I am black, husband is white. I am quite dark, but he wants me to dye my blk hair blond and wear blue contacts

Question

He is becoming very controlling, he wants me to eat what he calls "white" foods and wear "white" clothing styles- it's becoming crazy living with him. I am not allowed black friends and have not seen my family for months. He is very displeased with our twins' light brown skin and will not allow them outside as they will tan darker. He has taken away my "too ethnic" music and movie collection. All this has been happening increasingly over about 18 months. Should I just leave or try to work it out? I love my culture and ethnicity and don't want to leave it behind. We have been married 2 years but dated for 2 years before we married, and he was perfectly NORMAL before we wed. He is NOT physically abusive. Do you think he's losing it?

Answer 1

That is truly bizarre behaviour.

It sounds like your husband has very little respect for you, your family, friends or heritage.

I think he is losing it big time, if he wasn't like this before, and now he suddenly is, I would seriously question his mental state - especially re your twins!

Answer 2

He is losing it and he does not appreciate your culture and background. You hair is not naturally blond nor your eyes blue. You cannot change this. If he wanted a white girl, he should have married one. You need to live your life and be proud of who you are lady. If he does not accept you for being black, you will always have problems in your marriage. He needs to get into counseling before you all end up in divorce court.

Please do not change yourself for anyone. I can tell you love him but do not let him control what culture God has given you. Pretty soon he will want you to use those bleaching creams.

You need to leave the situation until something changes. You need your family and there is no reason you shouldn't be allowed to talk to them. I advise you to call someone right now cause it sounds like you are being HELD AGAINST YOUR WILL.

Be careful.

Answer 3

wow, this is very debatable. First of all, i believe that you should really put your priorities in order. Figure out what is best for both you, and your children. The effects that the comments your husband is making will effect all of you in the future, even more than they do now if you do not take action. For instance, by him telling your children that they cannot go outside, will make them question themselves and will undoubtably lead to future poor self esteem when they are older. And i am not going to even go into how you will feel over time if you are faced to deal with this verbal and emotional abuse that you are receiving. If this has been happening "increasingly over 18 months" i don't even want to know how badly it will become if you do not take control over your life again and do what is best for you. As hard as it probably is to hear this, if i were you, i would leave while there is still time to repair your self esteem and self image, and also before your children become too accustomed to hearing their father abuse their mother. Do what is best for YOU, and think long term...
Good Luck

Answer 4

He may not be physically abusing you but he is abusing you in other ways ... forcing you to deny your heritage (he knew the color of your skin, eyes, hair before you married), not allowing you to have black friends, not allowing you to see your family, taken away your music and movies. And worse than what he's doing to you is what he's doing to your twins. He knew any children he had with you would be a blend of you and him, and because you are black their skin would be darker.

Honestly? I don't think there is anything you can do to work it out. He wants to control who you are, and is doing just that. Please call the National Domestic Violence (abuse) Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Just make sure you do it when he's not around or go somewhere else to make the call. Especially if he checks to see who you've called.

Answer 5

Girl you are who you are. DO NOT let anyone take that away from you. In a relationship it is O.K. to try to change a persons habbits, but not the person. If he has a problem with who you are then he is not about you he is about the image that he wants you to be. Since there is history and it has not been like this always try counsiling or a mutual friend to see why the all of a sudden change in his wants / expectations of you. If that don't work then get out. Also get your kids out of that situation too. If they are subjected to that type of behavior then they will grow to be ashamed of themselves and of their back ground. Don't let anyone take their history away from them. As far as the abusive part it may not be that way now but can soon change. Control is one of the first paths that an abusser takes. That is to weaken you down and make you feel like less of a person. Be you not what someone wants you to be. If you be what he wants you to be then you are not going to be happy as a person.

Answer 6

The type of behaviour you are describing is borderline abusive. Idealy, he fell in love with YOU, not an anglo-cized fantasy of you. Could he be recieving pressure about your bi-racial relationship that he might not have had before? It's sad, but even in this day and age there are still people who are prejudiced. I would HIGHLY reccomend counseling- if he refuses, go by yourself. If nothing changes, I would say yes, divorce- staying together 'for the children' will NOT help them any- thier only example of a relationship between a man and a woman will be very skewed. All I can say is, do what's best for you and your children- and I hope that he will see the error of his ways- I do wish you luck.

Answer 7

Try counseling first..one of two things may be happening..(maybe three)


One,he may just be wanting to change it up a little...I get bored being a blond and have to change my hair color every once in a while, my music tastes change , as well..maybe he just doesn't like feeling stagnant and enjoys change....
Two, I know people with two black parents whose parents didn't like them playing at a pool or beach because they will get 'too dark'...I also know white people who tan because they aren't dark enough.I don't think it's racist,it's just the way society has leaned in views of visual preference...
Here is the bad part...sometimes people will use the WEIRDEST things to control you .I bet he doesn't even realize he's doing it.He may feel insecure and just want to know that you will do anything for him...This is why I say try counseling first...He shouldn't be trying to efface your ethnicity..we should ALL be proud of who we are...Maybe you can find ways to make him feel less insecure...I feel counseling is your BEST option.*hugs*,girlie.I hope it all works out,there are too many people in the united states who divorce prematurely...before attempting to work things out.

Answer 8

Yes he MUST be losing it! How bizarre. I'm hoping this is a joke. Why does he care? There is nothing wrong with ethnic food, ethnic music, etc. Doesn't he eat any ethnic type foods - Italian, Mexican, Chinese, Japanese etc???? Maybe you could encourage him to enjoy the different foods of every culture and develop an appreciate of differences in people? I don't know.

Answer 9

I'd maybe recommend couples counseling. Something isn't right. You know that. Maybe he has some kind of chemical imbalance going on? He can't deny who you are. If he didn't act this way when you were dating, either someone or something is influencing him. You need to get to the bottom of this so you can make an educated decision of what you should do. And no one else can make that decision for you. You know what's best for you and your kids.

Answer 10

The reality of having black children in a racist society is scary. However, the battle he has chosen is a losing one. He has a black/African American wife and black/african american children there is nothing he can do to hide that fact. No matter how light they are they are still beautiful black children he needs to accept that and embrace it. His failure to do so will damage the children. Perhaps he can find a better way to express his fear, a healthy way that will bring his family together. Good luck.

Answer 11

please don't be too hasty in leaving him,cause a lot of people will probably tell you to do that,marriages are not meant to be easy,.. you need to get to the bottom of his behaviour,, cause he's going overboard, he might be loosing it , or maybe someones been getting in his ear about it .. who knows you need to find out , talk to him, ask him how he would feel if you tried to make him turn black by doing the things to him that he's doing to you, but say it nice and in a calm way cause he's not going to react well if you yell it at him or whatever. If you can't get any sense out of him, i would go stay with your family for a while , tell him love me love who i am or lump it ...until he wakes up to himself , sounds like he's just being a fool, hope he snaps out of it .. all the best :)