best joke here gets 10 points...........?

Answer 1

A very modest lady applied for a job at the factory where they made "Tickle-me Elmo dolls". It was Friday and almost quitting time and hurriedly the boss told her to report for work on Monday. He quickly explained to her that she would be stationed on the assembly line just before the dolls were packed into boxes.

On Monday they started up the line and within twenty minutes had to shut it down because one worker couldn't keep up. The boss went down the line to find the problem. The new employee was very busy trying to do her part but she had a bunch of dolls waiting for her. Closer examination showed she was sewing little cloth bags containing two walnuts in the appropriate place on the dolls.

The boss could not control his laughter and said, "Lady, I said to give each doll Two----Test----Tickles.

Answer 2

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it
costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light.
An old man on a moped (looking about 75 years old) pulls up next to
him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?" The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!" "That's a lot of money, "says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly. The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?" "No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right ... but I'll stick with my moped!" Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man just
what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh!

Something whips by him, going much faster!!!! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped. Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari he gives it some more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. Whoooooosh! He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again. Astounded by the speed of this old guy he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on him again. The Ferrari is flat out and there's nothing he can do. Suddenly the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out and, unbelievably, the old man is still alive!

He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man whispers with his dying breath, "Unhook...my suspenders from your side-view mirror."

Answer 3

This is first one's true:

A man from Charlotte,north Carolina, having purchased a case of very expensive cigars, insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile, the man filed a claim against the insurance company, stating that the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires".
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued...and won.
In delivering the ruling the judge, agreeing that the claim was frivolous, stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and guaranteed that it would ensure against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire", and was obliged to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires".
After he cashed the cheque, however, the company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

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George Bush finishes a jigsaw puzzle and calls out to his secretary "Hey! i must be a record breaker!"
"Why's that, Mr Bush, Sir?" asks the secretary.
"it only took me 2 months to do this puzzle but on the box it says 2-3 years."

Answer 4

This one is pretty old, but maybe it's time to recycle it:

Two aliens land on earth and just happen to park at an old gas station on a deserted back-road in the middle of the night. Without hesitation they both walk over to a gas pump, and the one alien whips out a mean looking pistol and points it at the pump.
"Take me to your leader earthling!", he commands.
His friend, who is peering over his shoulder just starts shaking his head, and says "Kito, I don't think we should mess with this guy. Let's go pick on the guys from that other planet we went to the other day."
Kito just shakes his head and in a more serious tone says "I'm warning you earthling! This blaster can put out a beam that's five times hotter than your puny sun. Now take us to your leader!"
By this time, the alien's friend is getting really agitated and wringing his hands. "C'mon Kito. Let's just go. This really isn't worth the hassle!"
Kito has had it by this time however. "Okay earthling! I've reached the end of my patience! Die scum!" And with that, he pulls the trigger and of course the gas station blows sky high.
As the aliens are flying through the air, Kito looks at his friend and says "Damn! How did you know?"
To which his friend replies, "Are you kidding? Any guy that can take his penis and wrap it around his ear twice is nobody you want to mess with!"

Answer 5

What's blue and yellow and on the bottom of a pool??
A baby with slashed floaties.

What's better than winning a Gold Medal at the Paralympics??
Being able to walk.

What's the difference between a truckload of bricks and a truckload of dead babies??
You can't unload the bricks with a pitchfork.

Answer 6

A little boy is caught by his mother looking inside the knickers on the little girl next door. His mother shouts 'johnny, be careful there are teeth in there and they will bite you hard!'
Johnny grows up and becomes a dentist. He hasn't formed any relationships with women because he is very shy.
As the years go by he becomes increasingly frustrated and finally succumbs to visiting the ladies of the night... walking up to one he asks how much, she tells him and he asks if they can go back to her place. Once in her room she closes the door and asks if he would like the light on or off. He replied 'on'. She then moves to the bed and lays seductively across it with her legs apart. 'Come over here love', she requests softly. Johnny is writhing with shyness and blurts out 'I can't - there's teeth up there!'
The lady of the night takes her pants off and shows him all saying 'Course there isn't! - Look for yourself. Come on, Look!'.
Johnny slowly moves across to the bed. He gingerly peers between her legs and recoils back saying 'I'm not surprised you have no teeth - look at the state of your gums!

Answer 7

Stevie Wonder on stage in Japan doing a gig, after a few songs he asks the audience if they have a favourite of his they want singing, a little Japanese guy at the front stands up and shouts play a jazz cord, play a jazz cord, Stevie Wonder says to himself what the hell I'll play a jazz cord, he plays a few notes on the piano and asks again if anyone wants a particular song of his singing, the little Japanese guy at the front jumps out of his seat again and says yes, play a jazz cord, this is so bugging Stevie Wonder so he goes back to the piano and tickles the ivories again and stands back up and asks the same question, the little Japanese guy at the front is really getting frustrated now and shouts to Stevie Wonder play a jazz cord, Stevie Wonder is so mad he shoves the mike in the Japanese guys hand and goes no you get up and do it yourself, delighted the little Japanese guy jumps on stage and starts singing............................ I jazz cord to say I love you.

Answer 8

Sadam Hussein is sentenced to death by firing squad. He requests that, as a last wish, he get to choose the squad. OK thought the coalition, can't see a problem with that. 'Well, I'd like to have Gerrard, Carragher and Lampard from 12 yards'

Answer 9

A door to door salesman walks up to a front door and rings the doorbell. A small boy answers the door wearing stockings, suspenders and a bra, and also smoking a huge cigar. The salesman asks the small boy " Are your parents home?" and the boy replies " Does it f*cking look like it!" = D

Answer 10

A Yuppie was standing at the country club bar with a tennis ball stuffed into the pocket of his shorts.
A lil' Yuppette next to him tapped him on the arm and pointed to the bulge and asked, "What's that?"

"Tennis ball." he replied.

"Ohhh ... ouch!" the Yuppette responded grimacing. "I know how that must hurt. I've had tennis elbow before myself."