Would you give in?

Question

The father to my children had had secret relationships with several other women much younger than I am. Finally, I made the decision to divorce him but now he begged me to give him the very last chance. He even agreed to go for counselling/therapy and to enter a legal deed of agreement that states if he were to ever default any of my terms stated in the deed, then he would have no choice but agree to sign the divorce papers. He declares the onus is on him and that he would do anything to win my trust back.

I am in a great dilemma here. Doomed if I do, doomed if I dont. Just need your views here.

Answer 1

This is my personal experience. No matter how much advice you get from others, at the end of the day, what matters most is how you feel and what you want. I suppose the fear is if you go on divorce, would you subsequently regret if he did change. If you decide to give in, would you n your kids suffer more if he change for the worse. I share your dilemma. I had known my ex for 15 years. It was not easy to let go. It is not easy either way you decide. But, at the end of the day, whatever decision you make, don't turn back and regret. Whats most important is you know the decision you make is the best for your children and yourself.

The first time I initiated a divorce, my husband did change for the beter. However, that only lasted for 3 years before he return to his old ways and for worse. The second time, I initiated a deed of separation and kept him out of the house in the hope that he will really change. I have not seen any change. So I have decided divorce is the way.

I ponder for a year before I finally throw in the towel. I ask myself this. How many three years do I have before he will really change? One of the things I also consider when I decided to divorce was my kids are young. It is easier to manage if the kids are young. When they are older, they will find it difficult to adapt to a different lifestyle without a dad.

I started with a deed of separation and even went for counselling because I want to convince myself he really isn't going to change and there was no way to save the marriage. I never regret my decision till now because I know I did all I could the save the marriage and do what's best for the children.

If you decide to give it another shot to save the marriage, then also manage your expectations. Otherwise, should this happens again, it will be very very difficult for you to pick yourself up again. Should you decide to divorce, then make sure you do your research on what a divorce entails, e.g. custody rights, visitation rights and maintenance etc. That way, you know what to expect and won't get unpleasant surprises.

Hope that helps. One last suggestion, try reading these books : Tuesdays with Morrie and The five people you meet in heaven. Perhaps it will shed some light to you.

Good luck.

Answer 2

The choice is yours. Basically there are two issues u need to consider before you come to a decision. Firstly, are you aboe to trust your husband since he had so many secret relationship. Secondly, how will your husband behaviour affect your kids?
Being a reader in this case, I feel that you should actually cool down and think it over carefully before you make any decision.
No doubt you can enter a legal deed of agreement with him, but the question is if he start to have another secret relationship with other women what will be the impact on you and your kid?
There is such a saying " a leopard will never change its spot" but utlimately, u hold the final decision. Do consider carefully before you made your move. I think you are in a better position than any of us here to make that right decision.

Answer 3

You might want to take note that a husband may stand to loose just about everything if a wife brings a divorce petition on grounds of Adultery by the husband. However in many legal systems the wife can only make such a claim if such a petition is made about 6 months from the discovery of her husband's adultery. Exceeding such a period would be an indication of forgiveness by the wife and a petition on grounds of adultery will then fail.
It is not uncommon for cheating parties to over-commit to being loyal spouses during the critical 6 months or so period. It may work to the detriment of the faultless spouse if the adulterer petitions for a divorce on other grounds, after this period in order to secure a better settlement for himself. Whatever episodes of past adulterous activity cannot then be used against him.

So it would be wise for you to contemplate your husband's true motives as you know it and make an informed decision with your marriage. There is no suggestion here that your husband is necessarily insincere. It is in the interests of you and your children that you determine the degree of his conscientiousness.

Please do not treat this as legal advice or place any reliance on it, but check with your local legal advisor on the validity of the legal deed you may sign and on whatever that is said here in this informal note. I wish you well.

Answer 4

My Ex partner used to have a thing for younger girls as well. He said that he had found God, knew that he was doing the wrong thing, was ready to make a real commitment to his family and was willing to attend counselling and swore 'til he was black and blue that it would never happen again.

When I found out how expensive counselling was, I decided to test him and chat him up on the Internet pretending I was a younger girl. Boy did he fall for it! He said some mighty unchristian things about what he wanted to do to her.

Everything went out the window after that. We had a 6month old baby at home and even that couldn't keep his mind or body at home.

I would say go with what you feel is right. I knew in my heart that he had such a strong desire for younger women, that no matter what I offered him, it could not compare with or override these desires, I just had to prove it to myself.

He has a 18 year old daughter from his first marriage who confided to me that she can't trust her own father around her friends.

Have a good long thought about what a future together may entail.

Answer 5

It's up to u, u have to asked urself-Do I still love this man? Do I have a plan to live as a single parent? How will a divorce effect my kids? Because he could be feeding on ur emotions by agreeing to counselling and the legal deed. Leopards don't' change their spots, if he's cheated on u in the past-more than likely he's do it again!

If ur not in love with him and can handle bein a single parent! Make ur plans and make ur move- making sure u have a damn good solicitor.

Answer 6

Enter the legal deed.... and the rest will follow.. the first step was actually to give him the chance--for the sake of the marriage and the children, this is also a sign that u r more matured and you still have respect for him (i hope this slaps his face)---no doubt if he did it more than once you can bet that the legal deed will be signed in a matter of months.

Answer 7

As you have not mentioned the number of years you have been married and the age of your children ,it is difficult to give cent percent correct answer.Any way if the father of your children is going out with other women ,you should think of some thing that will stop him doing so by changing your out look of life and personal looks and cooking and do some thing for which he is going out to get.take it from me men are the easiest to control if you know what and when and how much to give.Keeping the children in mind I think you should consider holding on for them at least with all the documentation you have done ,I think you should go ahead and hold on ,starting a fresh with children is not going to be easy.Bye and best of luck.

Answer 8

When a man ventures back and forth with many women, especially those younger than you, he has no idea what he wants in a woman and I'm guessing he doesn't know and/or love himself too well. I wouldn't waste my time if I were in your situation. Yes, marriage is a sacred union and we shouldn't give up so easily, but he gave up on you and your children when he began having these affairs. Your children are your world now. You don't want them to be subject to such an unstable environment. Would you want your sons to emulate their father, and your daughters...would you want them to date or marry men like him.
He said he would change...blah, blah, blah!!! They all do. He knows what you want and he's using that to manipulate you...he's trying to keep you and if you let him, I guarantee his behavior will continue and he will always have the upper hand. Let him have his little girls, and you move on with your life. Besides, maybe you can find yourself an Ashton Kutcher...I'm just guessing you're a Demi, if not, I apologize.

Answer 9

If you feel you can work on your marriage, and if he is a good father, then I say give him the chance. He has to make his life totally transparent to you ... no secrets, his location accounted for at every second, and totally accessible to you by phone at all times.

And, he has to understand that the past is not the past until YOU say it is. He cannot get mad at you for reliving your hurt feelings. And, he has to agree that you have the right to scream at him from time to time for what he has done to you (but you can't do this forever).

However, he is a "serial" cheater. Chances are he'll be able to "change" for a little while, but then he'll go back to his old ways. Serial cheaters don't see that their actions are a bad thing, only that they are "entitled" to do whatever they want.

Answer 10

I would have to say that you should just let him go. Once a cheater is always a cheater. Do not feel bad, but know that you are doing this for the betterment of you and your family. Sides, the Bible says that you can leave your spouse if they cheat on you, it is the only grounds where a divorce is permitted and honored by God. Chin up, just pray and I wish you the best.