should I let my daughter spend the night with her dad and stepmom?

Question

He left me while I was pregnant. Married when my daughter was 2 months old. He does see her every other weekend but only during the day. 9am till 8pm My daughter will be 2 in Nov. Her dad and his wife keep pushing for overnights. there is not a court order in place.
I do not know the wife... she refuses to meet me or even speak to me on the phone. however she does email me. She has said in email that she feels like I am a threat to her marriage. We live and work 35 miles from each other. The only time I see my daughters dad is when we meet in a Grocery store parking lot, which is the half way point between our homes for him to pick her up for their visits. The step mom said in an email that sometimes she becomes overwhelmed with emotions when my daughter is visiting them. She stated that she has to leave the room to get herself together. should I let my daughter go for over nights in this situation?

I have asked about meeting Sharon. She refuses. They have been married now a year and half. She says she is not ready to talk to me or meet me and for me to understand. I have seen one photo of her. I refuse to let my daughter go because I feel its just weird that she wont meet me after almost 2years. I want to protect my daughter. Just wanted to see if I was alone in my thinking... Thanks

Answer 1

I would say no. I think that the new wife needs to learn how to deal with you respectfully first. Any animosity among the adults who love her is evident to a child. I think she would be confused at this young age. What kind of emotions are overwhelming her in the presence of your child? Rage....Jelaousy....Envy..?
If she is overjoyed with your child, that should be enough of a common thread for her to want to treat you better. I would really suggest spending some time together, all four of you. See how things go. Observe how the new wife relates to your child. The welfare of your child should be your top priority. Not what might please your ex and his new mate.

Answer 2

In my line of work, I deal closely with the juvenile court system. I am not an attorney. Each state is different so you should check with the courts or an attorney who is well versed in family law.

It is never a good idea to allow your child to spend the night, or even visit, with someone whom you have not met. Regardless of the father's relationship with the other woman, the mother has the right to be able to physically identify a caregiver of her child. Until you have had the opportunity to meet with this woman, you might rethink the length of time she spends with the child. You should also consider how verbal your child is. Can she tell you about her visits? Does she say anything about her stepmother? I wouldn't suggest grilling her with questions, just listen, and ask questions based on what she says. Never take a negative or accusatory tone when speaking of her father or his wife.

I would want to know why the wife gets "overwhelmed with emotions" when the daughter is visiting. Is this something that would hinder her ability to care for your child?

Get yourself a custody order that spells out everything. In some states the details are as specific as to where the child spends birthdays, holidays, and vacations. This type of order could also include child support responsibilities, medical responsibilities, travel restrictions, and anything else that involves the raising of your child. This is for the father's benefit as well. Getting a custody/visitation order will cost money but this is your child's life.

At this point, your child is young and needs attention that is more individual. However, when she gets older and is more independent in her daily activities, you will need a legal document. What would you do if they decided to move out of state and wanted to take your daughter with them? He is the father. Unless you establish the rules now, you will always be on the defensive.

Answer 3

From an outsider looking in I would have some serious concerns about the daughter staying there or having the chance to be alone with this woman (who according to you) has to be a concern. Some basic questions I'd have even if she wasn't the step mom.
A: would you drop your kids off with someone you haven't met?so why would you in this case?
B: If she already has a problem with your child why give her the opportunity to do her any harm?
C: at the very least you need to see what she looks like so in case she is out with your daughter you won't call the cops and say someone has stole your child.

Answer 4

Well, first of all, I'm not a mom or even married. I'm looking at this by the way you described it. There's is not a single reason that you should let your daughter to stay overnight at her dad until YOU are comfortable about it. Hang out with her dad AND his wife all together until you get to know her more and trust to let your daughter to stay with them.

Answer 5

There is no way in hell that i would let that happen. If you have not met the girl and she won't meet with you, then your little girl does not need to be around her, because chances are that she finds your daughter as a threat to her marriage to. you should tell that b**** straight up that your daughter is to damn good to hang around with someone like her because there is no telling when she'll snap. ( If they have something to say get a lawyer)

Answer 6

No you should not let her until you get stuff straight with the stepmom it sounds to me that she don't like you and she may put that to your daughter as bein mean to her are she may even may your daughter turn against you and tell you secerts to the stepmom but thats my quess but do what you think if a right thing oh and i have saw this happen before

Answer 7

I would never let my child spend the night with someone I had not met.