I'm unhappy with my wife's appearance, is there a solution?

Question

My wife and I are religious, so we waited until after marriage to have sex. We were madly in love for 4 years, and then got married. It turned out that though her face is beautiful, her body is quite the opposite! I knew she was a little heavy, but she had said that she was going to lose weight. Now she turned out a lot fatter than I imagined, and no longer wants to lose weight. She has big saggy breasts that look like my mothers. It's really hard for me to be sexually attracted to her. Is there anything I can do about this?

I know it shouldn't be this important, but I had big hopes, and it seems like they are all shattered. To never be able to see and touch a beautiful woman as long as I live, that's a very difficult thing to accept as a man!

Was said: "And what sort of supermodel body are you bringing to the table?" -- I do a lot of bodybuilding, and I don't think I look bad. I have a bit of a belly, but I'm working on that; I am doing regular workouts. She however, has so far refused to do anything I suggest. I don't nag her, I try to set an example for her by showing her my diet and exercise programs, but she only finds them amusing and doesn't follow the idea.

Answer 1

You need to constantly compliment your wife and tell her how beautiful she is. The better she feels about herself the better she will want to look. She isn't happy either or she wouldn't be gaining weight.

Answer 2

My husband and I have a very open relationship and he knows if there is something I'm doing or not doing he can tell me. As far as having an ugly vagina, I'm curious as to what your wife is supposed to do about that to conform to your standards of a "pretty" vagina. If you are thinking about leaving either tell your wife or just do it. The thought has obviously crossed your mind a time or two if you're wondering how long it would take. I am a woman, obviously, and I would say that if something bothers you that much, find your wife on a good day and just tell her there are some things that have been bugging you that you'd like to discuss with her. Don't preach or make it sound like you have a list of things because that will put her on the defensive. Pick the top two or three things that you'd like her to work on. Don't expect immediate results. Also, to make it fair you should ask her if there's honestly anything she would like you to work on. Marriage is compromise and you can't expect her to be the only one to adhere to the appearance standards. It's not fair to your wife or your marriage if you don't talk about it first. If she won't agree to at least work on some appearance issues then you can start thinking about your options. Hope this helped even though I'm not a guy.

Answer 3

Well you're right......this should NOT be the important issue here.....you love your wife no matter what her physical appearance is, that's what matters. I'm sorry, but what are you going to do when you two are like 65 years old and both of you are old and wrinkley and either of you are sexually appealing as you once were???? Is that reason to give up on a relationship?? If you are really that concerned about her weight then mention to her about going to work out at a gym together and do it religiously. Sign up for nutrition classes and go together, that way you can diet and exercise. Walk the dogs together. There are a lot of things you can be doing together as a team and will help you bond more as well. Maybe she is depressed or sad or has some type of medical condition that has made her gain weight. Have you ever stopped to think about that? Obviously you need to wake up and smell the roses mister and think about all the wonderful things you would not have if your wife were not in your life and be thankful for the relationship you have. Your wife is already a beautiful person....you just have to look harder....beauty is only skin deep.

Answer 4

You know what irks me the most about some of these answers? it's that they come from people who've never been in your situation and they think they're high and mighty and know everything. We see alcoholism as a problem, but heaven forbid you suggest that someone has a weight problem that needs to be brought back under control cuz you'll be raked over the coals for being the "insensitive shallow guy".
Look, I know what you're going through because I AM there, and probably way ahead of you.
They say "oh, why don't you talk to her... or go to the gym together, or buy a bike"... Wanna know the truth? it won't make a difference. The exercise equipment is sitting there unused, the bike is sitting there, the gym we can't afford (maybe we could if we cut out the junkfood but don't dare try to do that because then you're "evil and controlling"). The playground (for the kids) is a 5 minute walk away from home (2 min bike ride), but she has to drive even there, God forbid, she might have to make an extra step.
There really isn't much you can do about it pal unless she decides she really really wants to change.
Been there, done that, getting more angry and more depressed about it just thinking about the hospital bills that our little retirement account (barely anything in there) will be spent on. It's unbelievable how she will buy me stuff to try to make me happy when the one thing that would make a huge difference (losing weight) wouldn't cost her anything and she would benefit from it for the rest of her life.
Whatever you do, don't deny her your love. That's wrong. But don't pretend this doesn't bother you either, because it will backfire.
Ladies out there, if your man is getting angrier while you're getting obese (and I don't mean a little flab, but 100 lbs over) quit worrying about the symptoms (anger, swearing) and deal with the cause: having to watch his spouse get bigger and unhealthier with no hope in sight.
Call me shallow, but we're human and we have a body wired in such a way that for us looks (and I don't mean sexy anorexic model looks, but healthy woman looks) are important.
Security is important for most women. That's just as shallow. What if I just decided to quit my stupid job because it's too much work and I'd rather watch tv and eat twinkies?
Why did my wife marry me (an engineer)? and why didn't she marry a starving artist?... because engineers tend to have fairly stable well paying jobs. Isn't that shallow?

Answer 5

Well, I can understand your feelings of disappoinmtent. But let me play the'Devil's Advocate for just a minute...

What if...
she's unhappy with you because you don't measure up sexually? Or your approach to lovemaking isn't as romantic and as sensitve as she dreamed it would be?

One of the harsh realities of life is that no one can really measure up to anyone else's idealized standard of what they believe a relationship should be, or how a person should look.

If you dated your wife for some time, there must have been some awareness on your part in regards to her size. I feel that your biggest issue isn't that she's heavier than you had expected.

I feel it centers on your concern that if she's this size now, what is she going to be like in a few years, when she might poentially gain even more weight and become even less attractive to you?
I also feel that you are concerned with the fact that she has shown no desire to diet or lose weight, which can also cause health issues for her eventually.

I hate to say this, but you are really going to have to "bite the bullet on this one", and be cpmpletely honest with her, but please try to use diplomacy. She will be angry, and she will be hurt, and will probably cry, but don't think that for one minute she doesn't know she's overweight.

Believe me...she does. Once she has calmed down, you might want to reassure her of your love and offer to support her in any way possible..
WHEN she decides she is ready to lose weight.
By not pressuring her, that may give her just enough motivation to start trying to take the pounds off.

Good Luck~*

Answer 6

You're religious? And you're that critical of someone's appearance, especially your wife's? If it's that important that she look better, then maybe you should try to help her. Maybe she's miserable and uses food as a stress relief. Talk to her about it. Offer to help around the house. After dinner, go for walks. Go bike riding on the weekends. Adopt a healthy lifestyle, both of you. Tell her how proud of her you are. Let her know that her health is important to you. And if you could wait four years to have sex, then you must really love her. Trust me, having a beautiful woman is not what life is all about. It's about loving someone so unconditionally that you wouldn't know what to do without them. If you're concerned about her weight, help her. If you're feeling sorry for yourself because you're not with some supermodel, then you need to get over yourself.

Answer 7

If you're so religious, isn't there something about love in 1 Corinthians? Like:

4 Love is patient and kind;
it is not jealous or conceited or proud;
5 love is not ill-mannered or selfish or irritable;
love does not keep a record of wrongs;
6 love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth.
7 Love never gives up; and its faith, hope, and patience never fail.
8 Love is eternal.

Hmmmm...sounds like you don't have very much faith or patience when it concerns your wife. Try having a talk with her, and I would hope you would be concerned about her weight for health reasons rather than simply the physical attractions. Marriage is making a commitment to love each other "until death do you part" not "until you lose weight and get a face lift." This is a really shallow attitude for someone who claims that he is "religious." Granted, I am automatically assuming that you're referring to the Christian religion, so correct me if I'm wrong.

If you truly love your wife, then you would think she was beautiful both inside and out. It sounds to me like you need a good dose of counseling - both individual and couples'. Otherwise, I would look up what it says in your "good book" about love, marriage and especially divorce, because that's where you're headed if you keep thinking such vile thoughts.

Answer 8

Wow that's a big problem. Ithink the best thing that you can do is tell her how you feel. Let her know that you love her very much but your just not comfortable with her physical appearance. Offer to go to the gym with her, encourage to join bally fitness or one of those group things, I know it seems like a hard thing to do but think about its either that or be unhappy for the rest of your life.

You also said you were religious before doing anything talk to God about it first and pray to him to help to give you the strength and the courage cause I'm sure he too doesn't want you to be unhappy. Pray about it. And I'm sure your wife loves you and wants to please you and she will be hurt but will probably do anything to satisfy you and make you happy.

Answer 9

Ask her to join a gym with you and you can work-out together. This way she thinks you just want to lose weight or get in better shape and want her there with you. If you can afford it, get a personal trainer at the gym and tell them what you want you wife to work on. If she doesn't want to go, and if you just can't take it, tell her. I am a women and I don't think there is anything wrong with a man wanting his wife to be beautiful! I don't care if people think this is awful or misogynist. Women can't stop complaining about men, so men should have their turn.

Answer 10

Beauty doesn't last forever. One day everyone will be old and wrinkly and unattractive but that won't change who they are. If you married her without loving everything about her, then it's unfair to her.

To work out any marital problems takes time and communication. Talk to her, until she realizes how serious the subject is, she won't let herself change. It is very hard for anyone to lose weight, have patience with her. Support her but don't push her, that is if she agrees to work at it. Otherwise, maybe it's best you leave her because it sounds like you will be on the road to infedility if she doesn't change.

Answer 11

I'm an atheist and I believe in test driving something I'm going to keep for a long time. This is another example of how religion can hurt someone with false advertiseing. Sorry for your luck. Plus, you just can't marry someone who is heavy and expect to get a skinny wife. We usually only gain weight as we age.