We have been together 10 years, married 4. Since we got married he puts our RELATIONSHIP as second priority, always spends all his time on sports - every spare minute he gets so there is no time to do things for our relationship eg we havent done our garden or front wall for 4 years bc there is no time. We fight all the time bc he wants to do his own stuff - we dont seem to agree on values or priorties anymore. I have tried and tried but we fight 80% of the time. If i try to talk to him, he shuts down and wont communicate. I feel like we have grown apart but am too scared and dont know how to start on my own. We started dating at 20 and now we are 32 so life has always been together. There are a lot more complicated issues like he lost his job bc he got depression and this lead to no job for 2 years which placed a great deal of pressure on us. I stood by him but i feel like he takes me for granted and its all about him. Do i leave or continue? i do i make the break. I am cofussed.
2006-07-24 00:45:25 · 16 answers · asked by eservices t 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Try to salvage it through counseling and if that doesn't work walk away.
2006-07-24 00:48:46 · answer #1 · answered by jen 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow, you sound like you need someone to talk to. Do you have a really good friend that you can have a 'deep and meaningful' with? As you have asked for advice, I would say, look into your heart and decide whether you want to make this marriage work. Weigh up the pros and the cons of staying in the relationship as it is at the moment. Does he need a wake up call? If he is suffering from depression, he might also need help. If you feel like the answer is to move on, then never feel that you won't make it on your own! You are strong and capable and have every right to succeed. If you want to make a go of your marriage, then start looking for a marriage guidance counsellor. Even if he won't go, (as some guys find this intimidating) you can start by going on your own to look at some of your own issues and hopefully they might be able to suggest ways to get him along too. Do you have your own social outings? If not, go and join a ten pin bowling league or a social group of like minded women, or even volunteer somewhere that you will meet other interesting people. Don't let life pass you by feeling that you have missed out on it. You need to be able to smile and be content. If not, change something so that you are. I wish you all the best.
2006-07-24 00:57:20 · answer #2 · answered by Elle 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I didn't read anything about children being involved which obviously makes a differences in your options. I understand your being afraid to go out on your own. You do it one day at a time. You take each day and deal with the issues facing you that day.
You become your own person. I think you really got involved at an early age and now you don't know anything different. I assume that you are working so you take that money and just go! It's not easy, no one said it would be. It takes alot of courage. But you can do it. You sound sooo unhappy and life is way to short. I was in a marriage for 20+ years and walked out of the door one day and never looked back. So I know how difficult it is. Good Luck to you.
2006-07-24 00:57:25 · answer #3 · answered by Cyndee 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe he's just going through a phase as part of his depression. Yes, counseling would do some good but as you say he won't listen and just shut up, chances are he won't go into counseling. Try to be more supportive, love him as you did the last 10 years. You were able to hold for that long a time, you still can for the next 20.
2006-07-24 00:51:37 · answer #4 · answered by Ai 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Second priority? Wow, you're lucky. I've been married 11 years, but I'm nowhere in the top ten list of priorities. It's difficult to know what to do when you're putting so much more into the relationship than what you're getting out of it. And when communication is as poor as you claim, solutions seem impossible. Consider one of those marriage retreat weekends. My husband and I found that one weekend more advantageous than the two marriage counselors we tried earlier in our marriage. Still, our marriage is pretty broken, as we both lead very separate lives filled with very different priorities. I'll be watching your answers and hoping to learn from them myself. In the meantime, I wish you the best. We are far worthier than the daily disappointments we find in our significant others.
2006-07-24 00:57:41 · answer #5 · answered by ophelia 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yup-been there done that.
He IS taking you for granted, while being angry, feeling sorry for himself, and feeling that he doesn't have to contribute to keep your relationship alive.
Sounds also as if he is still depressed. Did he ever get help or meds for it?
If he doesn't snap out of it or get help, you will need to make some decisions. Life is too short to be taken for granted. There is really a limit to how many years you can be "understanding", with no response or effort from him.
Good Luck, I hope whatever you want to happen, will.
2006-07-24 17:05:36 · answer #6 · answered by reignydey 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Unless he is willing to change, this will always be an ongoing fight with him. The point you are trying to make to him isn't sinking in. Sometimes people get tired of the fighting and move on for their own peace of mind. Some things in life are just not worth fighting about or fighting for.
2006-07-24 01:05:02 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your confused because you wont make up your own mind.If things are so bad that you need to get out of the relationship,then by all means go.No sense in beating a dead horse,at 32 you still have your whole life ahead of you,Only you know what YOU need to do.Do whats best for yourself.Good luck however you choose.
2006-07-24 00:54:04 · answer #8 · answered by master_der_man 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like therapy is in order. HE needs to be treated for his depression before you can fix your marriage. Depression makes people isolate themselves, even from the ones they love, and makes people make poor choices. I would start with getting him real treatment for his depression and THEN try couples counseling for the two of you. CONTINUE - you made a marriage vow to stick through thick or thin. He needs you right now, and needs help for his depression.
2006-07-24 00:48:15 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
ok, time to retrain ur man lol.. Stop doing all that u do for him..Go do something ur interested in, basically act as if u've lost all interest and are living a single life thats all about u (with out breaching ur vows of course) till he wonders whats going on.. when he starts wanting to know what the deal is, tell him if ur going to act single then i am too, and if im single, then i only am cooking , cleaning and doing laundry for myself, and im going and doing what i want, when i want, how i want.. and well if im single i have no man to have sex with so thats out too.. so when he wants to decide and act like a husband and not a single teenager.. to let u know.. (no dont leave him over him being an idiot.. just u need to start thinking with ur mind and not your emotions on how to get what u want out of him.. im sure your a smart girl and you can out smart him to get your way..) ..
Good luck..
2006-07-24 00:52:48 · answer #10 · answered by brwneyedgrl 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i have a similar problem but i would suggest marriage council an it's about time for him to get a job cause it;s seems to me he is taking full advantage of the situation an if he don't want to abide then u have no choice to believe cause personal i don't believe in divorce i hate the taught actually
2006-07-24 00:52:58 · answer #11 · answered by vicsha 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋