I violated my friend's trust unintentionally, what should I do?

Question

I will make this as short as possible. I repeated something at work that my friend told me and it backfired on me and now she may be in trouble. What happened was, a person in upper management made a rather crude comment about me to my current boss, and my former boss told me about it. When she told me though, she told me that she had overheard it, when in fact she hadn't, and my current boss had repeated it to my former boss. Now that I have told human resources, they seem very interested in how i found out. So in short my former boss, who also happens to be one of my best friends, is worried she will get into trouble for repeating something said between management to a lower employee. She has ignored me for about 4 days, though I have told her I will say or do what I need to do to take the fall for it so she doesn't get into trouble. I want to email her to say sorry, or should I just give her space and hope she comes around? Tomorrow i meet with hr to find out what will happen

Answer 1

Excellent. Your "friend" shared something with you in way that was unprofessional and unfriendly, you reported it, and now your a$$ is on the line. Sounds like kindergarten. You are also apparently working for morons. The best thing you could do is to find a new job.

Nevertheless, your "friend" was way the heck out of line in repeating gossip to you. That is inappropriate for friendship and professional relationships. (If she had wanted to you to beware of upper management, she could have told you so in a way that was professional and dignified.) And, upper management was moronic for referring to you in a derogatory and unprofessional manner.

As you sit in HR, please try to keep in mind that you are working for individuals who are obviously socially impaired and morally retarded. Also, keep in mind that HR is NOT your friend. HR exists to serve the company first and the employee second. HR is all about the company's interests. If they did not improve the bottom line, they would not exist. Furthermore, the HR manager probably reports to the executive who maligned you (or to one of his or her peers). Tattling on management NEVER works (unless you go to the courts). Next time you find yourself at the point in your company where you feel you need to tattle on management, you need to find a new job (and maybe file a lawsuit). Otherwise, things will just get worse, and worse, and worse.

Anyway, it was imprudent for your friend to share the detraction with you, so you are not ethically obligated to protect her. So, if you value your job more than the relationship, and it comes down to either giving up the name or being let go, then tell HR where you got the info, talk about how hurt you were at the comment, and how much you love the company and have the company’s best interests a heart. Make it clear that your brought up the issue only because that type of talk hurts corporate morale. If the relationship is worth more to you than your job, then don't tell HR how you found out.

Lot's of other contributors talk about how silly it was for you to break confidence, so I won’t talk about that.

Answer 2

I have been in a situation before where I violated trust and trust was violated against me as well. These things happen. Yes they hurt, but in time you can get over it. Your friend is hurt right now and she is probably worried about what is going to happen. Until trust can be reestablished, just be aware that she may not tell you too much anymore. Be careful next time who you talk to not everyone can be trustworthy. Apologize to ur friend in person, and let her know the truth. Let her know that you fouled up, giver her more space if needed, and try to show her that u can be trusted again. From now on be honest and make sure that nothing personal is discussed at work.

Answer 3

I'm wondering if she's not avoiding you in order to help keep both of you out of more trouble. Maybe she feels that she might be seen talking to you, or that her emails are monitored, which they may well be, if done from a work computer. Maybe she's hoping that if she avoids contact, she might keep you out of trouble too.
See what she has to say tomorrow. Of course, apologize. And learn a lesson. Never ever repeat, especially if the source you heard from could suffer from it. Info always gets back to the wrong ears. I learned a long time ago, if it's not something that you want to take full credit for, then don't say it, and never ever put it in writing.
Best of luck to the two of you.

Answer 4

Her name should be able to be kept out of it by human resources. They are not required to reveal their sources.
This was a very bad business judgement made by your Friend/boss . She really has no right to be mad at you as it was her big mouth that started the ball rolling. Give her some space as she is probably madder at herself than with you. If names are not given to HR a follow up probably will not take place or you can tell HR that you want to drop the matter.

Answer 5

Yeah thats something you shouldnt have done,but anyways since the blunder has already been committed there is not spoint in feeling miserable.You have not done it intentionally,its just that you felt bad becoz someone had passed crued comments about you,anyone would have felt the way you are feeling now.Call up your boss and apologise rightaway,Just tell her that you never meant to put her in trouble,its just that you got carried away by these comments and you will make sure that you will not reveal her name come what may.Now you have to handle the HR guys tactfully,they like stories and you can say that you know the comment has been passed as the guy who told this to your boss had threatened you that he/she will complain to myour boss or something like that....maybe,,,but just chill and call up your friend rightaway.all the best

Answer 6

Yikes!

Before you touch base with HR, I would want to speak to the friend who has been affected - your former boss. You don't know what has gone on at the HR level, or at the management level unless you ask her what is going on.

If you could speak to her before this HR meeting, you will know the best way to help her out.

Good luck !!!

Answer 7

You need to learn to keep things like this on the quiet side. The only way to prove your friend that you are really sorry and want their trust back is to 1.) See if you can't get your friend out of this mess or 2.) Tell your friend how sorry you are and prove it by keeping quiet next time.
I hope my advice makes sense and helps...I'm kinda confused on the story.

Answer 8

I think that u need to give her space, she probably doesn't want to make the situation worse by seeming so involved with you. Just tell HR that it doesn't matter how u found out and if they press u jst make sure that it affects her as little as possible.

Answer 9

Wow that is a biggy. Can you call her and talk to her with other people not around? She could be in big trouble. See if you can get her alone before tomorrow and the two of you can try to cover your butts. Good luck.

Answer 10

Whenever a person tell you something in confidence then that is what it needs to be. Apparently you are not a true friend if you repeated something that you were asked not to.