What's wrong with me?

Question

I was married to a man for six years. We had two children together in that time. We got a divorce, and I met someone else and got remarried. I've never been so happy in my life, but my kids were miserable. So I divorced my husband and went back to my kids father. My kids are totally happy now and glad that we are a family again. I know that I'm doing the right thing for my children, but I'm so unhappy. Thier father is a good guy, and he really does love me. I can't stop thinking about my ex. Will I ever get over him? Is it fair to my kids dad to remarry him when I'm in love with someone else? Do I just wait until my kids are grown (my youngest is three) and then try and find happiness again? No smart remarks please, I'm really miserable here.

My ex has said that he still loves me and will do whatever it takes to get me back.

Answer 1

I am so sorry you are going through this dilemma. What you are doing is admirable for your children, but look at what you are doing to yourself. I think you should never have left the man you were happy with. Your children would have adapted eventually, but now it would turn thier lives completely and totally upside down if you left the biological father now. Had you just left well enough alone I bet things would have smoothed out between the man you are in love with and the kids. But no need to kick yourself, what's done is done. If you are so miserable with the dad of your kids they will eventually see this and you certainly cannot be the best mom you can be if you are miserable as hell. You do not have to wait until they are adults to be happy. You may be a mom but you are also a human being and a woman who deserves happiness. You already sacrfice everything fory our kids but you do not have to give up your happiness. Yes, I understand 100% you putting your kid's happiness above your own, but there has to be a stopping point. Allowing them to have enough control to make you leave the man you love and go back to the man THEY love is crossing the line. You certainly aren't teaching them that they cannot rule your life. You are in control, not your kids. Kids are more resiliant and adaptable than we give them credit for. I mean they will still see their dad for crying out loud. It is also not fair to your kid's father to be with him if you are not in love with him and you are wanting another man. You will be a better and more attentive mom if and when you are happy. Also, you don't want to run the risk of resenting your kids and thier dad and him resenting you. Your kids are gonna love you no matter what. A child's love is unconditional. They may not be happy with you initially, but they will get over it and they will be happier when you are happier. You have alot to think about, but I recommend you make yourself happy. Life is too damn short to be miserable. Your kids will be okay!!!!!!!!! Their dad deserves to be with someone who is gonna love him truly, too. Be fair to everyone and make yourself happy in the process, it is possible.

Answer 2

You are miserable because you do not understand yourself. It seems unlikely that at a time when you were never so happy in your life, your children were terribly unhappy. Those two things can't both be true. So, you either projected feelings onto your children that weren't there or you placed yourself in a situation that you really weren't ready for or comfortable with.

And you seem to have done it again. By going back to your first husband, you've again made a decision that makes no sense for you based on how you feel you "should" act.

The time has come to stop playing around and start figuring out who you are, what you want and why you are keeping yourself from having it. Find a good therapist today and ask her (or him) the same question: why do I keep making the same mistakes?

The answer may take a year or more but you and your children will be happier for it.

Answer 3

Are you nucking futs?
I wonder why your kids were so miserable with your new husband.
Either
1. respect your first husband and let him see the kids anytime.
2. find a mate that can make you happy that will also love your kids.
3. don't live a lie for the sake of the kids, because sooner or later you will stray and then you will be the bad parent for cheating.
OR
1. stay with the first husband and appreciate the fact that he is a good person and he loves you in fact if this is true he is probably willing to be the man that you want him to so work on building a good relationship and enjoy the benefits that come from it. The grass is not greener on the other side.

Answer 4

As a mother, Im inclined to tell you that you have to make you happy as well as your children. There are alternatives to your situation and it does not require you to be unhappy to see that your children are happy. There is a catch though. It would require that your childrens father would have to learn to be there for them as well as your decision to have another spouse. You can be friends, or at least civil to the father and he you, in order to make it work.
Im in a situation that was like that and had to make better choices. One question that I had to ask myself was, Would my children be happy if they really knew how unhappy I was? Its a hard one to face but a needed one.
You also have to decide how much time the two of you, their father and you, can tollerate being around each other. Even if it is for the kids, you still have to take into consideration the events leading up to the divorce and if that is what you want again and the things that went on in your life with the new, now ex.
We cant let our children make our life decisions regardless of how young or old they are. My older daughter tried making mine for me till I realized the only thing that she really wanted was for her father and I to be together again. Something that wasnt going to happen. I did find a way that my kids had a lot of time with both of their parents. It works for us...
good luck...

Answer 5

First of all you should have never remarried your children's father... yes the children may have been unhappy but given time they would have come to accept the situation... because eventually you will be so miserable that they will pick up on this and it will affect how they function... how they come to view relationships... I'm really sorry for your situation... it is a bad one... but not being true to yourself will end up hurting everyone in the long run.

Answer 6

Wow, that's intense. I don't think that it was unfair for the kids because you found happiness--I find it unfair that you are unhappy for the kids. I understand that you want your children happy but, your kids need to understand that you're not. It's unfair to you on so many levels and you don't deserve to be unhappy, no one deserves that, regardless of your situation.

My mother got a divorce when my twin and I was four and after wards, when she would try to move on and start dating, my twin and I always disapproved because he wasn't our father--even when we knew that my mother was hurt in some way in her past marriage, we still didn't care. So, she did what she had to do. She waited til' my twin and I were adults and on our own to get re-married.

She choose the lesser of two pains. What would you rather have?

A family, everyone woman's dream. To have a great husband, wonderful children, a lovely house but, you're undeniably miserable or, deciding to try the single life for awhile til the timing is just right for you to move on?

As long as your childrens father visits them on a regular shecdule and their home life with you is stable (which I'm positive it is), they should be fine. Children need both their parents but, sometimes you don't have to live together to accomplish that. Keep him in their lives and you in theirs and everyone should work out.

Answer 7

I think your lost, and unfare to your self, your ex, your husband and your kids. You sound like a very self centered person. What can benefit for you? Listen, I have been married twice my first was 7yrs and present 9 yrs. I was in love in my first and we divorced. I left it with that. We also had 4children together. Regardless if your children were saddened by this you should have stayed with your ex and let the kids learn to live with it. Its too bad that people like yourself are caught up in themselves. For your kids I understand but your just a player playing two people. If I was either one of them I wouldn't have nothing to do with you. I'm sorry, but this question is way over rated. All I have to say is I hope you get your head together and put your foot down on what you want in life...
Out!

Answer 8

You should have stuck to your guns in the first place...You left their Dad for a reason, and the kids would have been fine if you were, you just didn't give them enough time. If your happy they will be. Your sacraficing your happiness for theirs, I know we all do at times but this is your life your talking about, and I for one think it's wrong for the kids to witness their parents in an unhappy relationship, maybe even more harmful than leaving. They are young, not dumb, and no matter how much you think your hiding it, they know. Think of how bad they will feel when they get older and they realize you sacraficed the love of your life for them? They will feel so guilty. Seeing a happy healthy relationship is better for them than seeing a strained fake one any day.

Answer 9

To be honest marriage is up to you not your children. One day your children will realize what you did for them and either think you made a bad decision or thank you for doing what you thought was best for them. You say you are MISERABLE and you obviously love your children a great deal so why have them be raised by a miserable mother? Your pain will get worse over time. I wish nothing but the absolute best for you and your family!

Answer 10

I think that always the kids are important, but you can't be setting a good example. Not being in love with the person you're married to is not ideal for you. You are a person with feelings and your feelings matter just as much as your kids. Maybe you should talk to them and let them know how you feel, your kids dad too. He should be able to respect your feelings, I know I would not want my husband to stay with me if he wasn't happy and just for the kids sake. If you're not happy, it's going to show. I think it would be best for everyone to know what was going on in your head.