What's my next move?

Question

My insecure wife of 16 years and mother of our two handsome sons moved into her own place 3 weeks ago and is showing no signs of coming back. She has been dating several guys the past two weeks and is sleeping with at least one of them. My sons are crushed and want mom home. She admits that what she is doing is wrong, but she doesn't know how to stop. She was going to counseling, but has now stopped going the past two weeks. She has also alienated her friends and family, including her own mother and grandmother. She states that she cares for me, but does not love me anymore. I have no desire to date anyone, and want her home, but only if she wants to be here. Her father abandoned her when she was six and her counselor believes this has triggered her need for attention from men. How long do I let this carry on and what steps should I take?

Answer 1

This a tough one and I guess the answer really depends on you. How much longer will you be willing to make excuses for her and allow her this down fall she is on. It doesn't matter what excuse she is using or will use, the bottom line is she has children which this affects greatly-she needs to grow up and stop feeling sorry for herself and be a Mother. You need to decide how long your willing to wait for a woman who has blankly told you she cares but no love. She is headed for trouble being with so many men. Now you being the wisest of the two parents need to take charge and give the children a stable and loving home and I would suppose allow her to do what makes her happy for the moment, because that is exactly what it will be, just a moment. If wants to come back after a couple of months you have to decide if this is good for you and the kids, I wish the best of luck

Answer 2

Well without knowing your wife I can't give you a definitive answer. You said that she is insecure which leads me to believe that she has been this way for some time. I know that as a wife myself I have a deep desire for love and affirmation from my husband. Unfortunately many women judge their personal value by the value that they perceive others place on them. She may need you to tell her straight out what she means to you and how loved she is in her own home, so she doesn't feel a need to find love and affirmation elsewhere. I know that being insecure is a painful existence and it doesn't go away after one compliment or "I love you." An insecure person needs constant reminders that someone cares deeply for them and values them. I will pray that your wife finds God's perfect love through this situation and that your family will be healed. I hope all of this works out and that you will both be able and willing to forgive each other for any painful mistakes that have been made. God bless.

Answer 3

Wow, dating so soon after leaving is trouble. I would have so hard a time getting over that. I've been married 31 years and have never had those thoughts. Obviously she doesn't know what she wants now and is very confused. She shouldn't be dating and sleeping around but trying to find out what's wrong and concentrating on making decisions. Counseling is definitely the route to go for both of you and your children. If she won't go, go alone. Don't leave the door open too long, especially if she's sleeping around!!

Answer 4

Look It seems shes been ignored. Your children need a mom thats justified. What you need to do is win her back. I would start seeing her as much as possible. Maybe have someone watch your kids while you talk to her in private. Send her roses. Be romantic do something for her take her on vacation. Sometimes a change is good for a relationship. Whatever you do only you and her. I suggest a book by Shmuley Boteach it teaches us the facts of dating and other aspects about husbands and wifes. 10 commandments of dating. Now when it says dating there are situations in the book that tell you why wifes or husbands act the way they do. She needs you. She needs a change, men so much ignore us when we need love and affection. We love to be hugged, kissed, praised for what we do. Sometimes going to counseling is not for one person but it needs to be for both husband and wife. I say be romantic show up when she least expects it If a man is there tell him she is my wife get out of here. Take your wife up in your arms and tell her shes coming with you. Anyways I hope this helps Its hard to see someone down in the dumps over things like this. Always remember God loves you.

Answer 5

She's in her 40's somewhere, right? She's going thru a tuff time, wondering if men still find her attractive. The usual time for an affair is 38. It is your call, not hers. You can wait around for her, or you can go on and get out of it by divorce. This is really a mess, because she could wake up in 2 months or two years, or maybe never. And then you have to ask yourself, after all of this, do you really want her back????? Things can't ever be the same as they were, just realize that.....you can't unscramble an egg, and it is then you who will need to get into counseling to see if you can accept the fact that she rejected you and your sons to go fool around for awhile......tuff for sons to get over. And the resentment by them toward her and the resentment that you will have later as well, will probably just blow the whole thing up anyway after/when you ever get back together. Frankly, in your shoes, I'd file, and get on with my life. There are lots of neat women out there........ betrayal of love, trust and a family is just too big a schism to heal...... sorry....

Answer 6

First of all, her counselor is a moron. Why would her "need" for attention suddenly kick in after 16 years of faithful marriage? I have a friend that had this same thing happen to him and he was able to work through it and get his wife back. I wish I had an easy answer for you but I don't. Somehow you have to make her see that she is tearing her family apart. When a spouse cheats they cheat on the kids too. I would start looking for a better counselor and try to persuade her to go to family counseling (she needs to see how this affects her children).

Answer 7

Wow... Maybe if you charge her with adultry, that might teach her a lesson. Seriously, people feeling sorry for her is not going to help. Some people need a good kick in the butt to learn. There is no excuse for what she is doing. I feel so bad for your kids as well. She is not a very good role model for your children. If I were you, I would divorce her, get custody of the kids, and move on with my life. This is not presenting a good example for your children. Plus, how could you ever trust her again if she does decide to come back? I understand that you love her, but sometimes you just have to let go.

Answer 8

If it was just you, I'd say to wait it out and see if counseling helps. But you have two children that are being hurt by this woman and you have to think of them. Right now, you are the only stable force in their lives. I don't know if I would even let her back. You need to get tough. Who is paying for her love shack? If it is you, then stop. Make sure that anything you own (house, bank accounts, credit cards, etc) that are held jointly with her are changed to just be in your name. See a lawyer for even more advice.
If she does come home, you'll need to practice safe sex because she might bring home a sexually transmitted disease to you.
This has nothing to do with her dad...she is just wacko...protect your kids, protect yourself.

Answer 9

All I can do is say pray and ask God for guidance and direction because she is blind and cant see just trust that God knows what is best and ask him for help. He loves you and if you need to talk email me at [e-mail] cool? Pray about it man if you love her and want the marriage to work. And you have to forgive her for her major screw up and let God handle the rest.
Pray for her and her return and soon God will give you the answer on wether you should stay or leave with the boys. My own opinon is this, if she continues the behavior leave and find a seek God about a wife from him. But pray before you do anything else and if you want your prayer to be effective at th end say in Jesus name and mean it. Much love and God bless.

Justin

Answer 10

OH my that has got to be hard, tell her if she wants to be gone, GO but your not going to let your children be apart of her whoring around. Suggest a divorce and fit tooth and nail to get those boys, And i think what her father did to her when she was a child has nothing to do with what she is doing now, everybody goes through a Shi*ty time in there life she needs to get over that. I wish you the best, you sound like a good man