My husband says he has given up on us without trying to work it out - how long should I fight?

Question

My husband has told me that he has given up on our marriage, as he is not happy. We have had happy times, but he says the negative out weighs the positive. I am willing to do anything to try to work at this marriage, and keep a positive outlook. This doesn't seem to interest my husband. He says he wants to be single but he is not sure if that will make him happier. So why won't he give our marriage another try? I am willing to start from scratch if need be. He says he still loves me, and I still love him. Isn't this worth fighting for? He has sprung this information on me about him giving up without giving me a chance to do anything about it. In my heart I know being together is the best for us, but can I convince my husband of that? My husband also has a record of giving up on things before they finish, whether it be a new hobby, going to college, etc... will our marriage see the same fate? Will possibly a little coaxing help him decide to not give this up yet?

Spoke with my mother in law yesterday and she sees all the signs of depression in my husband. Which definitely explains the unexplained behavior. He reluctantly agreed to go see a doctor. How can I in the meantime support him, when he is still pushing me away?

Answer 1

You shouldn't fight at all. Whatever you've been told, men are attracted to confidence and strength, not weakness and vulnerability. (We may exploit the vulnerable, dependant ones, but we will never truly love them.) So, suck up your fears, don't show him your anxiety. As a rational, strong adult, you start planning your own survival.
Tell him that since he's not satisfied with you, well... fine. Go. Ask him when he plans to leave; what financial arrangements he's going to make, where he's going to go, what furniture he hopes to take, etc. Let him know that though you love him and want him to stay, life will go on for you if he leaves.

Think... what will happen in his mind when he starts counting up the cost of leaving? Home, money, companionship, furniture... heck, even dishes! The cost of his abandonment will start to become apparent. Perhaps he'll realize just how much value he's giving up. If he doesn't realize it in this scenario, he never will.

Answer 2

You can try but if he wants to go he's going and you really have no choice but to accept it. He just might get out there and figure out its not something he's really interested in doing and come back home so if you want the marriage to work maybe letting him go would be the best thing to do, but let him know you will leave the door open, for a LIMITED amount of time. Eventually you have to let go and move on. I'm sorry you are going through this and I wish you luck!

Answer 3

You can live separate without getting a divorce, go talk to a counselor about a separation...see what they suggest. If he's not happy, then maybe the best thing in the world for him AND for you would be 6 months to 'cool off' and think about it. My parents have been on the outs more times than I can count, they've been together now almost 30 years, but they spent about a year or two apart....before they resolved their differences and realized that they still loved each other enough to live together again under one roof...

Answer 4

I think you first need to confirm if there is someone else that he is interested in...if he's taken up a new "project" so to speak. That is usually the reason people "spring" this sort of thing on their spouse, and flat out give up and are not interested in counseling, etc. If there's no one else, then let him get out there and see how hard being single really is. My guess is it won't take him long to comprehend how "positive" of an experience it was to be with YOU. Now, the question is whether or not you'll be there when he comes to his senses. ;)

Answer 5

Sorry for you.. Sounds like he wants his cake and eat it too. And yes your marriage is worth fighting for. But if he will not fight , well you might as well give up. I think I would give him 6 months to change. If during any of this time he want out with someone else , then I would void it all. Go find a nice guy after 6 months.

Answer 6

sounds to me like there is something more going on with him then you know are want to admit..
If he says he has given up on the marriage then it is really not worth trying to change to make him feel better..
maybe he just needs space... if he says he still loves you then you need to find out how he loves you..
does he love you because of the history ya'll have or is he in love with you?
Maybe a trial separation is something you both need..
it takes two to work on a marriage and if he is not willing then counseling or anything else will not work.. give him what he thinks he needs and that is space!!
Good Luck!!!!

Answer 7

He may be just looking for some new kind of attention from you.
Don't give up yet. Starting over from scratch will not be a solution. He has to be comfortable with some part of your relationship together. It is helpful if you can go back to the "dating phase" of the relationship in your thinking. People tend to get too comfortable in thier relationship after marriage. Get couragious and try new ways to strike up the romance. "Giving up" has never repaired a relationship. w/l Paul

Answer 8

Wow!It could be that he is just young and that the two of you just need to work some things out. And you never know it could work out. If you really love him. I would say to to just keep trying. And hopefully it will work out. But at the same time though, if he continues to complain and say he wants to be single then why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? It takes two people to work out a relationship. And if your the only person really to try then it will never work. And if you stay with someone who wants to be single them, then the chances are he'll probably go cheat on you. Is that really what you want? Is to be with someone who doesn't really want to be with you, and that is going to give you a disease possibly because he's out sleeping with other women. If he continues to say these things let him go and move on and be happy try and find someone who will love you for you and not want to **** other women. Plus you don't want to waste your young life with someone and wake up one day at 50 or 60 or older and he finally decides to leave you and then your options are going to be allot more limited.

Answer 9

I'm sorry your husband is being this way.
The most important thing to realize here is that he is telling you something and its important to listen. What I interpret him to say is: "I am selfish, I have no respect for you or for the vows that we took. It doesn't matter what you want, I want to do what I want and don't care about anyone but me."
It's important to realize that this is not about you. He is wanting to leave because he is a selfish, inconsiderate man who is only thinking about his wants and feelings.
Please don't start over with someone who only seems to consider himself in life. You will have a lifetime of pain and unhappiness. This kind of stuff brings out our insecurities thinking that we are not good enough.
Just remember, its not you who isn't lovable and good enough, its him and his lack of caring about other's feelings, hopes and dreams that is driving him to leave. This is actually a wonderful gift to you as painful as it seems.
Use this gift as a time for you to find love again with someone who thinks of you as well.
You will be much happier in the long run!
Best of luck!

Answer 10

I am so sorry... I can tell this is tearing you up. Ask him to go to just one counseling session with you... tell him he owes you at least that much. If he can come up with good reasons rather than this ambiguous stuff you site here then let him go.... like the saying goes, if you love somone, set them free... But, if all he has for the counselor is more ambiguity, then take your counselor's advice on whether or not you should work at it. Good luck!