I wish that I could scream,
I wish that I could cry.
I wish that I could bleed,
I wish that I could die.
If only I could leave this painful world,
If only for tonight.
I wish that I could make you care,
That you would feel my heart as it begins to break,
I wish that I could bring you back, if just to say ‘goodbye’
To see you again, what would it take?
If only I could leave this lonely world,
If only for tonight.
I wish that I could bleed
And heal the scars that I’ve made.
And never have you be disappointed in me,
If the scars will never fade.
If only I could leave this judgmental world,
If only for tonight.
I wish that there was someone there
That I would never have to hear my own screams echoing.
I wish that you had kept your promise
When you said that you’d always care.
I wish that I could see your eyes one more time
With one look, , I understood you, and you, I.
I wish that I could die.
If only I could leave this empty world,
If only for tonight….
2006-07-23 16:01:59 · 21 answers · asked by lifeistough_period 1 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Visual Arts ➔ Other - Visual Arts
i'm 16. do u think it's good for my age? or good in general? or not so good?
2006-07-23 16:02:22 · update #1
it's not one of my better ones...
2006-07-23 16:05:53 · update #2
It's okay... it had really good rhythm at the beginning, but then the rhythm faded and I got lost and had to go back and read it. find rhythm with your syllables in each line like 6-7-6 or something like that... your idea is very good tho and you are definitely expressing what is meant to be expressed. it just doesn't flow nicely.
2006-07-23 16:06:48 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
It's really good, you're describing the pain very well. Very successful songs and poetry however, include some glimmer of hope in them and more description of how good the relationship was. You've got to make it more gut wrenching. The glimmer of hope is what makes people cry when they hear a song. That's what takes a good song to a brilliant song - one that is like a blockbuster. That's the one thing that all really heart wrenching songs have in common. That's why alot of songs with some kind of these like - I'll take you back always no matter if the sun doesn't shine.... yada yada yada. You know of Phil Collins right? He's an expert with songs like that - totally despressed but some glimmer of hope and a plea - like Just give me One more Night cause I can't wait forever...like a river to the sea I will always think of thee and if you were there I'd carry you..something like that.....I think you need just a little tweaking and it would be totally the best ever! George Michael also did alot of those - the Careless Whispers or memories of the past were a glimmer of hope in a hopeless relationship. You're only missing a glimmer of hope and to describe the relationship in a way like it was simply incredible rather than just saying how much you hurt right now. Why does it hurt? Draw that out more and it will be beyond totally awesome!
2006-07-23 23:16:54 · answer #2 · answered by ? 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ok, all poetic expression is great. Any time you put your heart on the page, that's wonderful. But there are personal poems and public poems. This is a personal one--great journal work. It uses too many cliches to make good public material. Also, with a little work on the meter, it might very well make decent song lyrics despite some of the obvious cliche (like I wish that I could die and the scars will never fade...ugh). I would encourage you to keep writing, but to try to avoid pat phrases like those I mentioned, and strive for metaphor.
2006-07-23 23:08:20 · answer #3 · answered by keats27 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Are there any local poetry groups/meetings in your community? I see the potential, but you need real-time feedback from people face-to-face. One of the reasons poetry exists is because it is a spoken art. Your lyrical ability touches on the audible aspects of poetry and others who keep in regular contact can better focus their suggestions for resources, i.e. past poets, as they're needed. To be honest, it is amazing how similar my poems sounded to yours when I was sixteen, but if you're seeking something more distinguishable and your own, try focusing more on your lyricism. I would also suggest consolidating some of your ideas, i.e. "...judgemental world..." into singular symbols; a GAVEL is the agency of a judge's authority?... If you're not familiar with him, try reading some Pablo Neruda, but you might also get some benefit from Keats' meter. Research reflects passion.
2006-07-24 04:10:48 · answer #4 · answered by silas h 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It seems like there is alot of emotion behind it. It's actually not bad but it makes me worry for the author. People like to see the emotions that someone else is going through, even if it makes the person reading it feel bad. This just made me feel beyond that. It went too close to the suicide topic which for those who went through that with a loved one, it hurts too much to think back on it. Best of luck, keep writing.
2006-07-23 23:11:43 · answer #5 · answered by J S 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would hope that it is not one of your better ones. I've read worse. Have you taken this poem to a school counsellor, priest, or pastor? Even showing it to you parents is in order. Someone might want to talk to you, perhaps show a little more attention to your life. I hope you plan on writing many, many more poems in your future. I hope that all of them are on happier themes.
2006-07-23 23:09:28 · answer #6 · answered by Rabbit 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
it's a good poem i guess, but why are you so depressed? i wish i could give you a hug and a band-aid, because apparently you do a lot of bleeding! don't be so sad!
2006-07-23 23:07:01 · answer #7 · answered by thunderwear 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Omg i really like this poem
i like to right too
some of it sounds like
it could be true for me
we should chatt im 14
my aim is Xx sEx iTT UpxX
2006-07-23 23:10:01 · answer #8 · answered by natty 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is very nice and i can see a gud work behind the peom.. Keep it up !! i wish to see lols
2006-07-23 23:07:22 · answer #9 · answered by raghavendraa s 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yeah, I kinda lost you at the end. But is that how you really feel or is it just a poem?
2006-07-23 23:08:10 · answer #10 · answered by . 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋