We're newlyweds, husband gained weight, and I'm not attracted to him physically. What should I do?

Question

My husband and I have been married for less than a year. When we were dating and were engaged (a year total), we loved to work out together. My husband was extremely fit and handsome, and I was attracted to him physically. I love him more than anything in this world, but I am not as attracted to him anymore since he has gained 60 pounds in the 9 months we've been married. I keep myself in great physical condition in order to keep him attracted to me, but he has completely let himself go. Instead of dressing up, he wears ratty clothes, he doesn't take care to make sure his hygiene is good before he tries to make love to me like he used to, etc. Now, as newlyweds, we are only being intimate once a month or so!

I feel terrible, and this is definitely putting a strain on our marriage. I have tried to cook healthful food, and workout with him but he ends up eating junk food at work and packing on more weight.

How should I approach this?

PS- No, I'm not going to leave him! I would appreciate if you have something mean to say, you shouldn't say it here. I'm looking for advice on how to talk to my husband, and NO I didn't marry him for his looks! I just feel intimacy is a big part in a relationship, and we don't have that right now! And we're not planning on having kids, so quit the "you'll be fat" jokes.

Answer 1

Wow, how superficial is our marriages these days. We proclaim to LOVE someone yet willing to break our vowels over something insignificant as this.
It is your husband that made a bad choice is picking a mate for LIFE!
He should have picked more carefully.

Answer 2

First of all, I'm really sorry. I am the guy in this relationship, only to a lesser degree. I have only gained about 15 pounds, but my wife has noticed. I wish I could give you a magic word or something that would just fix it, but the best I think I can do is tell you what my wife does (did) to help me to get off my butt and work out. She simply told me, "you need to work out." she wasn't mean about it at all; on the contrary, she said it in a lot more of a concerned tone of voice, concerned for my health, both mental and physical. The physical health thing is understandable, but she was also concerned with how i felt about myself. No matter what anyone says, if you have been healthy and attractive before, becoming unhealthy and unattractive is not cool. I went a little way down that road, and I know that I was disgusted with myself seeing a spare tire forming on my midsection. So my bet is that he doesn't like the fact that he is getting fat, but he doesn't like the idea of getting up earlier to work out, or buying an exercise machine, or whatever. It's tough. But also, one thing that might help is to create a situation where he would know that ratty clothes and bad hygiene really wouldn't fly, and then compliment him on his cleanliness (like maybe find a nice restaurant to go to, or go to a dressy event like a ballet or something, anything that requires more formal clothing and grooming). Basically reinforce the idea that you love it when he is clean, and he should get it that you therefore don't like it as much when he is dirty and wearing ratty stuff. Good luck! I hope that he understands that he owes it to you to take care of himself. If you talk to him about it, then he won't have any excuses. But if you don't tell him how you feel, he could always say that he didn't know. Again, I hope all works out well. I can really identify with this, and so you can be assured that my wish is sincere.

Answer 3

I think you both have a problem!! He has really let himself go, I wonder why, 60 pounds in 9 months is a ton, This could be a health problem. You on the other hand, dont really love him, if its all about his physical appearance. You have to remember now that looks will fade, and when yours do, you might not be so pretty anymore either. Thats not to say he shouldnt take care of himself though. Ask him whats caused the sudden change, maybe he will open up and tell you!

Answer 4

Oh wow tough question. I've been married for a little over a year. Talk to your husband...let him know how you feel, being intimate is important in a marriage. Try this...be surprising...spice it up, do different stuff...make advances...if he doesn't perk up, then try something new. Talk with him, find out what he likes, tell him how you feel. I can't stress this enough. But let him know that you are still beautiful and marrying you was the best thing he ever did. Many times guys don't feel like they have anything to shoot for now that they have "got the girl" let your husband know that he is still the king of his castle but he won't be that way for long if he doesn't shape up...when he wants it you won't. I hope this made some type of sense.

Answer 5

I think if you loved him as much as you say you do, the weight gain wouldn't be that big of a problem.

He is your husband, and if you plan on staying married throughout your lives, you need to get used to changes. What would you feel if you became pregnant and couldn't lose all of the baby weight after it was born and he no longer found you attractive? I'm sure that would hurt you deeply.

I know that he may not look like the same man you married, but the physical changes are going to continue throughout time. I also think you should be more worried about the affects on his health than his looks.

Answer 6

So did you marry him just for his looks? True attraction lies not in the physical world but resides entirely within the heart. You should tell him exactly how you feel. I cannot express to you in words how much open communication means in a marriage.

So if the tables were reversed and you were grotesquely disfigured in a car accident or a fire, would he feel the same toward you? How about the same thing for him. If he were as fit and attractive as he was when you were married, and something like that happened, would you loose interest in the person who you obviously love for nothing more than a petty physical trait or loss thereof?

If that's the case, I think you should seriously re-consider your feelings for him and the entire motive behind your marriage. Most marriages that are based on the outward appearance of one of the spouses, always fail. Marriages shouldn't be like this. They should be based on love and therefore beyond petty things like physicality.

Answer 7

He's gained 60 pounds in less than a year ? Sounds like it could be a health issue. Call the Doctor and see what he thinks. From what you are saying, the weight problems may be causing some depression issues also. I am not a doctor or nurse but I would have him seen about.

Answer 8

With honesty and sincerity. You can't hide how you feel from him in order to spare his feelings. He has the right to know how you feel. How would you feel being kept in the dark about something like this? It sounds a bit insensitive to me the way you phrased your concerns. I'm sure there is no reason your husband would want to feel unattractive to you. You need to sit down and just tell him how you feel. If he is so badly hurt, that the relationship becomes too rocky, maybe you two got married for the wrong reasons in the first place.

Answer 9

I think you should remember why you married this man. You shouldn't have married him if it was only on the basis of his looks. Someday we women are going to be covered in stretch marks, have saggy t*ts, and we'll have a few more wrinkles and grey hairs than we would like to admint. Real love should last no matter what, unless the person actually changes (meaning their personality, etc).

If you are worried about his health, try to motivate him to work out with you. Get a membership to a gym, try to help him develop healthy eating habits.

Answer 10

I have never been attracted to my current husband but what I loved about him was the way he treated me - like a queen and his love for the Lord. You cannot marry someone based on physical attraction because that fades and sometimes quickly. Rekindle to love by remembering what you love about each other and like I always say..."beauty is a light-switch away". Love covers a multitude of faults...

Answer 11

I agree with "foxy" above. Gentle honesty is the answer. A marriage doesn't mean things will always be perfect, but it is a commitment between two people to work out their problems TOGETHER, each sacrificing for the good of the whole. You should keep that in mind and so should he.