 1 in Education & Reference ➔ Homework Help
Note: This is only about 0.02 % of my whole story. So if you want to read this rest of it e-mail me a blank message and I reply you with an attachment containing the document
2006-07-25 10:52:05 · update #1
so far its good but thats not the end ritee??
2006-07-25 09:56:43 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Its good, but you need to hire a proofreader or an Editor.
For example, "sometime" should be "Some time". There are also too many adjectives in some places and not enough in others. You have run on sentences, and fragment sentences.
Ther should be a semi colon instead of a comma, between Shinook and This mans name.
Grammar and Punctuation are not your strong suits, but creativity IS. To make your book the best it can be, just be aware of this, and hire someone to proofread and edit it. I think you would be a great author if you just remain aware of your shortcomings and ask for help.
Good Luck, by the way. Dr Seuss went through 26 publishers before he got published- and look at him now, lol. All the best.
2006-07-25 10:50:05 · answer #2 · answered by ♥ Krista ♥ 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Crunk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I dig this kind of stuff. Do you really have a copyright on this material? Man, I've got to read this whole thing. What happen to Lloyd? Maybe you should make Lloyd more modern, man. I don't like medieval stuff so much. What if he lived in some sort of post-apocalyptic city. Like Mad Max II and stuff. You seen that? For a white aussie that man was pretty tight. Xekester, you got skills, but I'd like a more realistic setting. Know what I mean? You're definitely representin' though.
2006-07-25 13:52:20 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds a little bit like a children's story, not really anything for adults. It just sounds like it's going to turn out to be silly - I think the names contribute to this. Shinook??
2006-07-25 10:30:03 · answer #4 · answered by K 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
yea, its pretty good. needs more disciption for what the enviroment has to offer and also what is going on. Over all it is novel material. When you describe more it will make you story longer and you will have a bigger book :)
2006-07-25 09:58:53 · answer #5 · answered by Japan_is__home 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
MEDIUM BAD: ONE OF YOUR MISTAKES IS THAT YOU SHOULDN'T REPEAT THE NAMES TOO MUCH (UNLESS THIS IS A CHILDREN'S STORY THEN IT'S LOOKING GOOD...AND I'M NOT KIDDING AT ALL!) ANOTHER IS THAT YOU NORMALLY INTRODUCE THE CHARACTER/HERO OF THE STORY IN SMALL INTRO GIVING OUT SOME INFO FOR THE READER TO GET TO KNOW HIM (AGAIN IF IT'S NOT A CHILDREN'S STORY!)
2006-07-25 09:58:49 · answer #6 · answered by Diablous 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds good. Writing is hard and will require editing and revisions. Don't get discouraged.
2006-07-25 11:44:41 · answer #7 · answered by The Big Shot 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Horrible writing...not very imaginative or descriptive. Your grammar stinks and punctation is embarrassing and spelling is horrible.
2006-07-25 09:59:20 · answer #8 · answered by akebhart 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
not my kind of reading...but it's ok. Keep writing. Writers are cool.
2006-07-25 09:57:14 · answer #9 · answered by =) 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Don't give up your day job, Arthour.
2006-07-25 09:58:39 · answer #10 · answered by Norman 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋