I told him it was over. He said no its not. I really want out and this was it for me. I need to know what I should do. Should i throw away our 12 year marriage, house and 3 kids, just because he smokes. I'm not asking for him to quit, i just want to be apart from him. I'm so stupid to not know this. He was hiding it from me for 3 years. What kind of stupid, ignorant wife am I.
2006-07-24 06:45:42 · 52 answers · asked by Melissa W 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
His family is in Georgia, he would take his son, and i would have my son from a previous relationship and our daughter.
We are just so different than when we met. I'm not attracted to him anymore. which explains the distance and me now smelling him. Plus he always went straight to the room and changed his clothes. or would wash them right away. Due to his job he did get a little dirty sometimes with toner and cleaners. So that explained the cleaner smell or needing to wash his clothes.
2006-07-24 07:20:11 · update #1
He never smoked at home, only at work. Yesterday was his first time smoking at home. Which is when i went outside to tell him something and he was on the side of the house. I started walking over there and he ran to the other side of the house. Like i'm some stupid wife and didn't see him. He was relieved that i finally knew.
2006-07-24 07:23:55 · update #2
I'm surprised you couldn't tell. A marraige is not worth breaking apart over smoking.
2006-07-24 06:47:36 · answer #1 · answered by Art The Wise 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Something else is wrong in your marriage if you are willing to discard it now...it's more than the smoking or even that he hid it from you (which was not kewl).
Deceit is never good, but measure what he was hiding...he wasn't hiding cheating, he wasn't hiding money...he was hiding a bad habit he has that he (apparently) knew you wouldn't approve of.
It sounds like you're more mad that you didn't pick up on it, than you are that he hid it or is doing it. Is that worth tossing away 12 years? Is your relationship really unacceptable otherwise?
Think before you act...don't get PO'd that you were deceived over something so minor, and toss away your current life...are you ready to make it on your own...with 3 kids? Do you feel sure you'd not look back and miss your husband (smoker or non) at all?
If he's been able to hide it for 3 yrs, he's pretty good...apparently he doesn't smoke around you or the children, keeps his clothing and vehicle and breath fresh smelling...let the guy smoke (as he's been doing)...it's been transparent so far...and it is his health...if he's not endangering you or the kids or stinking up the place, what's the real problem?
2006-07-24 06:51:57 · answer #2 · answered by . 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If he is a good husband and the smoking is the only reason you want to leave then you should take a step back and revaluate your decision. It is hard to find a good man and it is harder to maintain a happy relationship. He was wrong for hiding it from you, but if you love him how can this make you want a divorce? No one can tell you what to do because you and your family are the ones who have to live with the decision, but I wouldn't throw away a good relationship over something like that. If there is anyway to work it out I encourage you to do so. Divorce is not the answer to every problem. People are too quick to give up on their marriage. If you loved this man so much til you vowed to God to be with him til death do you part how can a cigarette erase all the love and devotion?
2006-07-24 06:52:19 · answer #3 · answered by Tori B 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ok, calm down a second. You're willing to throw out an otherwise wonderful marriage because for the last 3 years, your husband has taken up the disgusting habit of smoking. That's just crazy to me, no matter how against this bad habit you are. Marriage vows say through thick and thin and this sounds like thick and thin to me. If you love your husband, you will help him get the help he needs to quit. Also, YOU didn't even notice for these 3 years that he was smoking. How you didn't is beyond me because you can smell a smoker out of a lineup. But to throw out a great marriage for something like this is a bit much. Try to get him help and work it out, and if things don't change, that's the time to discuss separating. Good luck.
2006-07-24 06:50:25 · answer #4 · answered by SuperJenn 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You may be very against smoking, and that's quite alright.. How is it that you never noticed your husband smoked? For 3 years? I'd say you can't make people change and if smoking is done outside the home it's foolish to break up the whole household over it. There is another reason you would even consider a break up. I'd look at what your REAL reason is for wanting to end a marriage, break up a family... cuz it's not because you hate smoking.
good luck
2006-07-24 06:53:23 · answer #5 · answered by evergreen072003 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your not stupid. It just happens to some of us. If it is that big of a problem then do move out and get divorce but you really need to think about all the good times you and your family have had together. If he has hide it from you that long and you didn't know why not just tell him he better keep it out of sight and out of mind for you and the kids. Plus if he doesn't already have life insurance make sure he gets it now and keeps paying it. Because that is going to benefit you and your kids until you are able to get your life together and support yourself and kids. If you don't care about it now believe me you will they day God really takes him away from you all. Think about the whole situation especially if you do not work or make enough money to support yourself and the kids.
2006-07-24 07:01:00 · answer #6 · answered by florie 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Melissa,
Is it the smoking or something else that is making you unhappy with your husband? It seems like you are more upset that he 'hid' it from you for so long, what's important is for you to find out what made him start and to help him to quit- especially for health reasons.. it would be pretty steep to leave a stable marriage of 12 years and 3 kids over something that was probably caused over stress, so talk to him, try not to give him an ultimatum, but encourage him to be open and honest about where your marriage stands and why you are so unhappy right now..
Wishing you much luck..
2006-07-24 06:52:49 · answer #7 · answered by Dana 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm 46 years old. Last year, I met a 24-year-old woman, blonde and very pretty, while she was walking alongside the road and needed a lift to her house. I took her home and left.
We saw each other a few times after that, but I didn't realize that she really liked me. I found out when she called me and asked if she could move in with me. I told her that I was much older than she was and that I didn't want to offend her family. She said it didn't matter, please could she come live with me?
So I said OK.
She moved in, and that's when I found out she smoked. I told her she would have to leave unless she quit. She said she'd quit, just as soon as this pack was empty. She wouldn't buy any more cigs, she promised.
Well, that promise lasted about a week. As her withdrawal got more severe, she started blaming me for not letting her smoke. I was just a mean, mean man, and she wanted to go back home to her daddy.
So I told her to pack up her stuff. And I drove her back home to her daddy. Awkward moment.
But, yeh, you should dump the dude if he can't get over his addiction.
P.S. _I_ quit smoking in 1990.
2006-07-24 06:55:38 · answer #8 · answered by David S 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If it is smoking cigarettes you are referring to, I suggest not leaving a marriage because of that one fact, no matter how much you hate the idea of smoking, marriage is for better for worse, sickness and health etc.. However, if he is smoking crack then you may want to move out and take the kids with you.
I realize you probably feel betrayed because he never told you, but there are worse things a man can do behind your back.
The first step would be to ask him to quit, or at the least cut down. I think it would be silly to leave a marriage of 12years, if it is only smoking cigarettes you are worried about.
2006-07-24 06:52:48 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you love him, then don't walk away from him. Quitting smoking is hard!! He needs to make the decision for himself at some point to quit. You can't force him. He needs, however, to not smoke in the house as it is now known that secondhand smoke is very dangerous...for you and for the kids. So stand by him, don't break up your household for this, and give him love/support so that he knows he has you on his side. It must hurt that he kept this from you, but maybe he was ashamed. Hang in there! Talking it over w/him is necessary, too, of course.
2006-07-24 06:53:29 · answer #10 · answered by 60s Chick 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have a right to protect yourself (and children, if any) from second-hand smoke, but I hardly think his being a smoker, even if he kept this fact a secret, is worth throwing away a marriage. As secrets go, that's pretty innocuous.
Encourage him to quit smoking, but don't insist or make it an ultimatum. You are a couple, so naturally you care about his health and insurance costs, but it's his life after all, as long as he doesn't smoke around you (and the kids).
2006-07-24 06:56:20 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋