Good Jokes?

Question

I'm in need of a laugh.

Answer 1

I'll give you a laugh with some of these jokes from the laugh-a-minute joke book.

I hate to get up in the morning. I'd like to climb into a waterbed and never get out untill all of the water is evaporates.

Mom: What time do you want to get up in the morning?
Kid: I don't want to get up in the morning. I'd rathere get up in the afternoon.

I can't wake up in the morning untill i slpash cold water on my face. The only way i can get up in time for school is to sleep in the sink.

My mother says i'm almost impossible to get our of bed in the morning. So she hooked my bed up to the toaster. Now after three minutes i pop out of bed and land on a plate in the kitchen.

My father keeps telling me that the early bird catches the worm. If i get out of bed in the morning, i want something better for it than a worm.

One kid kept complaining about headaches. His father said, How many times do i have to tell you? When you get out of bed in the morning, It's feet first.

My uncle always slept as late as he could. As long as he lived, He never knew there were 2 eight o'clocks in the same day.

Farmers always get up with the cows. If i was a farmer, i'd only buy cows that liked to sleep late.

Let me decribe something to you. It has a bed. a chest of drawers. and everything else in the world. Have you guessed it? It is my bedroom.

We have a kid in our class who is so neat he wears a suit and tie all the time... even when he took a shower.

Boy do i have a tough instructer. She has a black belt in teaching.

You know you are in for a tough year when you show up on your first day of school and your teacher has a Mr, T Haircut.

My sister is a terrible cook. When she cooks a meal, all the flies in the house buzz around the medicine chest.
After one of her meals, i went into the kitchen and saw a cockroach eating a tum.


I hope these made you laugh. there are a whole bunch more in the book i just can't write them all.

Answer 2

One night, big storm comes. A man winds up shipwrecked on a dessert island w/ nothing but a dog, and a sheep. Much time passes. After quite a while the man starts feeling a bit...ah em.. . frisky. He starts eye balling the sheep. He thinks to himself I've heard of such things..... nobody will ever know.... so he drops his pants and approaches the sheep. But the dog goes nuts. Biting at him and pulling him away. This goes on and on for several more attempts but the dog just will not allow this to happen.
One night there's a big storm. The next morning the man finds a beautiful girl laying on the beach. He gives her mouth to mouth and brings her back from the brink of death. The young lady is so grateful she tells the man, 'I'll do anything you want." he says "anything?!?! Thank God!" He screams, 'My prayers have been answered!" He looks deep into the woman's eyes and says..... "Will you hold this F'ing dog for a minute?"

Answer 3

Two Trouble Makers
A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually.

So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.

The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.

So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"

Answer 4

So there's a bear and a squirrel walking through a forest and they come upon an enchanted tree stump. They each get three wishes from it. The bear goes first. "I wish all the bears in this forest except for me were female! This'll be nice". The squirrel thinks long and hard about his wish. "I'll take a motorbike." The bear is dumbfounded, but he knows what his second wish will be. "I wish all the bears on this continent were female! This'll be awesome." The squirrel again thinks long about what he wants, and he decides he wants a motorbike helmet. The bear thinks this squirrel is the biggest moron ever. The bear comes up with his final wish "I wish all the bears in the world were female! This'll be sweet!!!" The squirrel, appearing to have conceded, is riding away on his motorbike. As he's riding away, he says for his final wish "I wish that bear was gay."

Answer 5

I personally like www.lotsofjokes.com . They have a huge selection and it's easy to find what kind of joke you are looking for. Also, for something different, yet funny, try www.funnyjunk.com . They have funny pics and videos. Definitely will make you laugh...Hope these help.

Answer 6

A nurse walks into a bank...

Preparing to endorse a check, she pulls a rectal thermoeter out of her pocket and tries to write with it.

She looks up at the teller, pauses a moment, then realizing her mistake, she says "Well, that's great, just great.....

Some assholes' got my pen.

Answer 7

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Have a palce for everything & keep it somewhere else. This is not advice, it is merely habit. (Mark Twain)

Answer 8

In 1873 an old mexican man asked his friend "do you know 2 gun
Gonsolaz" he remarked" know him!" ,I was walking in the desert
with my donkey,in the distance I saw a rider,up to me he rode,
he pulled out his two pistols and shot into the air,bang bang,I said
"two gun Gonsolaz!", just then his horse took a crap,two gun said
"eat",I said "no please no",again he shot his two pistols in the air,
and said "eat",so I ate....you ask "do I know two gun Gonsolaz",...
"Do I Know Two Gun Gonsolaz!!

I had lunch with him!!

Answer 9

Why did the blonde climb the glass wall?

































To see what was on the other side...... teehee

Answer 10

i saw your dad at the mall and said he was gay, he said that he wasn't and then he hit me with his purse.