I live upstairs from my 85 year old dad, he says we need to put some distance between us, How?

Question

He asked me to move here 3months ago because he said he needed help and would will the house to me. I live upstairs and he downstairs. We were what I thought, getting along fine until the other day I cleaned him some tomatoes and he said in a very anger tone, Not to do that for him! Now he came up to tell me we need to put distance between us. We share the same house and yard, how do I do that? He has had a past history of anger and abusive since I was a child, but I had hoped he had changed. What would you do? I am 57 and single and hard to move again.

Answer 1

Well, now he wants you out.....apparently you are destroying his love life.....

Answer 2

Aging can be hard for men because it may signal a loss of independence, which can represent manhood.

His asking for "distance" could be asking for a way to maintain dignity even though he may need help. It may be especially hard to accept help from a child. When you consider some of the "old school" mentality was "I made you and I can break you too". The role reversal may be very uncomfortable.

Two other considerations:
A verbal agreement that he will the house to you means nothing. Get it in writing. Many people are devastated when the death of a parent the cared for reveals they did not allow for promised things in the will. The executer will follow what is written.

Your father has reached a very advanced age. If the outbursts seem sudden, or from out of "nowhere" they may be a sign of a diagnosable disease that is treatable. The common belief used to be that forgetfulness or personality changes were inevitable in old age, we now know they are not. He may need to see a doctor.

If more distance is really what is required try to spend more "free time" apart. Most adults do not spend the bulk of their day home together. Try to keep "work hours" apart. And help him developed a hobby as a work substitute. Possibly related to an activity he did for work, or something he enjoyed as a hobby when he got out more.

For example if he enjoyed fishing but doesn't get out to fish much, he could still make lures at home as a hobby. If he worked as a carpenter he could still do wood burning at home.

Good luck.

Answer 3

Sounds like he might be suffering from a little dementia which is quite possibly given his age. We simply agree with most of what my aunt (same age as your dad) says. The next day or so she has forgotten what she has said. Would it be possible for you to stay upstairs for a couple of days, out of his way or is the house built where you have to go downstairs to get to the kitchen and bathrooms...if so , utilize the kitchen area when he is asleep. Let him think that you are gone and allow him to fend (almost) for himself. Help him in ways that he will not readily notice...let him peel his own tomatoes, he needs to feel independent. All he probably wants is for you to "not" treat him like his is an invalid or a child. Just don't let him do anything that may allow him to harm himself or you. If he feels like he is doing as much as he can , for himself he will feel less dependent on you. That's all we ever want is to be "grown" isn't it? It can't hurt to try and though it may be a little inconvenient it is much cheaper than moving.

Answer 4

I would let him have his space. This not that difficult. Maybe he thinks you are babying him too much. Many elderly people are very proud and don't want people being pushy with them or acting like they can't do stuff. Let him be the boss. It is his house and don't forget that. Just be a little quieter around him and don't do everything for him. He has been used to doing things for himself. Put yourself in His place. Would you like someone babying you in your own house? He is an adult and so are you so you two should be able to handle this if you stay out of each others way. It will be okay. Pray for your father. Aging is not easy--you'll see for yourself some day. Be kind and honor your father and your days will be long.

Answer 5

Just to remind you:
1. When people are getting old, they act like a CHILD
2. You are his child and he thinks still you are baby CHILD
3. you say dad, you are considering yourself still as a CHILD
Do you have favorable environment to bring and discuss logical and mature idea and convince each other? My answer for this is May be. I guess, the dominant concept at you house is CHILD. Adapt a child, watch a movie about a child, visit Church regularly..then things will be okay. Logical and mature discussion will start slowly.
By the way you should also find a partner. Your dad is also worrying about you too. In life there is no perfection! Good luck!

Answer 6

I work with elderly people. One thing that is very important to them is maintaining their independence, for as long as possible. It's probably not that he doesn't want you there, but that doesn't want you to do everything for him. It makes him feel like you're the mother and he's the child.

You're running up against one of the major problems that people with aging parents encounter. How do you take care of them, and yet help them be as independent as possible? I don't know what his physical or mental capabilities are, but I think you need to sit down with your dad and ask him what exactly he expects of you. Let him know you love him and want to help him, but you aren't trying to boss him around.

I think it would also help for you to see if there is an agency in your area who works with the aging. They can help you learn just what your dad is capable of doing for himself, and how you can help him where he needs it, without making him feel like you're putting him in a box. There may even be a support group for caretakers of elderly parents. Or, do a web search.

Answer 7

Give him his space in the house and let him fend for himself.

Answer 8

Start looking for nursing homes... sounds like he is a prick anyways

Answer 9

Ask him when will he be moving?