This question is for anyone who has a positive solution. Even better with experience.?

Question

First of all, if you are a negative person who was in a bad relationship and have come to the conclusion that conflict between two people means to "give up", Please do not try to give me advice. My partner and I are interested in working things out.

I'm looking for a better and much more healthier relationship with my fiancee. Things aren't so bad between us. Just lack of understanding eachother. We act like any other cupple does in conflict, playing the "Blame Game" and insisting on who's right and who's wrong. We have the same nasty nature in us to verbally and emotionally abuse eachother just as common in most relationships.
Do you know of any good programs that teach on better communication skills to help put "the spark" back in our relationship and show us how to get along much better?

Answer 1

I'm always concerned when I hear of an engaged couple who needs counseling. That really is not a good thing. My first thought is that the two of you should just go your separate ways. But, because you want to work it out, here's what I suggest:

"His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters" by Willard F. Harley, Jr. and visit his website at www.marriagebuilders.com. This site is both for married and dating couples, with lots of Q & A and a forum. For best results, you BOTH must read the books and visit the website, and then TALK to each other about it.

Good luck!

Answer 2

The biggest problem lies with resolving. Most couples fuss and fight and argue over the same issues over and over again. Simply-because they never resolve the issues. They sweep them under the rug to avoid more confrontations. If you really want to stop the bickering and get back to what feels good between the two of you compromise if need be. Calmy sit down and actually listen to one another about how they feel about the situation and try to come up with a reasonable solution. Sometimes it's give and take. But the outcome is worth it's rewards. Communication is the key. No judgements. No name calling, no pushing each other's buttons. Always know that you won't "always be the one" that is right..... Best of luck......

Answer 3

I have to say that I hope you guys postpone your marriage plans until you have worked out your differences. The blame game is an easy one to fall into, and the best thing to do is to catch yourself before you start playing it again - simply refuse to go down that road. Try focusing on your partner - have a night where you go out together and he decides everything you do, right down to even what you eat. Then the next time you go out, you get to decide everything. It will really help make both partners feel valid and loved. Remember to cherish, love and honor the other person - just as you expect to be treated. Think of your relationship as a big bowl of candy -if you always take from it, pretty soon it will be empty and your relationship will fall apart. But if you take some and give some, the bowl will remain full and your relationship will thrive. The goal is always to love more, laugh harder, have fun, and grow together. Best wishes to you both -happy to hear of a couple who wants to work things out.

Answer 4

One thing that my husband and I have tried is, after the shouting and yelling and blaming, etc....we seperate ourselves (different rooms of the house...not actually "seperate") and write down our thoughts on paper. No blame, no pointing fingers, just our thoughts on the situation, and if you do feel the other person is to blame you can write it down and give reasons why without the other person interrupting you to defend themselves and the whole thing blowing up again. When we get so mad at each other that we just can't communicate verbally without fighting, we go to paper. You are much more able to get ALL your thoughts and feelings out. Sometimes, only one of us will do this (usually myself), and then give it to the other to respond. You have to discuss this "tactic" first and make an agreement that you will not "talk" about what is written down. Rather that you will each read ALL of what the other wrote, and then respond on paper...untill you have both calmed down and more clearly understand each others point of view. They can be just a few sentences, or several pages long...whatever it takes. We even do this through email...if that's not an option, we keep a notebook specifically for this purpose. Then, several years down the road, it is amusing to go back and read over all the "fights" you two have had....

Answer 5

Try this, next time somethng comes up and you or your fiancee are upset or angry instead of talking first and thinking later walk away for 10 minutes and write down on a peice of paper the reasons you love him in the first place then after you start to calm down sit down and rationally talk and don't start out with you always or anything negative maybe you know I love you and I want to get through this and I know you dont see it the same as I do and I will listen if you will explain to me your side. It is worth a shot.

Answer 6

I have been married to the same wonderful woman for 22 yrs. the thing that most couples are not willing to admitt is that often more that not there is no blame and to do this is not helping the situation at all and can destroy a relationship. my sugestion is to sit down and discuss why blame is being used as a tool to began with . peoples personal paradyms can often play a big part as to how they interact with others even the ones they love

Answer 7

To give you a little background first, my fiance and I have done exactly the same things, with the same behaviors as you and your partner. Unfortunately, my fiance became violent and is currently incarcerated. Despite this, I still plan on marrying him and don't listen to others that attempt to brainwash me with their negativity.

That being said, my fiance is in counseling, as am I. After we have had counseling separately, we will then begin to go to counseling as a couple. There are underlying issues that need to be addressed in order for us to keep this relationship together.

I strongly believe that this would work for you and your partner IF you are both willing, and IF you are completely committed, as it appears you are. Counseling can be a very positive experience. Give it some consideration.

Answer 8

The only program you and your fiancee need is to make up your minds that from now on you are not going to fight and butt heads but instead you are going to sit down and talk things out and compromise. It's all about mind over matter and both of you need to be on the same wave length about this in order for it to work out.

Answer 9

I would say couples therapy. Or a support group. The sooner you guys get someone to help you understand each other and talk about this the better things will be.

Any kind of program where you can put your feelings out in the open for each other and to discuss them will help you.

Good luck!

Answer 10

I recommend a book called "The Five Love Languages". You can read an excerpt on the site below. Excellent source for couples wanting to grow closer and improve their overrall relationship. Good luck!