Is it possible to love a Father that sexually used you in every form. I'm told not to. I do anyway?

Question

I am 43 now and it has been years ago. When he died in 2002, I thought I would lose my mind with grief. People have told me to hate him, but right before he died I went to him and forgave him for everything he had done to me. I still sometimes doubt myself about my feelings about it. Anybody that has similar experiences I would like to hear about them. Thank you all in advance for your input on this topic and God bless you.
Deb

Answer 1

you know what no matter what some of the people on here say i think what u did was a great thing especially if he asked for ur forgiveness and he realized now what he did, i know its hard and what he did is in no way excusable and will never be but u at least know that he died with the peace of knowing that his child forgave him, i have no idea how to put into words how what u did also made u a better person in a way it made u let go of the guilt and the pain that he caused u because u know now that he died knowing u were ok and i am really really really proud of u, just because u forgave him it does not mean it was ok and i know u understand that, and it doesnt have to make u love him but u dont have to hate him either, it will jsut hurt u and make u a bitter person so i am realy glad u were able to let go after everything im completely in awe just wow and good luck

Answer 2

You did exactly the right thing. I can't tell you how much I admire your selflessness and courage to forgive your father after what he did to you.
Do not think that you would have any advantage if you hadn't forgiven him. All that would do is force you to continue in your pain and bitterness. Because you forgave before he died you were able to put that poison aside. You acted in your own best interest by forgiving him.
I'm also going to tell you what Jesus himself said about forgiveness: "For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins." Matthew 6:14&15 God has made it a requirement because He knows that bitterness held inside turns into a poison which will eventually destroy the bearers life.
Your grief is not wrong either. I lost my husband through death and even though he had constantly abused me verbally, I still was wracked with grief. Maybe part of it was because of all the "what might have beens" if he had allowed God to change his life before he died but it was bitter grief none the less.
Oh, and, yes, I had a brother who molested me when I was a teen and yes I've forgiven him for it. And, no, I've never regretted forgiving him. He may not be able to appreciate the fact that I forgave him, but it saved my life.

Answer 3

I understand, my father used to beat my mother before she ran away with us when i was five and at age 26 now, i could still remember everything. But I couldn't live with myself if i didn't forgive him. I found out he died 7 years ago and even though i didn't grow up with him i always wished i was able to see him one last time so that he could know that i forgave him a long time ago. It broke my heart knowing that I no longer had that chance. There's a scripture in the bible where Jesus says "how can you expect me to forgive you if you can't even forgive those who trespassed against you." It's a blessing to have been able to forgive your father despite the things he did. As well as it was a blessing that i was able to forgive mine for the things he did. And don't you feel better that you no longer hold that anger within you? It's such a feeling of relief. God bless you too.

Answer 4

You probably forgive him because the feelings he gave you were good ones. They naturally are meant to feel good. What age did he start this? He was a very sick person. If you are asking the question now then you should be seeking counseling, or else you will have these questions the rest of your life. He is gone now, thank goodness or else he might still be hurting young women or worse your children. When you feel better and realize he was way out of line, you might consider helping girls that have your same problem. I know you will heal yourself in helping others to report these sick people to the authorities. I know this is more common then people think. Very best to you-be happy!

Answer 5

Deb what I think your experiencing is the healing power of forgiveness. Society today doesn't place much stock in forgiveness which is probably why we have so many miserable people in this world. Genuine forgiveness heals hearts,minds and bodies. I suspect that's what your feeling. Don't let people tell you how to feel. Anyways, I think it's a natural instinct for people to genuinely forgive others because we intuitively sense that it's a path to healing and growth :) Hope this Helps.

Answer 6

Well I beleive that no matter what a person does you should always forgive them and love them as if they never did anything wrong thats what God did for us. So I believe that you did the right thing and I know it had to of taken alot of courage just to face him again after what he did. I don't know that I could have done a thing like that. But for you to do that will make you a role model for other girls. May God Bless You!

Answer 7

Deb-
God bless you for forgiving him, as hard as it must have been. Hatred and anger really only hurt the person holding onto them, not the person they are directed towards.
Of course it is possible to love your father. If you can justify your love for him, who cares what other people say or think?!
You do not have to justify your feelings towards him to anyone! You are a saint for finding it in your heart to forgive the man, don't you let anyone convince you that you don't love him. Only you know what is in your heart!

Answer 8

What you have done is put closure on what happened to you and kept a positive attitude. It is much easier to go through life with forgiveness than hate. Although I have not had such a tragic experience, I feel you should be proud of yourself in how you feel and don't let anyone else place a seed of doubt.

Answer 9

Deb, You have a gift a lot of people do not have. The gift of forgivness. Judging by the info you gave in your question, you were grief stricken by his death. You chose forgivness over hate. You are to be commended for this. Forgiving somone who did bad things to you as a child is hard. When its sexual abuse, to forgive that is angelic. You have my applause and my prayers for peace in your heart.

Answer 10

thats pretty sad.you should have never forgave the bastard.a man should not treat any women,especailly any of his own offspring that way.men like that need to be put to death.if you let them get away with it ,they will think they can do it again and again.he should have been locked up in jail till the day he died and he should have died alone and unloved.he took something away from you that you will never get back ever.how can you even trust men after that.don't hold back your feelings,everyone who thinks he was a "nice" guy has to be told what kind of person he really was.you owe him nothing.don't grieve for him,just wish him well in hell.cause thats where he ended up/sorry for being so blunt but that really really pisses me off.good luck with the rest of your life.