Why do couples stay married "for the children" if they are miserable?

Question

If you are both miserable, why is it OK to subject your children to it every day? Do you honestly believe that children are more OK with you being together and miserable than with you separated but happy?

I too believe that marriage is a sacred bond, but if you really are miserable.... I mean miserable, not little bumps along the road, but MISERABLE, can't stand to be in the same room miserable, can't look at each other any more miserable. How is that good for the children? All that teaches children is that a normal relationship consists of 2 people that can't stand one another.

You all really believe that forcing the children to live in a miserable environment is good? I listened to my parents scream at one another as I tried to sleep at night. I saw the pain in my mother's eyes every time my father said or did something hateful. I saw the pain in my father's eyes when my mother said bad things about him. That's the kind of miserable I am talking about. Relief came when they finally split up. Yeah, it sucked. Yeah, I wished they could have worked things out, but when it isn't going to happen, why do people think it is OK for their children to grow up in that environment? That's my question.

I agree that if there options available to attempt to fix the problem, they should be used, but if one or both are unwilling to investigate those options, I really don't see the point.

Answer 1

Divorce *always* impacts the kids at some level. You can't avoid it.

That being said, the last study I've seen (by a woman researcher whose own parents had divorced) concluded that:

1. A divorce is probably better than an a violent / openly antagonistic marriage. (i.e., the fighting does more damage).

2. Remaining married is better for the kids than divorcing if the strife is all low-key and/or the parents can operate smoothly together despite not feeling "in love" with each other.

3. A happy marriage, obviously, is the best.

I think staying married just for the kids isn't the greatest attitude; the parents have to decide to try to love the other person, even when it hurts, and modify their attitude to be other-centered rather than focused on their own concerns.

But this is often very difficult, and both spouses need lots of support to make it. Change doesn't happen overnight.

Answer 2

Honestly, I think that the reason many couples stay together when it gets tough, is because they are always hoping it will eventually get better. I think that in some situations, it might be best if the parents split..for instance in your case, only you would know which way it was better for you. I also think that it is best to always exhaust every possible effort to stay together, because divorce is really hard on kids too. They can't have both parents 24/7 anymore. Life becomes more about time limits and scheduled visits ...and that is something children can never get back. The other thing is that the parents themselves feel like divorce would be too hard...no one who cares at all about their children are going to want to have to start seeing their kids a lot less because of what the court papers say..and many times this causes sooo many more problems, and so parents continue to stay together out of fear of the children suffering, out of fear that they will not see their children enough, and continue to live in hope that things will get better, and sometimes they do.

My husband and I had problems at one time and we nearly split up, BUT we got counseling, and our marriage is better than ever now. Our children are very happy, and I am so glad we worked it out.

I am not saying that your opinion is wrong...not at all...I think in your situation it was actually best. I also think that in a home where there is a lot of abuse going on, and there is no hope for it to get better...then it is best for the kids. BUT, it's not easy either way. I'm sorry to hear that things were so bad for you...and am glad to hear that this was the best thing for you. Take care!

Answer 3

I think that people try to stay together for the children to keep some sort of family unit for them. Kids ideally want their family to be together no matter what because they don't always understand the depth of adult problems. I personally have stayed in a long term marriage despite being a target of verbal and emotional abuse. I have been miserable for a long time. I see how it is affecting my children because he hollers and calls me names directly in front of them and they are only 6 and 4 years old. I am in the process now trying to get on my feet so that I can move on to a better, more peaceful life. I know that my children will be happier with us being apart and happy than being miserable together.

Answer 4

They honestly think that they are doing what is best. Out of love..but I read everything you wrote and I agree with you. My brother and I were the reason that my Mother stayed married. I am 44 years old, and I can't hardly look at her sometimes because I feel so quilty. I know I didn't do it, but I am one of the main reason that she stayed and had a miserable life. So, those parents out there that stay aren't doing some kids any good, if they grow up wishing that they were never born because they made the sweetest woman on earth miserable everyday of her life. My brother and I both suffer from major cases of depression-wonder why? He is on his 3 marriage, and I am in one that needs major repairs. So, yes she did what she thought was best-but I don't think so..I wished she had left and we ate pork and beans for the rest of my life. As long as she had a smile on her face...... God bless us all.............

Answer 5

Marriage is tough, that's fact. When you stood before God, family, and friends and made those vows you were locked in. Except for fornication, there is no right to divorce. No one ever said marriage is a bed of roses. There are good times and there are most certainly bad. But if you only dwell on the bad and never seek to make things better, how in the world would you expect for things to ever get better? They wouldn't. Staying together for the children is good. It's also good opportunity to work things out. Be good examples for the children.

Answer 6

Staying married for the children, common problem in many marriages. I personally couldnt do it, experience, and didnt. But I did find that my children were better off not being in a family that was having problems as bad as mine so I made that difficult choice and went my own way.
My children are better off with the way our lives are now than hearing how mommy and daddy fight all the time and eventually the only ones being hurt are the children. They are more resilliant to parents being apart than watching mom and dad fight and be miserable.
They see the misery even when we do our best to keep it from them. They seem to sense it somehow.

Answer 7

sometimes you just can't up and leave a marriage, you have to think about all the stuff that happens after you leave someone
and how is your life going to be without that person in your life.
When kids and property and money is involved it takes time and
planning to make the right move.

Answer 8

Because they're putting their children first, like they should.

Besides, couples who divorce usually aren't any happier anyway...why make the children miserable too?

Answer 9

probably cause the two adults are using the child as band-aid to fix what can not be fixed in the marriage and dont seperate for fear of admitting failure.

Answer 10

Because children need to see their parents in a loving relationship and their are ways to become unmiserable. (If you loved each other once you can do it again.)