Should I involve my husband's parents regarding his alcohol abuse?

Question

I have a wonderful husband who has had a drinking problem for most of our marriage.He drinks 4-5 beers a day during the week and more on weekends. He is never mean and his drinking has never affected his job. He does, however, drive sometimes after drinking, which could land him in jail or worse, affecting all of us. I want to stay married and am willing to stick it out as long as he gets help. He doesn't see that he has a problem and is reluctant to get the help he needs. I know you're not supposed to force someone into treatment, but I'm afraid our children are approaching an age where they'll be affected by his drinking. As a mother, I can't allow that. I think it might help if someone else in the family talked to him so he'll know his problem is noticeable to others and I'm not just being a prude. I've always tried to keep marrital issues personal, but I'm considering involving his parents in an effort to save my marriage. Has anyone else had to face this? What was the outcome?

Answer 1

I had a wife who was alcholic...and nothing changes them until THEY decide to change. As to involving his parents....yes, if they mentioned that it bothers them...No if either of them drink a lot.... Many people see drinking as a social release... They forget it may be a problem... especially while driving. Make an agreement with your husband that after 4 beers... you will drive home!!!!

Answer 2

I understand your concern but technically he does not have a drinking problem. I say this from a clinical view, AA and rehab would have nothing for him. What he has now is a bad habit and we all have them. Yes it can become an addiction and a problem but it hasn't yet so don't make a mountain out of a mole hill.

Involve his parents only as a last resort and only if you are certain they will agree with you and help. At this point it would just be more pressure of nagging and that won't help. Worse yet they may tell you to back off which means that you will be reluctant to go to them for help in the future should this become a real addiction and you need serious help. Usually involving your inlaws has a bad outcome. Even if you are certain they'll agree they either don't or they do and you get accused of damaging their relationship with their son later.

I think your best bet right now is to compromise with him. You agree to not nag him about his drinking so long as he agrees to 1) never drive after drinking 2) not drink more than he already does. Discuss your concerns about how this influences the children. It will influence them and they are more likely to become drinkers however you being critical of him and the two of you arguing in front of them would be much more damaging so you have to avoid that first and foremost.

As far as personal experience and outcomes, you really can't compare one family's dynamics to another they are all different. I can tell you I have had a lot of experience with both drinkers and serious alcoholics and you can't force a change on anybody. The more you try the worse it gets. The influence usually has to come from outside, like the law. It may sound harsh but if he gets behind the wheel drunk you can call in an annynomous tip to the police. He will get a fine and a little blemish on his record and may have to go to a few meetings but that's it for one offense and it will really get him thinking.

Answer 3

I dont see why you would involve the parents...he is an ADULT, the stage where you flee from your parents taking on full adult responsibility, If it is against his will then he wont stop. If h3e hasnt came to his parents i dont think you need to do it for him...and if you havent noticed people can get a lil violent when stress when under the influence ya know lol., I think what you need to do is step it up a lil bit more as a disciplinary figure and a consulting figure. As you said "As a mother i cant allow that". His parents may be the same way but they can not do anything other than you can about it if YOU yourself cant help, or someone like a mother or something cant. Lay down the law in this thing, usually children help. if you tell ANYONE it is only best that you tell there parents, but still that may be taking a risk to put his business out there to people other than his parnets like if you saw that movie fight club remember Brad Pitt was like "I see alot of new faces...which means that most of you have broken the first rule of fight club"...and if you havent seen the movie the rule was "Dont tell people about fight club". Talking things out on an individual level and not coming at a person like your the Police always helps to ease and get the best reaction after people...maybe after making love lol i dunno and im kind of serious on that part..a time that is strees free and all. And that you bring up alchol and how it affects the family, you, and why you want it too stop. Hope this helps.

Answer 4

At this point I'm not sure that he has a drinking problem to the point of him being called an alcoholic..you stated yourself that it isn't affecting any vital part of your lives,and with that being the case, the children cannot be affected by something that is not present, or affecting them. It's as though there's nothing to be concerned with. So no girlie... unless you've neglected to mention something DO NOT put your in laws or any other friend/family member into your personal life, if as I said it's not detrimental to you all, because you will be opening up the doors to hell.. you love him they don't the way you do and he and your relationship will be constantly scrutinized thereafter, trust me, if it's not a problem don't fabricate one! I'm truly not being rude or mean, but it sounds as if you're trying to control something that maybe is not in your forte, but you need to realize that everyone has their own unique way of existing. As long as they are not harming anyone, themselves included, then why try and make them you. Settle down and enjoy your seemingly good husband, and allow him to be afforded that one thing that you two should agree to disagree on. Are you sure that your statement is as your questions are? Um? Well, Good luck okay.

Answer 5

Alcoholism is a family individuals ailment that includes the total nuclear family individuals to be on board, be it the solid cases or undesirable. that's particularly a troublesome question, its very extreme so my options or thoughts are that you pass to a alcoholics nameless assembly and share your tale with those persons and get some comments from the professionals. they have been the position you're and function a extra ideal expertise of the ailment as against everybody else. you also favor to seek help for your self, as you've been without delay affected in strategies better than your husband. i do not doubt you've a spectacular husband, and with help he can be a even extra ideal guy, husband and father. pass locate help, in the present day. :) solid success

Answer 6

First of all just because someone drinks 4-5 beers a day that does not make him alcoholic. Yes there are potential legal problems if he drives after drinking. If his drinking is not having consequences then it is not necessarily problematic. If you are concerned about him drinking and driving I would confront that. If you feel the drinking is problematic you could check out an Al-Anon meeting. You can find a listing in the yellow pages.

Answer 7

I wouldn't involve his parents, or even any of his friends...if he finds out you did he might feel underminded, and that WILL NOT help...he will just get mad about it. Although, I know you probably wouldn't want to see this happen....I suggest...the next time you know he is driving after too many drinks, call the police dept. anonymously and give them the info they need to pull him over....he will probably go to jail for the night and have to pay fines, but it will definitely be cheaper than a funeral, and will hopefully open his eyes to what is going on. You cannot make him stop unless he wants to or feels that he has a problem. Usually something has to "happen" before people with a problem realize they have one. When this happens, be supportive but firm on your feelings about the "incident" and how it affected your children that daddy didn't come home that night.

Answer 8

I have not faced this, and I'm sorry for your stressful situation. I can't help wondering if you might have any friends who are in law enforcement. (We have quite a few.) If so, perhaps one of them might be willing to give him a friendly warning on the potential DUI situation that could get him to at not drink and drive. If you do decide to involve his parents, try to see if you can do it in a way that they can "observe" the situation and comment on it without it looking like you went running to them. If all else fails, you are on the right track to realize that the children's safety and the preservation of your family unit (without a husband sent to jail, or worse) is above all else. Do what you must to protect your children, and deal with everything else that comes up by knowing you've done the best you could with the set of circumstances you were given. Good luck.

Answer 9

My brother had a drinking problem for years almost 30 years and it hurt my mother to know that he had a drinking problem. She would talk to him about it but it didn't seem to do any good. He has (in the past 3 years) cleaned himself up. My mom is no deceased and she didn't see him make that turn around, but it took him going to jail to change him, because like your husband he was not a violent drunk he managed to keep his job and everything but once he was taken to jail for drunk driving he saw that he could go without drinking and he is a much better person because of it.

Good Luck!!!

Answer 10

Hi, when a man find settlement in a beer, most probably he would be facing a difficulty which he is unable to discuss and resolve in the so-called 'normal' manner.

Men of this kind need a lot of attention, love and kindness rather than a scolding atmosphere and more trouble.

If you think you need help, ask for it, but make sure that by involving other people in your situation, you will not be making his pathway worse.