Whats the best joke you've ever heard, or told?

Answer 1

Two fish in a tank.

One says to the other, "How d'you drive this thing then."

Answer 2

Q.Whats the definition of trust?

A. Two cannibals giving each other a ********.

Q. Why do they lock petrol station toilets?

A. They are afraid that someone might clean them.

This women is walking by a pet shop and sees a sign in the window that says 'fanny- licking Frogs'. So she reckons I'll have a bit of this, goes in and the guy in the shop says "youre in luck, this is our last one". So she pays her money and heads home and that she strips off, lies on the bed and puts the frog between her legs......but nothing happens.

After a while she gives up, and decides to try the following night. but the next night there are no results, and none the night after that.

So she decides to bring the frog back to the pet shop.

She storms in and says" whats the story with this frog?"

The guy in the shop says "Right, Ill sort this fella out. so he brings her out the back and gets her to undress.

He puts the frog on the table and says,

"Now this is the last time I'll show you how to do this....."

Answer 3

Everyone was queueing up at the gates of heaven, hoping to get in and St. Peter was looking through their files to see how well they lived their lives.
The first guy had lived an ok life, one indiscretion (a short affair), moments of dishonesty but he had not intentionally harmed anyone so St. Peter handed him the keys of a brand new mini to drive around heaven.
The second guy had really only one fault which he had tried to overcome in his life on earth, (he had also slept with another woman but it was just a one night stand) so he received the keys to a shiny new Toyota Corola.
Third in the queue brought a smile to St. Peter's face, 'My god you are almost a saint we do not get many like you here, (never even looked at another woman) he patted him on the back and gave him the keys to a one of a kind beautiful big Rolls Royce.
Well the day was over and St. Peter was going around checking out how everyone was getting on in heaven, then he saw the guy who got the Rolls Royce sobbing his heart out on the steering wheel of his car.
'Heyyyy! whats the matter ! ? ' asked St. Peter, 'You are the envy of everyone in heaven, a man truly worthy, what would you have to cry about?'
'I've just seen my wife' said the guy, 'She's on roller-skates'.

Answer 4

Woman goes to pet shop to buy a parrot,the guy says" ive only this one left..he talks but doesnt swear,but he lived in a brothel for a while"
"ile take it" says the woman,i dont mind what it says as long as it doesnt swear.
When they get home the woman places the parrot and cage in the lounge.
The parrot said......aaaaahhhhh new house.....aaahhhh new madame.
The woman ignores the birds comments,until her twin daughters come home from school,when the bird says.....
aaaaaahhhhhhh new house...aaaahhhh new madame....aaaahhhh new girls.
the woman thinks..well thats not too bad least it hasnt swore...then the womans hubby comes home,and the parrot says....
aaaahhhhh hello pete what do ya think of the new house. :)

Answer 5

All my best jokes are either racist or too vulgar for yahoo, but this ones not bad..

A man and a nun are playing tennis.
The man hits the ball and it goes out.
The man says, "G*ddamm!t I missed!"
The nun says, "Don't say God's name in vain or he will be angry with you."
The man says, "I don't care just serve the ball!"
So the nun serves the ball and the man hits the ball out again.
The man says, "G*ddamm!t I missed!"
The nun says, "I'm warning you, Don't say God's name in vain or he will be angry with you."
The man says, "I don't care just serve the ball!"
So the nun serves the ball and the man hits the ball out again.
The man says, "G*ddamm!t I missed!"
All of a sudden a huge black cloud forms in the sky.
A giant lightning bolt shoots down and hits the nun in the face.
A loud voice says, "G*ddamm!t I missed!"

Answer 6

Little Johnny lived in an inflatable world. He goes to school one day and decides to take a drawing pin with him.

He takes it into class and puts it on his teachers chair. The teacher arrives and sits down and imediately starts to deflate, unfortunately the draming pin then starts to deflate the whole school.

The head saw little johnny do this and speaks to him on the playground.

"Johnny i'm very disapointed in you. Not only have you let yourself down, but you have let you teacher and school down as well"

Answer 7

There were two cows in a field. One cow said MOO. The other cow said."That funny, I was just going to say that." I know it's a pathetic joke, but it's so stupid it makes me laugh.

Answer 8

How do you kill off a circus act?

Go for the juggler.

(not the best but the only one I can remember0

Answer 9

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender looks at him and says "You know you have a steering wheel in your pants?"
The pirate says "Arrr, It's driving me nuts!"

Answer 10

In an interview about his failed marriage,paul mcartney was asked by a reporter if he'd go down on one knee again.He said "i'd prefer it if you called her heather"