Recently i got to know that my friend ,whose ex had left him unannounced and suddenly,has made so lasting impression about women,that he is literally frightened to allow his heart to break again,by fully trusting any woman.She began by telling she wanted to shift and made excuses to give her details of contact and suddenly went away from his life(they were in a live in relationship for two yrs and knew eachother frm many yrs before they decided to live together) without even leaving any parting note or msg,or phone number.The frnd searched her madly for many months,and at last immersed himself in work and became workohol.This happened 6 yrs back,but he still cant come out of his past.I feel sad abt whateer he went thru,but i m not able to convince him abt lasting relationships.How to help him come out of the hurtful past?
2006-07-24 09:48:36 · 6 answers · asked by aquarian 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I'm so sorry that your friend had to experience such a long sadness. It sounds like is very lucky to have a friend like you.
First of all, its difficult when there is no closure in a relationship. Part of healing is an understanding of what might have gone wrong. Without this, many of us are left scared and insecure. We can also feel like we are unlovable.
The pain he feels is regarding this woman and its very sad that he's giving this situation so much power as to restrict his heart again.
The best advice I can give is to tell him that this person obviously had no respect for herself or for the relationship and though he feels a loss, its actually a blessing. Closure comes when he can realize that her leaving is actually a gift from her showing how much she did care, as much as she could, as she realized that she wasn't able to be an equal participant in the relationship. Though she was not able to verbalize this, her leaving was symbolic of an act to set him free to find the right person for him.
By continuing to mourn the past, he is not receiving the gift in the spirit it was meant.
Though its a terribly painful way for her to go about giving him this gift, I hope that he realizes that this happened for a reason.
Encourage him to date again casually, he doesn't have to jump in feet first. Everything happens for a reason and I hope he uses this opportunity to find a reason to heal his heart.
Best of luck to you both!
2006-07-24 10:10:24 · answer #1 · answered by ididntdoitthedogdid 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He is not ready to give up his grudge. The "victim" role fits him well and gives him excuse for his behavior. Everybody is invited to his pity party and that's how he gets attention. He is confortable in his "zone" and it has work so far. It has protected him from further pain. Obviously, he is not ready for a relationship, and you see this as a challenge.... why?
Are you interested in this man? If not, don't open that can of worms as you might hurt him and even give him more reasons to prove his theory that women are there just to break his heart.
When he meets someone that he is really interested in, he will let all the guards down, I feel that this is just and excuse not to try and an even better excuse to tell people that he is not interested in that he is not interested in a relationship.
Overcoming heartache is a process that can take months or years. Each person have grieving processes that are different.
Perhaps he feels that instant gratification with meaningless affairs suits him best for now , but belive me, when he meets someone that he is really into, there won't be no more escuses.
Good luck
2006-07-24 10:08:53 · answer #2 · answered by Blunt 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's not a matter of lack of trust, or fear of being "hurt". (Though he thinks it is.) He has suffered a severe hit to his self esteem. He's not afraid of being hurt. He's afraid he's not good enough. Period.
On a very fundamental level, men get their sense of self esteem from two areas, and only two. Everything else we do, we do to compensate for perceived inadequacies in these two areas. The first is career, representing success in the struggle for survival. The second is sex, representing success in the struggle for procreation. Her leaving, so quickly and without warning, destroyed his confidence in this area. Because facing this "inadequacy" (real or imagined) is just too painful, he rationalizes... he's afraid to get hurt, he doesn't trust women, etc. He avoids the whole issue, and any relationship that could wound him there agan.
That's why he's thrown himself into his work. He's compensating for his perceived inadequacy as a lover. Very simple. Very obvious.
There's only one cure for the guy. (Read between the lines and you'll figure out what that is.) Someone who cares a great deal for him and understands both his vulnerability and his need is going to have to provide it, or he will never heal. Ever.
2006-07-24 10:02:56 · answer #3 · answered by antirion 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would say that he has two major issues he needs to deal with. The first is grief; he needs to appropriately grieve the loss of the woman he loved and have some kind of ceremony to bring closure to such a painful situation. He has probably become a workaholic so that he doesn't have to deal with all of the difficult emotions he's felt from her leaving. He needs to deal with these to move on.
The other issue I can see him having is with trust. Since this woman left him with no reason or explanation after being with him for so long, he probably feels incredibly betrayed and unwilling to trust any woman again (and understandably so). He needs to go through the grieving process, find some closure to his end-less severed relationship, and then deal with issues around trusting people again. It will most likely be a very slow process for him to be able to trust another woman, but as a female friend, you can help him immensely by being a strong, reliable, and sensitive friend for him through his "recovery" process.
I highly recommend that he see a qualified therapist to deal with these issues. He might want to specifically seek out someone skilled/experienced in the areas of grief, loss, and relationships. It also might be very therapeutic for him to have a female therapist, so that she can model a healing and trusting relationship with him as they work together.
2006-07-24 10:00:51 · answer #4 · answered by ampotratz 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
he needs to realize that he needs help, then get him some. he truly needs to be seeing a counselor
2006-07-24 09:53:13 · answer #5 · answered by mazoo_nc 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
GIVE HIM THE HINEY ...... HE WILL FORGET ALL ABOUT IT
2006-07-24 09:56:22 · answer #6 · answered by ibrushallday 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋