Am I being unreasonable?

Question

I wrote the following note for my husband:

You were doing really well with helping around the house, but you’re slipping again. You said you didn’t know what needed to be done; you wanted me to tell you. I have been telling you and its still not getting done. You don’t pick up after yourself or John. What is so hard about putting your dishes in the dishwasher or picking up John’s toys after he goes to bed? You dump your dirty clothes on the floor upstairs and haven’t been helping keep the laundry going after the first week until this weekend. The trash gets taken to the dumpster once I’ve thrown it outside because I’m tired of the can overflowing. The dishes are piling up on the counter, in the sink and all over the house. I want a clean house and I want help keeping it that way. You have left all the unpacking to this point up to me. That’s not fair. I understand you had to move most of it. That’s not my fault. You wanted to move and you know my schedule.

I am feeling taken for granted. I feel like I have two kids. I am not your mother, I am your wife so please start treating me that way. I have been trying to not be so mean to you. I have been trying to be more affectionate and to spend more time with you. I’ve been trying to do more of the cooking. It’s fine that you want to hang out with John and Chris, go to the gym, watch TV, read your comics, and play your games, but please help me do things so I can relax too. If we maintain the house on a daily basis, we won’t have to scramble to clean when we have company over. I only keep asking you to do things because you don’t do them when I ask the first time. I’m not sure if it’s because you forget, aren’t listening or just don’t care what I would like.

Something’s got to give. This is the one fight we keep having and it needs to be resolved. I get mad, write you a note or yell, and then you change for a few weeks, then you go right back to what you were doing before. I’m really not happy. I really don’t know what else to say to you except right now you are coming across as a lazy and selfish oaf and I know that’s not you.

Answer 1

Youre not being unreasonable in what you want, but there is room for improvement in your approach. You said you either write notes or yell. Well notes are ok if he is writing back but I get the feeling he isnt. And you are so mad at this point you are calling him names and stuff, and so thats not really going to get you too far. Of course yelling just creates defensiveness so you should try for something in between a note and yelling: a calm conversation.

Your note implies this is an ongoing problem. If its really on-going, I bet you have made enough appeals for change and it hasnt worked so its time to try a different tactic. Maybe you could ask him what *his* solution to the problem is, since your asking him to do better obviously hasnt worked. Dont let him just say "I dont know". Keep emphasizing that he better come up with a solution because you feel like he is the one that is causing the problem. Maybe you could suggest that if he doesnt want to do his share of the housework, he could hire a maid to help you. Of course the cost should come out of his leisure budget, not yours, since you do your share of the cleaning. If he doesnt like that idea, ask him what other creative solutions he can come up with.

The point being that if you try to solve the problem by nagging, pleading, etc, then you are the one trying to solve a problem he has created. He needs to be the one to solve it since he created it.

Answer 2

Well, I think that you have just put into words what all of us would like to say from time to time. I think your feelings are valid and that it probably felt pretty good to get this out on the table. However, I am a bit concerned it might backfire. I mean this with all due respect...when someone lets you know everything you are doing wrong, how much does it make you want to please them? And if you have written notes before, and you are still needing to write notes, doesn't that signify that this isn't working? Dont' get me wrong..I COMPLETELY understand and many of us feel like our husbands have selective hearing and many of us have said a few too many words about what they "aren't" doing, including myself. However, I have found that the best thing to do is to find every little thing you can think of to brag on them about. That may sound silly, but not only does that help them to feel like they aren't a total loser, but it helps plant the seed " Wow, if she appreciates that one little thing I did, then she will really appreciate it when I do the dishes tonight." I think we all need that reassurance that we are good enough before we start showing the behaviors of being the best we can be.

So, I would probably try really hard to not say anything through words or notes right now. I might even apologize and say that you really do love and appreciate him, but just are having a hard time doing all of this by yourself, and that when he helps..it is an enormous difference...and that you just love the way he, etc, etc. so he knows you appreciate him. It really makes a difference. Have you ever watched Dr. Phil when he says, if your spouse doesn't walk away from you feeling better than they did when they came in, then there is work to do( or something like that..can't remember the exact words).

Another thing that I think might help you is to address the fact that you simply feel disrespected...or you feel hurt, or rejected. I mean, recognize that there was an initial feeling before it became about the housework. I hope this helps, and please don't walk away feeling like you made a horrible mistake..this is just my two cents and I don't know you or your husband. Sometimes it is easy to see things from the outside looking in though. Good luck! I'm sorry you are having to carry so much of the load..that's hard!

Answer 3

Not really but, give the guy a break on the packing thing. If he moved most of the stuff into the house, hes not gonna wanna look at it for a while. Thats a lot of work.

Plus women, from previous exp, have certain things they like in certain places or have other ideas from us males and get mad or frustrated when we put something outta place. He probbably just doesnt want to unpack some of if not all the stuff because he doesnt know where you want it or is afraid to put it in the wrong place.

Answer 4

Your husband must be held accountable for his irresponsibility in not doing his fair share. He clearly is not making an effort to meet your needs, not taking your requests seriously.

His character flaw - 'can't be bothered', when he knows you will, out of frustration & need for order, take care of the problems yourself. Seems he has 'entitlement ego' — feels he's entitled to be waited on — that encompasses an age group that he should have outgrown as an adult.

Now, if he has more pros than cons (i.e. not worth divorcing), be firm, but very clear that he has an undeniable track record of not following through, & that you are totally willing to accept that if he will hire a personal maid for you to pull his end. I'm serious. He's not pulling his weight, & it must be a turn-off to you with each disappointment. Long-term resentment can be a turn-off romantically, so it's really in his best interest to keep you happy.

Stop doing any thing that he should be doing. Post a sign if necessary stating "Due to circumstances the maid & butler have resigned, SO PLEASE PICK UP AFTER YOURSELF!!" He'll notice.

Answer 5

Good god! He must be my hubbies twin! It's revolting and lack of respect to you! You are not his mommy and I'm so glad you see that! I am in a similar situation. I don't know who he thinks he is but obviously he thinks he doesn't need to take care of anything else because there we are doing it for them! I too ***** and moan about it and it still doesn't work. I'm debating divorce all of the time. Everytime I think of how nice it would be to come home from work and have my own place **** and span and no one to whine about how hungry they are or how much they ache from doing what? Mowing the yard all day? In the mean time I'm busting my *** working 8 to nine hours a day but yet no kind of respect on maybe planning dinner or helping around the house? Total fricking mama's boys... always will be.I also was the one to do all the packing and unpacking and oh wait, he does kick in for the bills, and has his lil hobby on the side to earn cash but they think their job stops there. All I can say is if you don't break the code, you 'll always be stuck with that crap as ultimatiums do not work, nagging does not work, should we have to ask for them to help clean a house they live in? Heck no! It is up to the man and wife to take care of everything together! No excuses! He sounds lazy.... I know exactly how you feel. Sometimes I'm so damn angry I could toss his crap in a pile and burn it. Send him back to mama, or slap her for raising such a lazy ***! :)

Answer 6

I think u are very lucky to have a husband that does this kinda of work occassionally. I am married with three children and I work part-time and my husband is in construction(so he is outside all day), so when he comes home he showers, eats, and watches TV. I do all the cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids, etc. So just be lucky that u have a husband that does anything around the house.

Answer 7

Personally, I think you two have a major communication gap. I also feel that a relationship should be 50/50, and I know that all problems are not one sided and you have placed most of the blame on your spouse in this note. So I think you are very unreasonalble. People have to want to change and it sounds like niether of you do. But like I metioned before this note is very one sided.

Answer 8

This is EXACTLY what I went through with my EX-husband, and is one of the reasons we are now divorced. You're not being unreasonable at all.

The only way people change and start doing these things on a regular basis is because they are thinking of everything you do and WANT to help alleviate some of your workload. I've seen it in my dad.

Answer 9

Obviously he knows that you are just going to do all the work if he dosen't. I have the same problem with my husband. He dosen't do anything! I tell him what to do and he thinks I am being controlling. Your man needs a wake up call and I would love to know what that is so I can use it!

Answer 10

i think u are right , he should help u around the house and he should pick up his clothes and pick up the toys , that way u can relax some ,