Why did she leave, we were happy for 20 years?

Question

We me tin high school, no sex untill we were in our mid 20s and I had been married once. One daughter now 21 away at college, then she left, said I work too much 60 hrs. Said she felt I didn`t love her like I used to and that she felt numb to me. She said she used to feel happy to see me then her feelings changed and tht she didn`t love me any more, we went to counseling after she moved out for 8 months. She dated constantly and insisted on telling our daughter how much fun she was having. She has been gone 18 months now. She used to laugh here and quilt and sing and she kissed me whenever she saw me. She said she felt safe and secure and she wished her friends had as agood a marriage as ours. Then suddenly she said she was leaving, two days after my father died. Since then she has said she was sorry but she needed to be free and feel loved again.

Answer 1

As near as I can figure out ... there is a rough spot that occurs about 7 years into a marriage and again at about 20 years.

I think they both have to do with the fact that we have so many unrealistic expectations of what a marriage is really all about. I don't know if it's television, movies, or all those fairy tales where they live happily every after. All I know is people seem to go into marriage without ever really discussing what they want...and never making the effort to communicate those things openly as they change over the course of time. And what you want...especially as a woman...changes over time.

I can tell you this...I'm guessing that YOU were happy for 20 years...and that SHE wasn't. I'm guessing that she did all the things she believed were right...and they just never really worked for her the way she thought they would. At some point, probably close to menopause, she realized that she wasn't happy and she deserved to live her life the way she wanted to.

Now, it would have been great if she tried to do that WITH you, but chances are you wouldn't have been happy with what you saw as "the changes" in her.

I can tell you that according to my ex- we had a wonderful marriage. He was somewhat baffled when I explained to him that HE had a wonderful marriage...I didn't. (The 7 year mark was enough for me...I could have never survived for 20).

You probably could have done nothing to change this...even if you had understood what was going on. This may have had very little to do with you..and more with the fact that she probably wasn't honest about what she wanted...or didn't tell you when what she wanted changed.

The reality is...you need to take a deep breath...take some time to figure out what YOU want...and get on with your life. You may find lots of women who now clearly have defined WHO they are and are ready for a partner...you may fall into the mode of finding someone too young..and end up in the same boat. That's up to you...but I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 2

Sounds like you might not have been home a lot for a long time. She probably grieved over the marriage during those 60 hour weeks and is over the grieving.

Husbands tend to think that their part is to work, work, work, and pay the bills. I understand , but she probably felt sometimes like you had another women, or maybe wished you had so she would be able to fight for her marriage.

She probably feels like a bird out of the cage, which will go on for a while. She isn't bound to a house by herself for so many hours.

My advise, cut back on the hours now, woo her again, ask her for a date, be a gentleman (not an ex) be patient, don't expect anything from her other than to have a good time on the date. Don't be jealous. Be understanding.

Just my opinion.. Good Luck

Answer 3

I find it absolutely amazing how after 20 years, you never knew your wife. Woman are quite simple. WE want to be appreciated and not taken for granted. We want to feel special once in a while and that means more than flowers on the usual events- birthday, anniversary, etc. Maybe helping her when she looked frustrated with things in the house. Asking her how her day was. Maybe she just got bored. If you were working 60 hours a week, that left her alone too much. Just look into yourself, and maybe you can learn from what happened. Move on and don't obsess about the past- just learn from it. You will find a woman who will appreciate you for who you are as long as you do the same.

Answer 4

The fact that she chose to leave you,when you were grieving your father's death,probably is the hardest thing that could happen.IF she had to leave,why not wait a while so you at least had time to grieve.She had already waited 20 yrs.She said all those things,you want to hear when your married,then ups and leaves.It's devastating,but life will go on and so should you.Just think,at least you have good memories and a beautiful young lady out of your 20 yrs.I think that she had never had the chance to have her childhood and young adulthood,marrying so early in life.That's why she's doing this.I just hope she doesn't live to regret this.It's like that saying"the grass is greener on the other side",or at least they think so,til they get there.She has to miss you,the comfort,the security,the stability,the love.BUT like I said,go on.She has made up her mind,at least for now,so don't wait around,crying,being miserable.When people tell you"your wife is...",politely say,"I do not want to know because she is no longer a part of my life,but thanks anyways".EVEN when your daughter tells you things.I mean of course,try to be there for her,but let her know you just don't want to be a part of talking about her,UNLESS,your daughter needs you help.That way,your not beating yourself up,listening to all her dates and stuff.It hurts too bad to put yourself through that kind of stuff.GO on and try dating.Life is too short and maybe your true soulmate is still out there waiting for you!!!

Answer 5

I'm sorry about your dad and you wife. Sometimes people lie to themselves about being happy in order to get through the day and then one day wake up. I use to say the same thing about my relationship. I thought we had something that other people should have but I was lying to myself.Sometimes women in general take things over and over again. Like she might have told you numerous times that she wanted more out of your relationship and that she wasn't totally happy but you didn't really hear her and her feelings got swept up under the rug. I know in my case that I felt like I was putting all the effort in and now that it has gotten so far that I have fallen out of love with my husband now he is willing to work on things but it is just to late. Your best bet is just to move on. She is not coming back. Once you pass a certain point there is no use of trying. Again sorry.

Answer 6

Look there is no concrete answer..It could be she felt stiffled ..and the child was the only reason she stayed that long. A women does not like to be ignored. I know ..You were working to give her a home..Well I helped the love of my life get her career by using money I recieved for a back injury..i supported her, I took care of the kids in her abscence and what did she do ...Walked out!! Took the kids and said she felt I could not give her the lifestyle she deserved! As much as i hate her guts I still love her and always will but sometimes no matter what you do you can not make anyone fit your idea of perfect.

Answer 7

Me and my lady don’t really agree on this one but I’m on your side. Your ex will get hers in the end, hart pains don’t pass easily but it seems that she does not have one. You must go on with life she must have had issues before she left and you are better off without some one like her.
My lady says “I truly feel for your daughter. I was caught between my mother and father’s divorce and things were said that I never should have known. I hope this is not happening with her. Also, I do feel for you but there are always two sides to the story. I know that this hurt you and I am not a feminist. I know that a lot of women are AWFUL to their spouses so I am not taking her side but I do believe that men don’t always take the time to understand why women feel the way they do. If you didn’t that may be the reason for her abrupt departure. If you did take the time I am very sorry and I hope you can find comfort in yourself and those who TRULY love you.”

Answer 8

it sounds to me like she needed to go fufill some wild oats.ya got to together young and after a while ya both took advantage of the marriage. by working alot and maybe let a few i love you slip away. she must not have got everything she wanted in life and felt incomplete.now shes out to see if its greener on the other side.and my advice to you, is that you need to do the same..because believe me if you fell in love once you can do it agaain. it seems like ya world is fallin apart.but when you find that person you will think back and say that it was probobly the best thing that ever happened to you.

Answer 9

Were you? Really? Are you sure she didn't try talking to you and you didn't listen? Also, she could be in a mid-life crisis or have a mental problem that needs to be addressed. By the time my ex finally went to counseling with me, it was too late.

Answer 10

Did you inheret a bunch of money that is now 50% hers???? People change in life, but you may have been played, buddy. There was no "we" in this happiness, it was you...I have no idea where you were when all this was going on, but you certainly were not attuned to her. Perhaps it is best that you move on. Good luck